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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset by the mention of children being hurt by adults.

24 replies

CountryGirl1234 · 01/08/2018 14:58

Ok so this is a bit of a weird one. A distant family relation popped by to say hello and drop some work things off to us, seeing our newborn for the first time at a week old. (Two weeks ago). In conversation didn’t seem himself and was borderline aggressive talking about some neighbour from way back. Anyway, he didn’t want to hold my daughter because had been to the tip, fair enough and had possibly dirty hands (we have sinks available but fine!)
So I said I didn’t mind because I wouldn’t give up the chance to cuddle with her myself anyway. He said it’s pretty sick how anyone could hurt a small child like that isn’t it?!
I felt immediately sick and upset and so protective over my little one. I keep thinking about it, I look at her often when sleeping (now) and wonder how anyone could be so cruel. It’s put me on the back foot really with family relation as I wouldn’t have thought that’s something anyone should come out with. It was a forceps delivery and pretty traumatic birth and I’m just glad to both be here safe. Is it normal to feel so upset or overly protective? I feel like ignoring him if he visits again. Thoughts?

OP posts:

motortroll · 01/08/2018 15:06

Welcome to motherhood. Everything is awful, you will be the one thinking it's worse than anyone else. Hormones, new emotions you are reacting in an absolutely normal way.

I'd also say it was a bit insensitive of them!!

sirmione16 · 01/08/2018 15:07

What a clueless thing to say to a new mother!! You're going to be emotionally all over the place right now anyway - hormonally and biologically, and also because it's a huge change to have a newborn! He was careless in his words full stop, never mind to someone in your position right now and I would find it rather odd he would even say that out of the blue. Try not to let it dwell on your mind, it'll be too upsetting and not worth it!

Congratulations on your newborn daughter! Enjoy every moment :)

FASH84 · 01/08/2018 15:15

Oh gosh OP it's a good job you don't work in my line of work with the details we have to know and the responsibility we have to take regarding public protection and safeguarding, if a passing comment like that upsets you. He basically just said he is anti child abuse, aren't most people?

ReachOutAndTouchDave · 01/08/2018 15:15

You've just reminded me of my aunt saying something similar to me when I had my first child (12 and a half years ago now) and thinking But she has a tendency to dwell on the darker side of life so I put it down to that. It's very inconsiderate though to say it out loud.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD, try to put thoughtless comments out of your mind if you can.

sirmione16 · 01/08/2018 15:17

it's a good job you don't work in my line of work with the details we have to know

Please don't down play one persons stress because you may have heard or been through worse. In fact, be glad there a people exposed to less.

This has obviously shaken the OP up, and understandably so, especially given being a new mother.

My question is - in your "line of work" would this qualify as concerning?

sirmione16 · 01/08/2018 15:19

@FASH84 please see my last post :)

causeimunderyourspell · 01/08/2018 15:28

Gosh I feel for you, my MIL said something horrible to me when when she first met my first newborn. I just typed out what she said but I've deleted it as I don't want to plant the seed in your head that she planted in mine. Needless to say though, I was who the fuck says shit like this to new mums?! It's so fucking thoughtless and I've never forgotten it!!

SlartiAardvark · 01/08/2018 15:35

It sounds like a bit of an overreaction on your part I'm afraid.

He may have been listening to a news article or show that had something to do with domestic violence etc, which is why it was in his mind.

To me "it’s pretty sick how anyone could hurt a small child like that isn’t it?" is a reassuring thing to hear from someone, it means they're on the same wavelength as me.

If he'd said "they taste like chicken you know" however, I'd see your point.....

Funnyface1 · 01/08/2018 15:36

I think he was just speaking before thinking. Sometimes I'll be having a cuddle with dd and I'll have seen something horrible on the news and I'll think "how can people hurt/neglect them?" But it wasn't a great thing to say to a mother with a newborn. I was particularly emotional and protective when dd was newborn.

ReevaDiva · 01/08/2018 15:38

Is it that weird to look at how vulnerable and delicate newborns are and think 'how could anyone ever hurt something so precious'?

OP you sound a little vulnerable and strained. Maybe keep an eye on your mood and speak to the HV if you could use a little help.

user1493413286 · 01/08/2018 15:38

My mil has said that a few times and it’s bothered me and I do wonder why she thought it was a normal thing to say as a new mum. I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you to this extent though and he might have just been reflecting on how tiny and vulnerable babies are; it sounds like he was a bit scared to hold her.

Lightsong · 01/08/2018 15:40

Both mine and DP's grandads did something similar when DS was a newborn, decided to quote awful stories about tine babies they had recently read in the paper. No idea why they thought it was appropriate but I felt much the same as you OP. I was upset and pissed off that they were trying to burst my lovely baby bubble by planting the horrible images in my brain

GoatWithACoat · 01/08/2018 15:44

I’ve noticed this gets said a lot. I thought it was just me! I also think it a lot when I see a tiny baby. I think the teeny weeny-ness of a very vulnerable baby suddenly makes some people think “oh my GOD some people hurt these little ones. How awful!” It brings out the protectiveness and horrible fears to the surface. I had it said to me loads and although I haven’t said it I thought it.

I find it much harder to watch the news when child abuse is mentioned and always go and give my kids a cuddle after.

It was a thoughtless thing to say out loud but he probably didn’t mean to upset you. Try to let it go

skunkatanka · 01/08/2018 15:45

My mum said something very similar to me and I didn't find it weird at all to be honest. I agreed with her- how could anyone ever harm such a fragile thing? It's actually an affectionate and caring thing to say for someone who maybe doesn't find saying affectionate things easy.

UsedBySomebodyAlready · 01/08/2018 15:50

My MIL says similar things all the time and I'm a bit but tend not to dwell on the negative unlike, unfortunately, most people in my life...
I just make an mmmm agreeing noise and move swiftly on.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 01/08/2018 15:53

It’s perfectly normal for these thoughts to be in your head now. I wish I’d saved an article I read about “dark thoughts” after having a baby. It’s only if those thoughts become regular and you can’t shift them that you should mention them to your midwife or HV.
Congratulations xx

FASH84 · 01/08/2018 15:59

@sirmione16 no where is the concern?

Original poster

CountryGirl1234 · 01/08/2018 16:03

Thanks for comments, yes I think maybe I have been feeling very sensitive. I had a high risk pregnancy and am just pleased to be out the other side and safe. I’m pretty practical and matter of fact about most things. I just couldn’t digest this properly, it’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one thinking OMG how could you say that and then looking at her feeling so so protective. I thought - why would you want to say that?! If my mum said it I think I’d have just agreed but the tone of the conversation was a little aggressive from him talking about his old neighbour. It was a beautiful morning getting used to being a mum and to be faced with an aggressive conversation followed by that comment was just unnecessary. Relieved to think It’s not just me that can put this thought down. It’s anyone’s worst fear it must be. It goes without saying you’d have thought!!

OP posts:

Clairenewbie · 01/08/2018 16:09

If he isn’t himself and saying strange stuff there could be something going on in his life and that’s why he’s acting passive-agressive, that’s nothing to do with you so you’re best to ignore it. so don’t worry concentrate on being a new mum and think positive.

AreWeDoingThisNow · 01/08/2018 16:12

I often think things like that when I watch DD sleep, and the dogs actually, everything looks the most cute and defenceless when asleep.

I find it even more shocking now that someone could hurt their own children - on a level I didn't understand (or I guess even think about) before I had DD.

I had my first safeguarding training as a trainee teacher when DD was one and it got to me a lot more than it would have before. I know someone looking to adopt and they said the session they've had around that are even worse.

Probably not the best thing to say to someone with a newborn though. But then having not been a post partum woman he probably doesn't 'get' that.

TornFromTheInside · 01/08/2018 16:16

I think the phraseology was poor but the sentiment genuine... children are innocent and beautiful and it's hard to understand how adults hurt them, consciously or otherwise.

However, adults do hurt children and we shouldnt pretend otherwise. Mostly we do it unwittingly b it sadly some do it purposefully.
I don't think it does us any harm to be reminded, and to appreciate what a responsibililty we all have.

Seasawride · 01/08/2018 16:18

Welcome to parenthood op. You have given your heart away and reality is sinking in sorry to tell you it doesn’t get easier it gets harder as they get older. Hug your newbie and enjoy this time. You will get used to ‘the fear’

As got this bloke he sounds a good one. I often look at kids and animals and simply cannot understand how anyone can be cruel to them. He’s right.

Rebecca36 · 01/08/2018 16:19

He doesn't realise how insensitive he has been, not uncommon. I doubt he meant any harm.

Let it go, when you next see him it will all seem different.

(((hug))))

Original poster

CountryGirl1234 · 01/08/2018 16:37

Thank you and thank you for all your kind words too. Unbelievably in love with her and I think your all right, he meant no harm, must have been more of a reflection of where he is in himself and less to do with DD or myself. Happy to be in the mum club x

OP posts:

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