AIBU ...To want to work and care for my family

[FairyF1]

I have worked for nearly twenty years for a public sector organisation. i am also the main carer for my disabled father. His health has recently declined and he is seriously ill in hospital. I fought for over a year to be able to work flexibly - it has eventually been agreed that I can work my hours over 4 days but in practice it never happens and I end up working. My fathers health is very poor at the moment , he had two heart attacks in the past three weeks and is in the high dependency unit. Work are aware of this and yet want me to travel across the country to attend meetings meaning I wouldn't be able to see my dad - there are others in the team who could do this. I feel as though my managers are being unreasonable and trying to get me to leave. I just don't know what to do. I have put a call out to the unions but I just don't have the energy to fight them - the thought of being in an unhappy place at work whilst my dad is dying is just too much. i really don't know what to do as I cant survive without a wage. I would be grateful to know if anyone else has been through something similar and , if so, what they did. Thank you.

They have a business to run and employed you to do that role and for x hours. Your caring responsibilities are not their concern. That's the reality of it for them.

You obviously want different things but if they can't accommodate them or it means putting the work burden onto others then that's not fair and it doesn't mean you are being forced out.

It's very hard but neither side is wrong they just have different views.

You could ask to take some unpaid leave to give yourself some breathing space.

Clearly it is very difficult for you at the moment, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect others in your team to do the travel. They may have their own difficulties.

I'm sure your GP would sign you off for this.

I really feel for you. The company you work for should be more understanding. I'm sorry your Dad is so unwell 😔

So they agreed flexible working with you but aren't honouring it?

If you have an agreement to work flexibly, work to it and anytime someone asks you "oh can you just do this tomorrow?" Then it's a firm "sorry, no, I will do it on X day, don't forget I only do 4 days". I always try to focus on providing a solution as I say no. Demonstrates you're not being unreasonable and the business needs will still be met.

I shifted to a similar pattern and you do have to be firm with people. It can also help to manage expectations if a day or two ahead of the day you won't be in you have conversations with people along the lines of "remember I won't be in on X day, so is there anything I'm not aware of you need me to prioritise?"

They agreed flexible working with you so you're not inconveniencing them or failing to meet the business needs. Frankly I grimaced when I saw Boxsets was your first and only reply.

If they want access to you for 5 days could you agree to work from home instead?

Unfortunately I think the only way here is to have calm, firm conversations with people reminding them what was agreed.

Do work understand that HDU is basically intensive care? Sometimes people can be dense.

I'm sorry you're going through this and sorry you're facing losing your dad with all of this added weight in your shoulders.

I don't know if it's any help, but my GP ended up signing me off work when my parent was dying and for a few weeks afterwards. Work just werent getting it (they even asked me if I would be doing overtime in the last weeks of their life!). I appreciate how hard it all is though.

Your GP would sign you off work.
I'm so sorry you're going through this