About missing their call

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DS is almost 5 and I have done all the nursery and reception (breakfast/after school club) pick ups and drop offs, despite working 4 days per week. For the first first 4 years DH worked away a lot and in the last year he has been home more but his job and location or work means I have still needed to do them.

I don’t get the luxury of staying late at work to finish that task i’m In the middle of, or nipping for a quick drink after work.

DH has taken DS away to the seaside and they’re having a night away. I was going to go to the gym but took the opportunity to stay at work slightly later than usual and then been out for dinner and couple of drinks with my friend from work.

I’ve spoken to DH and DS 3 times today, including briefly at 630. But DH is giving me grief because i missed DS’ bedtime call to me. They tried 3 times but I was nattering with my friend and my phone was in my bag.

He’s saying ‘DS really wanted to see his mum’ and ‘it’s his first time away from you and you couldn’t be bothered’

I feel bad as it is but don’t appreciate DH piling the guilt on and trying to make me feel worse, particularly when i’m the parent who has ALWAYS been there for DS. AIBU?

YANBU. DH should have just smoothed it over with DS not made it into a huge deal. It was a rare night out for you and you weren't sitting by he phone for it to ring. DS will be fine.

Your DH is being a twat and I hope you told him so. You have no reason to feel bad.

I did tell him he was a twat (well a prick to be more accurate) for trying to make me feel guilty.

I’ve just got home and then the house does feel empty without DS. He’s only been away from the night the house a few times without me. At least I have DDog for company. I even bloody made sure the dog walker collected DDog and took him to hers so he wouldn’t be alone this evening until I got home.

I shouldn’t feel bad about missing DS but I do . Someone give me a slap!

Christ, he's being ridiculous!

you've worked all day, done overtime, been to the gym, met up with friends, and spoken to them three times already today?

when do you get 5 minutes of brain down time?

that day sounds exhausting - your DH needs to step up and realise that speaking to them 4 times (?!) in one day when you're working and not being the primary carer is perfectly fine.

how on earth has he become accustomed to this level of contact? it sounds exhausting and unsustainable. how would he manage if you were a teacher or a police officier or someone who hasn't got their phone on them every minute of every day for logistical/operational reasons?

it's really not on him trying to guilt trip you like this - you are a perfectly good mother without being tied to them by a phone multiple times a day.

also, to this: you couldn’t be bothered

two questions:

• when your DH worked away, did he take 4 phone calls in 1 day from his son? No? Was he a worse parent for it?
• why is he purposely undermining you as a parent by saying this? 1 missed phone call does not mean someone isn't "bothered" about their child, it's fucking atrocious to suggest it is.

Being a good mum (or dad) involves letting the other co-parent parent properly and cope reasonably on their own, on a fun day out, without you meddling. It also involves you being able to concentrate on work. And enjoy a couple of hours post-work in a gym or with friends.

Why is your DH sabotaging that?
Is he threatened by any attempt you make to do something that's not part of your mum role?