Aibu? My Dm/grandchildren/our relationship

[Hopeandhappiness]

Name changed and this might be long.

Dp, father of my 2 young children, left recently.

I’ve also gone back to work after being on mat leave. Also in education so things are pretty full on.

To cut a long story short, I’m very grateful that a family member looks after my dc when I’m working, my dmum lives a 2 minute away from said place. You can literally see from one house to the other.

Anyway, since the breakup (my ex dp really doesn’t like my dmum, always been nice to each other but he recently told me he hates her, she is poison, don’t know if that’s relevant but will see)

Me and dmum have always had a strained relationship, since having children though I understood her a lot more but also resented her too. It’s hard to explain. I remember being a teenager (I’m still in my 20s although not for much longer), but I remember her chasing me, saying she was going to kill me.

Her and my stepfather, who is now so good to me and my dc, used to get into fights every weekend, in drink, they did some awful unrepeatable things.

Dmum told me she wished I’d never been born etc...

Anyway, mum recently told said family member, who looks after a dc, that I dont make an effort, she never sees the kids, you get the jist.

I was so hurt, im now a single mum, juggling everything, dealing with heartbreak, running a house and just functioning in life. I rang her, just to speak, told her I was told she felt hurt I never want to hurt her but she just didn’t get it!

Completely turned it round, I’m the wrong one, I’m just like my dad etc...

I’m really very hurt by it all. You only get one mum and I would never want her to feel hurt but part of me thinks, I’m not doing anymore. The way she treat me, I would never treat my dc, I want them to know they are loved and cared for.

I know life’s too short and I don’t feel I’m being stubborn, I just feel worn out and sick of grovelling, I guess I’m asking

Aibu in not contacting her? She can see the dc whenever she likes. I’d never stop that, she can see them when I’m at work like all the other times?!

I forgot to put that dmum has really bad arthritis. She plods on when I can see she’s in pain and it kills me!

I try taking her out shopping etc... when I can but it’s not always possible with work/children etc... but I really do try!

When I was pregnant with my first, I didn’t drive and would get taxis/bus there and back, I was knackered and working full time but it seems like all that gets forgotten.

I hate being in this position but I’m fighting my own battle and I sometimes need support. I try to be strong for everyone but I just want a little understanding

I think you need to take some time to concentrate on you and if your dm can't understand that then unfortunately you should lessen contact for a while. Yanbu at all not to contact her. She needs to step up, her job is to support you. Hope all gets sorted soon

YANBU. Give yourself a break, you’re dealing with a lot right now, she can take a back seat.

You know just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean she’s a nice person? She emotionally abused you when you were younger. Nasty woman. Go low contact. See her on your terms and stop feeling guilty.

I had never heard of emotion abuse until I joined mumsnet. I don’t like using that phrase but it is what it is I guess.

I always try sweeping my feelings under the rug, but there has been a lot of hurt. Dmum suffers a great deal with mental issues, I do too and I try to sympathise and show love and compassion but I have my own family now. I want what’s best for me and my dc

She put the phone down on me earlier, it was really awful.

I hope she knows that I’m not the bad guy, I’m just trying to keep afloat!

I posted in Aibu as I know it can be brutal but I want honest responses

A sick arsehole is still an arsehole, why should you be running around after her? Sorry really blunt but sometimes you need that.

She may have given birth to but doesn’t give her the right to treat you like crap. Strongly recommend therapy and popping over to the state.y thread on relationships page

I’ve often seen that thread, never really had a real look but thanks, I will now.

Mum went to see the grandchildren yesterday when I was working. I haven’t heard anything off her, wanted the dust to settle. I might try call her later.

Will just be very honest and hope for the best

OP, listen up. These neglectful abusive mothers thrive on continuing to create discord and disorder for their children,the more upset you are, the better they like it. When you have had a mother like this, its common for the child to continually seek the approval and love not received when growing up. I'm sorry but the more you chase her, the more unkind she will be. This is nothing to do with the person you are and everything to do with her. You cant help her. You cant change her. She doesnt care about you in the way you want. her to and never will. Please seek a life independent of her or you will be trailing after her forever and always disappointed.

She isn’t such a monster, honest, she’s been through some dark times with me.

I just feel so bad on her, I know now, after having children, there’s things I would never, ever expose them to that I saw/heard growing up, but a part of me thinks, maybe I handle and deal with things differently to her.

I still haven’t called, I darent, I don’t want to get into it and have more to deal with when I’m going through one of the hardest times of my life.

Sorry should have said, I name changed, as per my new username, I’ve changed name so much recently, looking for advice on how to deal with my situation without giving too much away, i don’t know where I am anymore

Forget her hurt feelings. Seriously. If she’s so selfish that she can’t see how tough your life is right now and set her personal needs to one side then she is not someone you need around you.

I’m low contact with my dad atm because I just can’t deal with his emotionally draining, manipulative crap right now. He always has his own needs front and centre.

That was just about bearable when it was just me but now I need to save all of my spare emotional energy for my small children. Sounds like yours in the same place.

You can always be a bit more flexible when the pressure eases off but you might find you no longer need her approval and that the guilt fades. It has for me.

What you have wrote had really resonated with me. The world usually centres around mum which I’ve always went along with.

Ive always heard things like you only get one mum and no one will ever have your back like mum etc... from friends. I’ve always tried to remember that but I suppose it works both ways

I just want her to contact me and say she understands the pain and hurt I’m feeling, that she gets the pressure I’m under and respects the fact I’m doing my bloody damdest to keep on top of everything!

When she told me I was just like my dad, it really really hurt. She never speaks highly of my dad, really talks him down and I felt like she was digging at me.

Tbf he hasn’t been the best father at all, nothing major, just absent when I needed him but hes a bit clueless, sort of needs things spelling out to him but he doesn’t have a bad bone in him.

I try to remember that when dealing with mum but I feel I’m forever trying to justify her treatment of me