Oh why didn't I think of that!

[biglittle]

New beautiful baby, is now 11 weeks, I've not slept a full night since before getting pregnant ! Like everyone I imagine ,
dh went back to work after a few days after he was born as he has his own business , some nights he sleeps with us and weekends, but most he sleeps in the little annex as spare room is nursery So basically he's not even in the house and gets what I can only imagine as a beautiful non interrupted nights slept! Repeatedly, now I know We had hot weather for 2 weeks so he was prob abit Warmer than usual as I needed the fan to you know keep the baby cool (🙄) poor dh!!
I'm shattered! I know I don't "officially" work but you know keeping our baby fed and alive and safe all day and night plus the usual 2 cats dog, house, inlaws saga, takes abit of energy,
Anyway, he just came in 20 mins before needs to leave like usual, proberly difficult to rise from his deep slumber, to full volume conversation and leaving the bathroom door open so I can listen to his leisurely shower, I tell him I feel sick as I'm so tired, I've been awake since 3 with the little one ( and 2 the night before) to be told.......
well why don't you just go to bed earlier!!!

Well thank you! All mighty one! For that great advice , but if you can remember baby was still awake being fed when you left to go to your slumber and wanted feeding at 3am then wanted to have a few outfit changes and then be fed some more, then the cats joined in the party and wanted attention,

So I said ok I will take your Advice and tonight I will go to sleep early, prob when you finish work actually , only to be told, " remember I'm out tonight won't be home before 11" kisses baby says "be good for Mummy" love you bye!
Aibu to tell him to shove his stupid comments up his arse!

As not to drip feed, I love my husband , baby and my life! But seriously somtimes 😴😴😴😴😴!!!!

Humm I understand you are only here to vent but seriously if this continues resentment will no doubt build up. Speaking from bitter experience

OK, you have a 11 week old. He doesn't get a hobby, or nights out.

He really doesn't.

Start expressing. Don't introduce formula if you're already doing well with BF as yo could fuck your supply up.

Let him know he isn't going out tonight, because if he needs his precious sleep sp much so he doesn't have an accident he couldn't possibly go out.

Hand him the baby, hand him the bottles, go to the annexe.

Do you know how dangerous it is to look after a baby with no sleep?

Most "cosleeping" accidents are actually where the parent fell asleep with the baby in a chair.

He is being a massive twat, and if he woke me up again I'd fucking lose my shit. You haven't slept for months.

I bf for six months with each child but my husband was still able to take on a full share of caring. Changing, cuddles, bathing etc. Just as importantly, he took a lot of the time to support me in every way he could.

I know quite a few people who changed to ff solely to split the night feed but never saw the point. You wake up whether you're feeding the baby or he is.

Basically, make him step up!

If it's so dangerous for him to lose sleep, why doesn't he just go to bed earlier?

I've breastfed all of mine and OH took an absolutely equal part in it. I never expressed or gave a bottle because I didn't want to. There are things the dads can do to take a fair share:

• Change the nappies. We jokingly referred to ourselves as poo man and boob lady because those were our jobs.
• first baby wouldn't actually let me put her down after a feed as she'd just root for more, so dad had to do it. Even in the middle of the night.
• Housework - I slept when the babies slept and OH did the housework after the older one was in bed, while I was feeding the baby. Even now, we still do it between us once the kids are in bed and I just try to keep it from exploding during the day.
• He would get up in the morning with the baby after the 5am feed, keep them entertained until about 8 when they wanted another feed and he needed to go to work.

It does help that he's an early bird! I'd be having a chat about sharing out the responsibilities around the house and pointing out that there are other things he can be doing to help everyone out. It's not 'for you' as you both live there and the baby is both of yours.

I exclusively breastfed until my baby was 5 months old but my husband still did his share of the workload. He did all of the cooking, most of the cleaning, microwaved me brownies at 2am... You need to sit down your OH and explain how you are feeling and how it needs to change.

If I had another baby I would introduce formula earlier, my baby is now 7 months and has one bottle of formula a day in the evening, so I have some freedom there to do something for myself (even if that is just to sleep!) I also wish that I had coslept earlier because when we started to do that the amount of sleep I got massively improved.

You're not alone OP, a baby is undoubtedly the biggest way to test a relationship!

I exclusively breastfed it didnt and doesnt stop Dads helping in the night at all.

I'm breastfeeding so feeding is down to me really

And while you are breastfeeding your dh should be making you a drink (a cup of tea or a cold drink) and a snack.

He can also change the nappies, do housework, walk the dogs, feed the cats and all the other things he is expecting you to do.

Reading these comments are making me sad now, he doesn't do much to make my life easier at all

I agree with muststoplurking- you need to change this now.
No hobbies! You need rest and some time to yourself away from baby, just to recharge, even if it's two hours a week at the weekend.

I'm shocked by this post. You both need to take an equal share, it's called parenting. It's not about "helping out", you both made the baby and you are both responsible - equally.
I breastfed all of mine for a year but DH did as much in the night as I did, if not more. I fed mine sitting up in bed so he would get up and bring the baby over and then settle them back after I'd fed them. He also did nappies.
His job is no more important than yours and if you both do your share then you'll both get through the difficult newborn stage.
Also, if he's having nights out and a hobby, I hope you are too??
I would nip this in the bud now, there's no way you can carry on like this. You'll get even more tired which is dangerous and as someone else has said, you WILL start resenting him, if you don't already.

It seems like you think this is normal, it’s really really not.

I feel sad for you, he’s being a dick.

You need sleep, he needs to step up. What does he actually do for you? Working doesn’t count!

I used to midnight to 6 and he did evening and morning before work. So at least you get some time when you don't have to drop everything 24/7.

Aaah! The Wisdom of the Alpha Male . . .

He should be doing more to support you.
My DH has a stressful job (Deputy Head in a large secondary school) and he took turns, night on night off at getting up to DS and now DD. He takes them out himself to give me a break. He gets DS up three mornings a week, washes and dresses him, they have breakfast together and he drops him at nursery- gives me a little lie in until DD wakes about 8am.
All dads should take on their responsibility for looking after their children. Donating the sperm and having the odd cuddle of a baby isn't being a good dad or a good husband.

Either your DH is a parent, or he isn't.

If he is a parent then he needs to step up to the plate and actually parent your baby too, not just leave everything to you.

(And he wouldn't be "helping" you, either. It's his job too.)

Memories flooding back here too. We did share night feeds etc. but I clearly remember the only thing we argued about was who was most tired. It became competitive. DH was working with his own business too (and I will admit that youngest DD was sleeping 11pm - 6am by 8 or 9 weeks- she's 14 now and still loves a good long sleep)
I do appreciate he is full on with work but his hobby needs to go on paternity leave. He needs to a) appreciate just how much of the slack you are picking up here with the baby (hard to do if he is sleeping away from the nightly wakings etc. even if he is not doing any of the actual night time stuff he seems pretty oblivious to how tough it is and seeing your role possibly through rose tinted specs(I'm trying really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt here) and b) start stepping up at weekends to let you sleep/swim/relax. You will really start to resent him otherwise.

I also totally appreciate your need to have an hour to yourself rather than napping. Just be sure you are resting if not sleeping on those occasions - reading sounds just the job.

This brings back memories of my arsehole ex, he expected me to do everything for the baby as he worked and he thought I had it easy.

Even now when our DD is 6 he is still a backseat parent.

It is important you put your foot down now or it will lead to an deeper resentment and laziness from him regarding the baby. I promised myself if I have another baby, it be with a man who wanted to equally parent with me and provide support. I hope you get that.

OP. I firmly believe along with going to bed earlier you must also twist and pinch DHs nipples until his eyes bleed to simulate how sometimes baby can decide to fuck up a nipple on occasion during BFing. And then still making sure house is tidy whilst feeding baby and then finding 3 spare mins to take a shit and somehow finding time to put the kettle on but not drinking your cuppa till its ice cold.

I must say i LOVE my husband and he is the most brilliant dad but at times i just want to punch him repeatedly over the odd comment.
The other day he started shouting at me because we left DD bathtime too late...because he was too tired at 9pm to do it

What is your financial set-up like ?

Is he accruing a nice big pension for himself, is your name on the deeds, do you have any money for yourself ? access to his salary and savings?
pension for yourself ?

You need to look after yourself as your DH certainly isn't.

I know your finanical situation is off topic but I'm recognising a type here.

He just came home brought lunch and took him out for an hour so I could nap, which was a nice surprise, and said he will be home tonight when I asked if he really had to go as I'm tired, he said no probs, he realised I was tired as I canceled plans with my friend this morning, I am a professional in my own right and have my own career that I'm taking a year off and will be returning so no probs there and house is in both names , he's a brilliant person wouldn't of married him otherwise, maybe he just doesn't realise how little time he is spending, tho I'm thinking it's starting to sink in xx

It's only been 11 weeks so you're both having to learn to adjust.
Being sensible, communicate clearly and tell your DH that you're feeling exhausted and need a break, need a cup of tea, need a sandwich making etc., don't just expect him to read your mind and realise what you need. That way madness lies.
It's called teamwork.
My DH was mostly useless until he changed jobs and now he gets it.

Ok that's really good.
Your DH really does need to realise that his life has to change as well as yours.

Your husband sounds like a reasonable man and it does seem like he maybe doesn't understand the level of care a baby needs. Perhaps he thinks hes helping by staying out of your way.

I think if you sit down and spell it out to him clearly that you need him to step up more then he will.

Ive 3 children, 4th on the way and i stopped all night feeds at 6 weeks. It took them a week or 2 but evey time they woke uo for a night feed i gave them plain water and eventually they stopped waking up in the night. I think you should try and wean baby off the night feeds or if you cant do that then express the milk and get your hubby to do the night feed every Friday or Saturday. One good nights sleep a week will make a huge difference.

Also get him doing more with the baby during the day.

Aww, that sounds better!
What my DSis did was every Friday night, she expressed just before going to bed in the spare room with ear plugs. Her DH was then in charge for the night, with expressed milk and formula at his disposal, and not allowed wake her.
It’s only one night out of seven, but it served the dual purpose of getting her a night’s sleep and making sure he was fully in touch with what a slog it is looking after a mini-person.