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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sexting cheat

17 replies

OpheliaM71 · 30/07/2018 22:51

I’ve just discovered my hubby of five years has been sexting his old girlfriend. He hunted her zone to find her on Facebook and I saw two messages from her that were very explicit and when I confronted him he tried j to say it was just ‘banter’. This is coming from a man who made it quite clear that he believes sexting is cheating.
He wouldn’t give me any details about what had gone on preferring to minimilise everything as nothing serious. He said they’d sent messages as tha t was all. I told him to end it and he sent her a text to tell her I knew, that he loved his wife and he was an idiot! He told me he was feeling neglected by me and that I was partly to blame for his ‘mistake’. He had tears in his eyes and swore on his kids lives that he wouldn’t do it again. Our sex life is non existent. I used to initiate sex but then I got tired of it being all me making all the moves so I left him to do a little of the running which has resulted in no sex at all. It beggan to feel like he was just saying yes cos he felt obliged.

The next day he wasn’t as sorry ass he had been until his ex contacted me on Facebook to dish the real dirt. He’d asked for her address to go around and have sex, he’d asked her to send naked pics of her ‘bits’ and he told her he’d leave the kids at home while I was at work to go see to her!
I am so gutted, we’ve had a few rows over this and he keeps making it sound like I shouldn’t even be bothered as it is nothing important. I’m sick to my stomach about it. This has really made me ill I feel depressed and betrayed and he’s now behaving like none of it happened. He sad if I don’t just forget about it then it’s going to end in divorce. Why cant he see how he’s destroyed me inside, I feel I can’t trust him anymore. How do I get through this. I feel guilty for feeling bad about him but I feel terrible about me. If I can’t interest my hubby enough to keep him from straying then what’s the point. I don’t know what to do?

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 30/07/2018 22:57

Changing the locks would be a start.

Sorry you're going through this Wine, not sure I could forgive and forget tbh. He's being a massive twat for suggesting it.

LordNibbler · 30/07/2018 23:01

So he doesn't have sex with you, he sexts an ex, asks for explicit pics and wants to have sex with her. And he threatens YOU with divorce if you don't just accept it? Kick his lying arse out and divorce HIM. There's nothing wrong with you OP and everything wrong with him.

IHATEPeppaPig · 30/07/2018 23:07

Seriously, LTB he sounds vile.

bobstersmum · 30/07/2018 23:10

Please don't let this absolute twat think he can bully you into accepting his disgraceful behaviour. You should throw him out or lock him out once he's out, or go away with your children, refuse to speak to him, until you've had some space and then you'll realise how it's all his fault and not yours. He is despicable. I would personally divorce for what he's done.

Geordiegirl1988 · 30/07/2018 23:45

Leave him he is disgusting . Urghh my skins crawling

Aeroflotgirl · 30/07/2018 23:48

The trust has gone, that's it, time to LTB, he's checked out when he went looking for his ex.

findingmywaytoday · 31/07/2018 00:09

So basically he has been a dick and isn't actually sorry. If he was he wouldn't be indirectly threatening you to roll over by mentioning divorce. Sorry to sound harsh, but sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you.

TeacupTattoo · 31/07/2018 08:32

You do not have to stay with somebody who disrespects you! You deserve so much more than this.

OpheliaM71 · 31/07/2018 18:44

I confronted him today about the whole thing. Told him I needed to get it straight in my head what happened and why. He looked pissed about it but we started talking. I still didn’t get any real answers only a promise that he wouldn’t do it again. I asked him how he could guarantee that when he didn’t know why he did it in the first place but again no real reassurance. I can understand that people make stupid choices in their lives but I just can’t imagine how I can start trusting him again. The children aren’t mine, they’re his, they live abroad and were staying with us on holiday when all this came to light...which actually made it worse as he made such a thing about spending time with them only to tell her that he’d leave them alone to be with her while I was working.
The night after I found out about it all, I awoke to the bedroom being lit up by his phone, he was busy texting at 3am. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach and fearing the worse asked him what he was doing. He was googling something or other but straight away I thought he was cheating again. He got pissed, threw the phone on the bed and told me to keep it and he was going downstairs to watch tv ( the phone was password locked when he did this so it’s not like I could look through it, so I think this reaction was just for effect nothing else) I really don’t want to be feeling like this. I totally trusted him for years so all this has been quite a shock to me.
He told me she hadn’t sent the photos he asked for yet he told me that she sent him a pic of herself. When she sent me a wave on Facebook she was gloating about it all. I looked at her and asked myself what he saw in her, she honestly looks like his mum. She’s about 65, he’s 47. It’s bizarre that I’m feeling so insulted because of her looks and age, it seems quite shallow, I know but I can’t help myself. I know her reputation from years ago, she was known as quite the village bike and that it’s there on a plate for anyone who wants it. I can’t really explain it but in my head it would be easier for me if she was younger and a stunner, the fact that she’s not, smacks of desperation on his behalf which means he must think that I am the worse of two evils. I honestly can’t see the attraction. All sorts of stuff has gone through my head, it’s completely cabbaged. All my self confidence has gone, I can’t believe that I’ve gone to pieces over this but I feel I’ve wasted all this time with someone who doesn’t care anything about me. I feel pathetic that I even care about it. Has anyone else been so totally fecked up by similiar experience and how did you get through it?

OP posts:
EandEmummy · 31/07/2018 18:53

I'm so sorry to hear that your going through this and in all honesty I would leave him. Something similar happened to me and my partner not long after we had our first child and when I found out it made me sick and it wasn't even half of what you say your husband has been up to. This happened 3yrs ago and even to this day I don't fully trust him and he accepts that and still says sorry and has never blamed me for his behaviour. If he had then I would have walked there and then. I think the way he is treating you after what HE has done shows his true colours. Sending hugs x

OpheliaM71 · 31/07/2018 18:58

Thank you EandEmummy, Did you stay with your partner? If so was it worth it in the long run. I’ve never been in this situation before so I’m really at a loss. I don’t think he will continue to say sorry, he was hard pressed to apologise in the first place. I really believe he’s convinced himself that it was nothing and is more upset about what I think he believes is my over reaction.
He admitted things would be worse if I had done the same thing tho which says it all really x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2018 19:14

You know what you need to do. Kick his lying arse out and divorce him.

EandEmummy · 31/07/2018 20:03

I have stayed with him yes but that was only because a) we had a child together b) he genuinely was sorry and had got himself into a bad place mentally (Not an excuse but something we could work on together and still are) c) he never once made me feel like I was to blame or at any point since whenever I may have doubts and call him up on things he doesn't react badly, it's the opposite he still says sorry and I can see it still hurts him knowing what pain he caused me. I believe your situation is different in that your husband has blamed you when that is totally unfair, he is behaving almost aggressively when confronted and also using bullying tactics by threatening to divorce you. The cheating aside it is the way he is dealing with it that worries me and sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable in my eyes, you most definitely deserve better than that. I hope you find the strength to tell him where to stick it and realise your own worth x

redastherose · 01/08/2018 00:07

Read the script OP. He is doing a number on you. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! He isn't sorry and doesn't are that he's upset you which tells you everything that you need to know about how much he cares about you and your feelings. You would be better off alone and in a position to meet someone who genuinely cares about you.

CountryGirl1234 · 01/08/2018 15:27

So sad reading this, feeling gutted for you and it makes me cringe he has the front to part blame your behaviour. Unfortunately he’s not regarding your feelings in this at all. Which suggests he’s only really thinking about his own and what he can get. You sound absolutely lovely to not have seriously thrown everything in the kitchen drawer at him. But if he can’t show a little empathy now then I personally would walk.
My ex was abusive to me in his controlling attitude and also hurt my feelings a LOT. He never seemed bothered by that so I’d end up being vicious with him to hurt him back. To begin with d just cry, in the end if just try to upset him back so he knew how it felt. But it was a downward spiral. I’m glad I walked away.
If you feel time can recover the situation then so be it. But I’m not sure you’ll ever forgive him for this OR trust him with your feelings again. Be strong and do whatever you need to do to be happy. With or without him. X

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 15:32

Come on OP.
You know what to do.
He a lying, cheating, bully boy.
Don't let him treat you like dirt and shit all over you.
You know you are better than that.
You don't have kids together.
What about your living arrangements?
Is it easy enough to walk away?

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 15:38

Chuck him out

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