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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DD’s dad to see a solicitor

11 replies

Mixedupmumma83 · 30/07/2018 14:35

I’ll try and put in as much info as I can without making this really long!

DD’s dad and I split about 3.5 years ago. He does shift work and I have always worked with him around his shifts for him to see DD. We had a good arrangement from about last summer ish, he’d have her on his weekend off 2 weekends out of 5, and then on the weeks he doesn’t have her at weekends he collects her from school on his day off and has her the night. Then around her birthday and Xmas he just didn’t see her for about 2 months, no birthday phone call, no pop to see her with a card nothing then licked back up and expected to have her all over Xmas. We made an agreement and then he dropped her back later than the agreed time meaning I got about 3 hours with her over Xmas before I went back to work. Things have been ok ish since then, dropped maintenance payments without warning and hasn’t paid the agreed amount in full since!

Now we’d agreed some time he would see her over the school holidays, I’ve arranged childcare around my time off and my DDs time with him. I get a text smack bangbin he middle of mine and DDs two week holiday abroad saying “can’t have xxxxxx the dates we discussed make alternate arrangements”

Now I’m sick of my DD being messed around, he doesn’t contribute to childcare, he doesn’t help with uniform etc, he’s paying reduced maintenance and just doesn’t pull his weight! There are of course many other instances but I could go on all day. I have never ever refused him seeing her, I have never asked for extra money and in my mind I have been more than fair! I’ve always been as accommodating as I can but without putting my time with her on the back burner or being a push over!

So AIBU to tell her dad to contact a solicitor and we will have something more formal put together around his visits with DD as I’m sick of telling her she can’t see him now and having to think of a reason to tell her?! I’ll also be contacting the csa on my return to sort the maintenance issue out.

OP posts:

Bambamber · 30/07/2018 14:38

YANBU to get something more formal written up.

In the meantime it may be worthwhile not telling your daughter when contact is supposed to be. That way she won't be upset if he doesn't show or changes plans

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 14:40

Oh definitely. "Make alternate arrangements." Grammatical issues aside, that is just so rude! His poor child.

PrettyLovely · 30/07/2018 14:46

Yanbu at all. Well done for doing the best for your child, Its a shame he doesnt.

Original poster

Mixedupmumma83 · 30/07/2018 15:49

I’ve never really wanted to go down that road and risk someone else making a decision over what is best for a child that they don’t know. However stability is key!!

OP posts:

KC225 · 30/07/2018 16:04

Yes. Yes and thrice yes. You have more than accommodating. Your poor daughter.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/07/2018 16:37

Have you discussed with him how difficult his inconsistency is? YANBU to go the solicitor route and I can see it’s likely it would end up being the only route that will work. It’s just you don’t mention having voiced your discontent to him and if he is just being a bit oblivious then it might be less expensive and easier to do it without involving the courts. Also, even if you get a court order he will still be able to text you saying “can’t do that after all” and leave you having to find childcare or console a child whose dad can’t be bothered with her birthday. So it may be you should just lay down how you want it to be and let him think about a solicitor if he can be bothered (unlikely).

Bibesia · 30/07/2018 16:42

Go for adequate maintenance at the same time.

ExFury · 30/07/2018 17:14

Yanbu at all, but bear in mind a court can’t make him stick to access dates.

My DDs father has court ordered access that he got because I was bitter/angry/hated him/stopped him seeing her/insert whatever excuse. However, while the court can order that she is available to him on set days they can’t order him to turn up.

NorthernSpirit · 30/07/2018 17:18

Separate contact and maintenance, they are completely separate.

Go through the CMS for maintenance - he should be paying and can’t just drop it.

Contact - you’ve been very accommodating. Tell him he now needs to formalise contact.

princesskatethefirst · 30/07/2018 17:24

God he sounds like my exH. After 11 years of that shit I told him to see a solicitor as I was sick of it and the verbal that came with it. Needless to say he didn't and that was 4 years ago, he's never since got in touch with me or DD since. Even she's decided it's better off this way than being constantly let down, I feel your pain.

Original poster

Mixedupmumma83 · 31/07/2018 16:27

Thank you for your replies!

ExFury you are right, no one can make him turn up. It’s entirely his decision, his reaction will show just how serious he is about staying part of her life. Being in between and coming and going isn’t good enough, either stay or go! But then I see things very black and white sometimes.

I will make the most of our last week on holiday and sort it all when I get back. To date I have not responded to his message, I don’t need an argumentative exchange.

OP posts:

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