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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DF and DGC

10 replies

Colouringaddict · 30/07/2018 12:48

I have 3dgc, sadly at the moment 2 are estranged after a nasty split between my DS and his ex ( he left for another woman, kids are now weapons). This is now going through court with CAFCASS etc. My dad is 70 and a grumpy old man. I called him yesterday to remind him of the birthdays in the family this month, including one of the estranged dgc. He then tells me he’s not buying for her as he never sees her and he’s not buying for people he never sees. He does however buy presents and sends money to his late partners children that live in Ireland, 2 of which he has never met. He used to collect these children from school when they lived here and proudly announces that he never missed a Christmas play or sports day. He never did this for my dc or my dgc. This isn’t the 1st time he’s announced the non present buying, he did it at Easter when he bought my youngest dgc a lovely egg but left the other 2 out, I did complain that it’s not their fault, and it makes me so sad because my eldest dgc adores him. Obviously both my daughter and us as grandparents miss these children desperately, but he’s clearly not interested. I am so angry with him but not sure of how to deal with it. My heart says this is the final straw and I’m done and my head says he’s my dad and may not live much longer but I’m not sure I can get passed this. Help please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Colouringaddict · 30/07/2018 12:49

Sorry that should read, late partners grandchildren. Not children although he does buy for them too

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 12:51

Didn't you do this thread earlier ?

FASH84 · 30/07/2018 12:54

Want this exact thread written yesterday?

Original poster
Colouringaddict · 30/07/2018 13:12

Yes and had no replies. So was trying again

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/07/2018 14:25

It's his choice, you can choose to fall out with him over it or not. He's decided he's only buying for people he has a relationship with. Not much you can do.

StayAChild · 30/07/2018 15:07

I think I would just stop reminding him or discussing birthdays with him. Leave him to his own devices. It's really not your responsibility. Do what you can yourself to make all your DGC the same, regardless of circumstances.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can't imagine not seeing my own DGC Flowers

Original poster
Colouringaddict · 30/07/2018 15:18

I’ve been a really hands on grand parent all of their lives. They only ever left them with me, had them for mini holidays, over nights and trips. Always did a birthday party here so they had 2 birthdays. Losing them like this is devastating, I’m just about putting one foot in front of the other. I dread to think what they’ve been told, they must be asking where we are. I have to put my faith in the court that they can see through her lies. Ironically I actually look after my other grandchild while the parents work. We all miss them dreadfully

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PositiveVibez · 30/07/2018 15:22

Is your dad ill, because 70 isn't that old. If he is in good health, he will probably be around for a good few years yet.

I hope you reconnect with your grandchildren soon Flowers

KC225 · 30/07/2018 15:40

Have you tried contacting the DIL or the other grandparents. I know these situations are difficult and each has there own story.

My neighbour saw her grandchild whilst her stepson and his girlfriend went through a very acrimonious break up. My neighbour told her she missed her grandchild so much and they agreed not to talk about the stepson/partner. For the first year the exgirlfriend would visit with the grandchild or they would meet in a park or play centre. I think she wanted to make sure she wouldn't allow her estranged partner to turn up.

I think you just have to let it be with your DF. Its admirable that you want things to be even but he may be thinking what's the point? Is he using this to take it out some anger on your DIL? How do you get these gifts to your grandchildren?

Original poster
Colouringaddict · 30/07/2018 23:04

I was seeing them without my son being present for months. As much as I didn’t agree with it and it went against everything I believed in, we felt it was better for us to continue to see them than no one did, until one day I couldn’t have them, I was quite ill and didn’t want to pass it on to them. From that point on they were always too busy, or she’d ignore my texts and calls, and then she blocked me. She did that at the same time as she received documents from the court that my son had initiated for contact, she then made some really serious allegations that were all false. I was very carefully not getting involved in the fighting and abuse that they were both guilty of, I just wanted to see the children. Because of her accusations all kinds of outside agencies are now involved and it’s going to be a very lengthy and expensive process. I planned on posting the birthday presents, well at least the cards, I hadn’t really decided what to do about gifts, I was torn between choosing something and posting it, buying a gift voucher or opening a bank account for them and putting the money in there. It’s just all so messy, and no one seems to be thinking about the effects on them.
I do feel my dad is being unfair, if he lived by his own rules there are several people he wouldn’t be sending gifts to, but he “ predicted this would happen when they were born and he told me not to get attached, and there is no love lost!” I’m hurt by him, really hurt

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