To leave even though things aren’t awful?

[TiredSloth]

I have been around for a while but I have name changed. I have been with my partner for 10 years and we have two small children, one who has life limiting health problems. I have recently started to feel suffocated in this relationship and I feel like I have a third child, not a partner. He has a short fuse and is constantly shouting at the kids. There is no spontaneity or fun. He does not show initiative and is constantly engrossed in his phone or his hobby.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression but he has not once asked me about it. I feel like I am trapped and I’m desperate for a fresh start with the kids. I am under no illusion that being a single parent is easy but I want my children to grow up in a household of love, fun and laughter that will help them develop into well adjusted, empathetic, friendly adults.

Aibu to leave when things aren’t really awful?

Shouting at the children for no good reason, no fun, feeling trapped, no attention to you because he is on his phone. These are good reasons to leave. He doesn’t sound like he cares much for you.

Wanting your children to grow up with love, fun and laughter makes sense and should happen. You sound very brave. Good luck.

YANBU but it would be a bit drastic. Couldn’t you try relationship counselling first?

Does he have any idea you feel this way? If you tell him, perhaps he would be willing to make some changes to improve your relationship.

If he won't engage, sounds like the relationship is not worth staying for. Sorry, and good luck

Leave! Easier said than done, but you sound completely fucked off and miserable with the situation. He's busy pissing about on his phone whilst you pick up the slack here. If it's worth a shot then tell him exactly how you feel? Will he put the phone away and invest the time in you and his family? If not then LTB and let him crack on with whatever virtual sideline life he's fannying about with on there.

What do you mean, "things aren't really awful"? How much more àwful do they have to get?

Thanks everyone. He won’t engage in serious conversations about our relationship and if we ever seriously argue he just tells me there’s no point in living. He is just repeating the pattern from his own childhood but won’t acknowledge this.

I’m a bit scared because we did break up briefly a long time ago (before kids) and he would not accept it and used to stand outside my parents house and ring up and scream down the phone at me or my mum.

I suppose they are awful single, I just meant there’s no abuse or anything.

I would be gone like a shot.

In that case, make a plan and go. Don't waste years on him. Good luck

But how do you even broach this with someone who has no idea?

You can leave for any reason , but this is an especially solid one x

I don't believe you are being unreasonable. It might do him some good too, a wake up call.

There is abuse though OP.. if his reaction is to tell (threaten) that his life isn't worth living if you rock the boat, and to have kicked off with you and your mum in the past? That speaks volumes! It's all about him and his upset and his feelings, where are you and the dc in this?

I suppose I’m just starting to realise that me and the dc just tiptoe around him. He has a very good way of making you feel guilty for things that he has done if that makes sense?

Does anyone have any advice on how to do it? What if he won’t leave?

Sounds a lot like awful to me.

If he won’t discuss it just tell him. I’d want a plan and the means to go through with it.

What’s your living situation?

We live in a council property which I really need to stay in with the dc so I can’t leave. I’m really worried that he won’t go. He can be quite intense. I’m also scared he will do something stupid.

I want my children to grow up in a household of love, fun and laughter

My mum left my dad, and it was the best thing she did, we were poor but made our own fun!

Speak to Woman Aid for advice, you can always ask the police to escort him off if he refuses to leave.

Sounds pretty awful if you're tiptoeing around and he refuses to have a conversation.

Thanks Greentulips that is exactly what I want for my kids. We will be poor but there will no longer be a dark cloud over us. My dd has already told me she just wants it to be me, her and ds.

Is this behaviour new? It’s it possible that he is also suffering from depression?

Could you broach it with him sensitively and ask for him to get support , give him a chance? If things don’t change then you should ask him to leave.

Speak to your council to let them know you want to keep the house on your own if its currently in both your names. Consider calling 101 for advice as the police may be able to attend to stop a breach of the peace. Tell him today. Don't let any more of your life drift past when you're unhappy.

You need to start by having a conversation with him so he knows you're unhappy and why. Maybe he is too and won't put up as much resistance as you expect.

I left a relationship with a man because it was just teamwork/friendship, rather than an actual romantic relationship. I realised it wasn’t a happy situation so sat down and had a chat with him, explained everything. We split up...but are now very good friends, co-parent, go to each other’s events, I get on with his wife (with whom he has a great relationship), we’re all able to go do things together, and everybody is much happier.

Obviously every situation is different, and nobody can know all the nuances of yours, but sometimes leaving can be a good decision. If you have doubts, though, marriage counselling might be worth a try before taking such a big step; you might be able to make things better, or you’ll at least feel more confident in your decision.

I’m a bit scared because we did break up briefly a long time ago (before kids) and he would not accept it and used to stand outside my parents house and ring up and scream down the phone at me or my mum.

if we ever seriously argue he just tells me there’s no point in living.

I suppose I’m just starting to realise that me and the dc just tiptoe around him.

He has a very good way of making you feel guilty for things that he has done if that makes sense?

He has a short fuse and is constantly shouting at the kids.

He can be quite intense. I’m also scared he will do something stupid.

This is abuse. He is abusive. These aren't features of a bad relationship, these are features of somebody abusing you.

The reason you are afraid is not because you're "overreacting" or "too sensitive" or "weak", you are afraid because he is abusing you and he wants you afraid. It makes you easier to control (which is what abuse is about, not the "abusive monster" or "endless violence & cruelty" you might be using to judge whether this is abusive or not).

This is how an abuser behaves, and this is how you've detailed him behaving: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

He doesn't have to be a carbon copy of every single example in that video - one of those things alone would still be abusive and unacceptable.

So, firstly, don't tell him what you're thinking. You're right, he won't just calmly accept it, and he will go on the attack in the way he did before. Abuse is about having control of you, and you deciding to leave means he loses control of you - hence him ramping up anything he can think of to try and drag you back into submission.

Secondly, call Women's Aid for advice: 0808 2000 247. They will be able to help you sort out a safe plan and prepare yourself. It might take a few tries to get through, but don't give up. They exist to help people in exactly the situation you describe. Please don't feel that it's "not bad enough" for you to call them - it is.

Remember, if you ever feel afraid of him, you can and should be calling the police immediately. Don't wait for things to get out of control before you allow yourself to call them.

Thirdly, once all the practical stuff is in place, get yourself on the Freedom Programme so they can help you understand what abuse really is, how it works, how it's affected you, just how abusive he actually is, and what a healthy relationship would look like.

Even if you have no interest in any other relationship ever again, FP will help you rebuild and make sense of all of this so you and your DC can heal from it and have stronger, brighter futures. FP covers how children are affected by living in a home like this - and how they recover from it. So that knowledge will help you to help them too.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you will get through it and it will get better. Take all the support available. You do not have to live like this and it is not your fault.