To think 'feeling the fear & doing it anyway' doesn't always work

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I first read Susan Jeffers book, feel the fear & do it anyway' many many years ago.

I've always suffered with anxiety yet I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times, I've backpacked, I've done public speaking, I go to exercise classes alone, I speak to people who I'm a bit scared of.
All the above things have scared me & I always think 'after this I'll never be scared again' yet I always have the same anxiety.
Is it something I'm just going to have to live with? I guess I'm lucky that I can push through & do things but they never get any easier!

My main anxiety is social situations. I make myself socialise but I find it so tiresome. After 2 mins of small talk I just want to sit in a dark room. Yet I want friends.

So do I need to push myself more or was Susan Jeffers talking rubbish?

I feel exactly the same. I take part in a very social hobby bug struggle to make friends but for other they seem to make friends very easily. I really want friends too.

Hopefully someone will post with the answer

I don't agree with pushing myself to do things that I know will trigger my anxiety because it makes me unwell. I think we should be open about anxiety. I think that telling people to ignore the fear is basically saying hide your problems. I'm open about my mental health and my limitations. You wouldn't tell someone with broken leg to walk on it.

I read that book a long time ago and it spoke to me.

I am still terrified of lots of things but do them anyway because I want the outcome. I don't expect to ever stop being afraid of them. I thought the point of the book was to do the scary stuff to get your desired outcome even if you are scared.

There are some things I have become desensitised to of course after a few times of fear then doing it anyway. Still loads of things like public speaking, fee negotiations, swimming in open water that will shit me right up forever but I do them anyway (two of my children adore open water swimming).

I always thought the point of rhe book was you push through the fear and the next time you do something it is easier?
@Raven I've felt sick on occasion but pushed through. It's not nice!

I thought the point of the book was to do the scary stuff to get your desired outcome even if you are scared.

That’s what I took away from it too. So I got my most recent job (one I love) even though the thought of the interview made me vomit with nerves. I did the interview anyway. Still expect to be similarly terrified next time I have an interview though!

To get habituated to an anxiety-provoking situation you have to a) stay in the situation for at least an hour or so to allow the initial wave of anxiety to subside and b) experience it regularly, say several times a week.

Obviously there are some situations for which this just isn't possible, unfortunately.

I did this with flying. Cried for the first half hour of a long haul trip then pulled myself together. Did several flights over the next few weeks and was feeling much better about it.
But then didn’t fly again for a year and back to square 1!

Maybe it's about the repetition of the feared situtaion, till gradually the fear ebbs away. I don't suffer from anxiety but I was a shy child and over the years that has ebbed away through constantly putting myself in situations that are sometimes challenging. Just keep doing it.

There's a difference between reactive anxiety that's linked to real-world consequences (eg I'm scared of this interview because it's unknown and I might fail) and generalised anxiety that exists regardless of situations/consequences. The first is lessened by experience, the second isn't. If it's generalised anxiety you have it might be worth considering counselling or medication to deal with it.

I did not read the book, but my husband is doing CBT which is similar. I think the trick is to gradually do things and gradually start liking them and I think it does work for him... and I sometimes did the same and it worked. Have to stop now because my kids woke up but if you want me to I can explain more later.

BTW I think counseling (CBT) works on the principle feel the fear on do it anyway. My dh does CBT for ptsd and I think this sentence is important for ptsd but I might be wrong.

It’s a while since I read it but I thought there was an aspect of don’t let the fear stop you living your life.
Some well known actors suffer stage fright all their life

Yep - also "you regret the things you don't do more than the things you did".

Pretty sure my mum regrets marrying her abusive first husband as top of the list.

Habituation is retraining your brain, so start small, build up, persist. Should work well if you have developed an anxiety disorder and were not always this way.

However, if you are naturally more introverted, if you have sensory issues or similar, then you might always find these situations more draining. In which case changing the environment (not going for so long, staying in certain quieter areas for the main part, taking breaks) or changing how you cope (social strategies, playing a part etc) might help.

Have you heard of the Dare book by Barry McDonagh OP? Ive found it so so helpful with anxiety. It really helps you accent the anxiety and not fight it, which makes the anxiety worse. I have improved so much since reading it. I would really recommend giving it a look

I prefer the one that goes like this.
Sometimes the fear won't go away so you will just have to do it afraid.

It is about not letting anxiety rule your life being stubborn and getting to do the things you want and need to do regardless of the anxiety and not letting it stop you.

It won't always work and it is horrible to have to push through it. Recovery from anything isn't nice though you if have a broken limb its itchy and painful you might need physio which can hurt and be time consuming.
Making yourself do things that cause your anxiety, (for me public transport is the main at the moment) is like physio for your mental health

you're not meant to never feel scared again but with each experience your confidence increases, sometimes skills and situation handling too, and you become a richer person than if you never did anything due to anxiety

It does work, you're just expecting something that was never promised

Spaghettijumper makes a great point about the difference with generalised anxiety. I've found that avoiding anxiety inducing situations was the worst idea for me (ended up depressed as well as anxious), but that pushing myself to feel the fear only worked if I then was able to use my experience as evidence that I could cope with that stuff in the future, changing the script in my head - and CBT helped me with that.

It has absolutely worked for me, but there's no denying it's a long hard process. I make a conscious effort to do things out of my comfort zone frequently and although I do still suffer from anxiety, i am so much better than I was a few years ago, and my life is much bigger and richer too.

I don't see it as hiding my anxiety. More like me telling the anxiety to fuck off and ignoring it. It's still there but it doesn't control me.

I think it does make a difference with generalised anxiety. Over time as I've faced my fears my generalised anxiety had also reduced, although it took longer. I only really feel it now when I'm very tired or run down.

The point that PPs make about repetition is true. I’m autistic, and have social anxiety, to the point that I used to vomit with nerves during ward rounds as a medical student.
In later life I learned to play bridge, but was so terrified of trying to join a club that I put it off for three years after finishing the lessons.
Eventually I forced myself to go, and was so anxious, I played really poorly and came home exhausted with stress. I found it tougher than dealing with emergencies at the hospital! But I kept going, even though I dreaded it all day and was rushing to the loo with nerves between games.
It took months to desensitise the fear, but finally, after so much repetition, I not only hugely enjoy the play (and occasionally my partner and I even come top!), but I also manage to make conversation with the other players, discovering that they are human beings too, rather than feared experts.
I’d say keep going, OP. Anxiety is a bugger, it limits your life terribly, and there is no quick fix - you won’t be magically cured after “doing it anyway” just once. But persistence - and a stubborn refusal to let it hold you back- will bring results. Not to mention a nice glow of achievement!