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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I overthinking?

10 replies

LoveOfAnAngel · 29/07/2018 19:53

Okay, so my best friend is old enough to be my mother but the age thing has never been an issue. We connect on a level I've never had with a friend before and she just 'gets' me without me even having to say anything.

Anyway, I've had a lot happen over the last year (my relationship ended rather badly, I had to move out andI lost my baby daughter at 21 weeks on Christmas Eve) at first she was really supportive but now I just don't hear from her. We met through work and that's the only time I have any contact from her. She has gone from messaging me everyday to nothing. She has had some personal things going on and she has three grown up sons one of which has had some stuff going on so I know that she's been busy with that but I just feel so abandoned.

When I first moved out she said she would come around for dinner but she hasn't been once, she says about going shopping after payday but it never happens. I am estranged from my family and have no other friends so I am literally on my own. I don't speak to anyone from the time I finish work on Friday night until the time I go back there on Monday morning and she doesn't even bother to message me.

I stopped messaging her because I felt like I was bothering her and on the two occasions that I have messaged her of an evening over the last few weeks her response has been we'll talk about it tomorrow (meaning at work) which never happens and leaves me feeling like I shouldn't have messaged her because she clearly doesn't want to talk to me outside of work.

It was my birthday two weeks ago and I kno she forgot because she hasn't mentioned it at all and then a card arrived to work from an old colleague and it must of reminded her because she rushed out at lunchtime and bought me a present (she doesn't know I know she forgot but she went from not mentioning it to repeatedly commenting that it was my birthday after the arrival of the card). So I spent my birthday on my own.

Am I being unreasonable and expecting to much?

OP posts:
Domino20 · 29/07/2018 19:56

You sound overinvested in this one friendship. For your own sake you need to broaden your horizons.

Singlenotsingle · 29/07/2018 20:24

If you go to the same place regularly, maybe a cafe outside in the sunshine, you'll find that people start to recognise you. They begin to nod when they see you, and soon you can start up a conversation. That way you can make friends...Grin

NewYearNewMe18 · 29/07/2018 20:27

You describe this lady as your best friend ….. does she see you the same way, or just as a work colleague?

I too think you are over invested in this relationship, and your colleague doesn't currently have the capacity to be your emotional support as she has family issues of her own.

notsohippychick · 29/07/2018 20:30

Have you asked her how she is? Maybe the relationship is a little one sided in her point of view? Have you been to see her?

jpclarke · 29/07/2018 20:33

I think you are both at very different stages of life. Your work friends are not necessarily the same as your home friends. I think you need to get a hobby and try and meet friends closer to your own age. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, you must be going through a lot, have you tried any support groups for your loss? I am sorry to be harsh but I don't think she sees you as her best friend.

LoveOfAnAngel · 29/07/2018 20:37

She always calls me her best friend for Christmas she bought me a beat friend charm for my pandora bracelet.

I do ask how she is and she talks to me about the stuff that is going on with her son.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 29/07/2018 20:39

You need more friends. Get a hobby? Join a class?

Blizzardagain · 29/07/2018 20:41

If she's been a good friend until recently then I'd say it sounds like she has her own issues going on. Don't force it up. If she didn't care she wouldn't have rushed out to get something for your birthday

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 29/07/2018 20:44

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. It sounds as if, for whatever reason, this woman isn't able to be as good a friend as you thought she was. I echo the other posters who suggest ways to meet more people, are there any weekend walking/craft/choir/hobby groups in the area?

Specky12 · 29/07/2018 20:45

If she has stuff going on perhaps she feels that after all the support she gave you, she is not supported back when she needs it. Or perhaps, and I don't mean this to sound harsh, but perhaps she has her own stuff going on and hasn't the strength to support you as well right now. If you want to try and save/restore the friendship perhaps say to her how much you value her and thank her for all the support she gave, and say you hope she knows she can rely on you to support her if she ever needs.... And then leave it for a while with the door open for her if and when she wants to.

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