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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why men do this?

41 replies

ConfusedDazed3 · 29/07/2018 09:45

I went on a great first date with a guy in his late 20s, around 4 years older than me. He paid for the drinks, we stayed out around 3.5 hours. His body language suggested he found me attractive as did his text at the end of the night... Seemed to have a very similar sense of humour and chatted the whole time. I was trying to play it cool but I was thrilled when he asked to see me again on a specific day the week after - all good. We messaged a bit that night, I thanked him and said it was great, we chatted about the second date and I left it there.

He then got in touch a few days later to give me some advice on something we’d spoken about during the date - very sweet! We chatted a bit more, all instigated by him, lots of questions from him - and then he never replied to my last message. Why did he bother seemingly expressing so much interest, inviting me out again, getting in touch out of the blue? I am sitting in my hands but feel like I have nothing to lose if I say something? I know he’s going through a weird time with work but what?! He seemed more invested hence why I got excited to see him again. Feel like a fool

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 29/07/2018 09:48

How long since you sent the last message? Did it absolutely need a reply? Can you message and say ‘are we still on for x day’?

ButchyRestingFace · 29/07/2018 09:48

Are you sure he got (and read) your last message?

ConfusedDazed3 · 29/07/2018 10:01

The day of second date has definitely passed! I’m 90% sure he got my last (chatty) message, yes. Last heard from him around 5 days ago. Date was supposed to be 3 days ago!

OP posts:
Mistoffelees · 29/07/2018 10:04

Why didn't you message him asking for details of the second date?

userxx · 29/07/2018 10:05

Was he an online date?

LuluBellaBlue · 29/07/2018 10:08

It’s bizarrebut there’s some people this is just an ego boost for 🤷🏽‍♀️

He wanted to know that you wanted to see him again, so he’s ‘won’ you over and now has probably moved into someone else.

I have no idea how you’re meant to filter this type of guy out either? Sorry as it’s not nice to bed led on (I’ve had it happen several times with OLD)

ConfusedDazed3 · 29/07/2018 10:29

Yeah he was an OLD... so odd though

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 29/07/2018 10:52

If it was old maybe he met someone he liked better? most people mutli date.

If I had sent the man the last message and hadnt got a response I wouldnt be sending another about the upcoming date personally!!

ConfusedDazed3 · 29/07/2018 10:53

Yeah that’s fine but the way he did it was so rude

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 29/07/2018 10:57

Rude? I dont think he has been rude tbh. It was only 1 date. Doesnt owe you anything.

Treacletoots · 29/07/2018 10:59

Yup! That's old for you and it just sucks. The only advice I can give you is don't tolerate any shit, any at all. If someone genuinely cares about and is interested in you, they will not behave like this. Anyone who does simply isn't worth your headspace.

If he does message you, simply reply with a 'sorry, who is this I don't recognize the number" if he doesn't get the message from that reply "oh I delete people if they show an ounce of fuckwittage, so off you fuck" or similar

Anxious2niteaaah · 29/07/2018 11:01

Try one more time with a text...keep it casual

Text something like hi X , fancy meeting up in town for a coffee today?

If he doesn't reply then walk away,

If he replies that he can't today, then reply back thats ok when are you free?...and take it from there...

If he says he doesn't want to date you, then tell him you would like to try to stay friends as you enjoyed being in his company and the rapport you had together on the date

MorrisZapp · 29/07/2018 11:02

Of course it's bloody rude! He asked her on a second date, then blanked her.

How could that not be rude?

userxx · 29/07/2018 11:04

@Anxious2niteaaah Why the hell would you say that! I certainly wouldn't be massaging some dickheads ego. The guy is a cock, do not message him again.

burnoutbabe · 29/07/2018 11:07

I would definitely have texted on the day to check if the 2nd date was happening.
(And always made sure that we hadn't 100% confirmed all details in advance so needed to be in touch on the day to confirm meeting time/exact location) so no worrying about maybe they'd just turn up without contact so I'd be the rude one standing there up!

mimibunz · 29/07/2018 11:10

Let it go and block him. He’s probably found someone to shag and that’s all he wanted.

worridmum · 29/07/2018 11:12

Why do woman play games with texting as in they wont text first etc and actually play games with the men the like as in act cool and not interested in when in infact they are very intrested in. But most men have been brought up if a woman is not intrested in you, you move on (ok this might be a generalization but its pretty damn common with people i know from collage university and work.

Why cannot people be honest with no stupid game playing of appearing not to be interested / pretending to be interested etc

PositiveVibez · 29/07/2018 11:15

Try one more time with a text...keep it casual

Text something like hi X , fancy meeting up in town for a coffee today?

If he doesn't reply then walk away

If he replies that he can't today, then reply back thats ok when are you free?...and take it from there...

If he says he doesn't want to date you, then tell him you would like to try to stay friends as you enjoyed being in his company and the rapport you had together on the date

Omg. That is the WORST advice I have ever read on MN

Don't do this!!!

He would have messaged by now if he wanted another date.

Chalk it down to experience and move on. He sounds like a dick.

Piffle11 · 29/07/2018 11:18

My DSis had this a few times when internet dating: meets guy for drinks/meal, get on great, he's v keen and tells her how great/pretty/ funny etc she is, makes another date, then goes silent on her. I have NO idea why anyone over the age of 16 would act this way: got a better offer? Hoping for sex on first date? In need of an ego boost? Married and just want to prove they've still 'got it'? If he was that keen there's no way he would have gone silent, nor would he have forgotten about the second date. Chalk it up to experience and accept that you have had a lucky escape … chances are that in a few weeks/ maybe longer he will get back in touch - this happened a couple of times with my DSis: no contact for ages, then a text out of the blue 'hey! How are you, beautiful?' type thing. Ignore, as I can guarantee if you respond, he'll go quiet again! Dangling a carrot, 'look, I could still get her if I wanted to'. My DSis also had one guy who basically missed their second date, ignored her messages, then got in touch saying there had been a family emergency … could they reschedule … they did … and he went quiet again. Bizarre behaviour.

Gabilan · 29/07/2018 11:26

I dont think he has been rude tbh. It was only 1 date. Doesnt owe you anything

I think in that situation he owes her basic human kindness, politeness and decency. He doesn't owe her a long conversation and an apology. He should just have texted to say "really sorry, I'm cancelling the date. Hope you meet someone lovely soon."

VladmirsPoutine · 29/07/2018 11:29

Because; the long and short of it is that he's just not that interested in you. Don't put your eggs in one basket. You'll need to develop a thicker skin with OLD. Crack on Wine

Notmany · 29/07/2018 11:30

He's either got what he thinks is a better offer and has ghosted you (which now seems to be socially acceptable) or something important has happened in his life and he hasn't be able to continue his dating. Either way he hasn't had the courtesy to let you know so that tells you all you need to know to forget about him and move on to the next guy.

speakout · 29/07/2018 11:31

Sorry but I have never experienced that with men.

I am usually the one dodging after a few dates if I am not that keen.

Men are usually pests giving too much attention.

SendintheArdwolves · 29/07/2018 11:39

Are you for real, @anxioustoniteaaah ??

Try one more time with a text...keep it casual

Or maybe just skip straight to outright begging?

Text something like hi X , fancy meeting up in town for a coffee today?

"I AM DESPERATE FOR YOUR ATTENTION"

If he replies that he can't today, then reply back thats ok when are you free?...and take it from there...

"PLEASE PLEASE DATE ME WHENEVER IS CONVENIENT TO YOU"

If he says he doesn't want to date you, then tell him you would like to try to stay friends as you enjoyed being in his company and the rapport you had together on the date

"NO DON'T GO I'LL DO ANYTHING....JUST SCRAPS WILL DO...OH GOD PLEASE DON'T REJECT ME...I'LL BE YOUR SPANIEL"

This is terrible advice, OP. When a dude is not interested, don't make things weird by actually begging for a date, then attempting to negotiate down to seeing each other "as friends". But you didn't need to be told that, right? Because it is obvious.

Ryder63 · 29/07/2018 11:42

I had this once with OLD - and we are both in our 60s! this behaviour is not confined to the young. I also met a guy, accepted a second date, changed my mind after thinking it through, so messaged him politely, days before the scheduled second date, telling him I felt no 'spark' but hoped he'd find someone else soon - I got a message back which was basically a torrent of abuse - then he blocked me! Shock

So many entitled men out there, of all ages. I also had first dates with men who felt the need to hold hands while walking, caress my shoulders while sitting....I always put a stop to this, and accepted NO second dates. They hadn't bought rights to my body by simply turning up! Bizarre! Grin

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