To feel as though I’m the only one in this position?

[Lucyinthewardrobe]

I know IABU but I’m just feeling sorry for myself today.

I am NC with my toxic family. This has been a good decision that I have not regretted.

I am happily married with DCs. DH has a big family. In a perfect world they’d be the family I never had growing up but sadly they aren’t. They adore DH but have not been very welcoming to me over the years. We clash over politics - they are very faithful to one political party and I am definitely not, and in general I think they’d just rather DH had married someone different, they tolerate me but can be quite rude and mean to me at times - not often, but when they are it serves as a reminder that I wouldn’t have been their choice for DH - and I would definitely not consider them my family. DH has withdrawn from them when they’ve been shitty to me and is always on my side.

But ultimately they are his family. Right now he’s down south for a wedding with them all and I’m just feeling a bit lonely and low. It feels as though everyone has a family they grew up with except me. It occurred to me the other day I don’t have a single person in my life who knew me as a child and no parent figures in my life - is anyone else in this position?

It cant just be politics - I know people with very different views to my self and whilst I don't agree with them (or actually bother to engage in political discussion with them) I don't dislike them.

Why haven't you gone to the wedding ?

Start looking at the positives you have in your life and be thankful. Who are the people that matter and support you? Yes you don’t have anyone from your childhood but lots of people don’t. Build your own long term relationships now with quality friends and others. Have low expectations of DHs family, that way you won’t feel disappointed.

It’s possible that no one could be good enough for DH if he is a golden child

No it isn’t just politics but that’s been a big issue because I have never been able to get on board with their politics and can’t pretend. And it’s a massive part of their lives and has been since they were students - they spend a lot of their time campaigning and fundraising.

We are on holiday - booked before the wedding - and DH is driving up and joining us tomorrow.

I have one friend who I met at school. Everyone else in my life I met after leaving home for good to go to university. I'd usually make myself busy with a friend if my dh was at a family thing without me. I know That's harder as everyone Else usually has their own family etc.
I went into my former relationship hoping to find a connection with his parents. I realised It's pointless. The bond formed with family as a child isn't some sort of rational bond of mutual affection the way that these form as adults. When you're not loved or liked as a child you miss out on the chance to be irrationallyy adored until you have children. But I know toxic families inevitably raise wary adults unsure of ever risking it with their own children.
Take care of you. Your dh sounds supportive, that sounds the healthy bond you deserve.

You’re right re having low expectations, it does help. Like recently I was invited on to a radio show (radio 4!) to talk about an area of my work (non political)and they just did not give a shit. Didn’t even acknowledge when DH emailed to tell them. But go on and on about achievements of their other DIL. It does make me feel crap especially as I don’t have parents of my own to be proud of me.

I do have some very good friends who are supportive and always there for me. It still makes me sad sometimes though.

Thanks subtle. Sometimes I feel like such a loser as I’m so desperate for a mum I actually find myself watching TV and films and fantasising about older women being my mum. I try to be the mum I never had to my DCs, I guess that has to be enough.