AIBU to drop contact with a clingy friend?

[Anonymumm]

I posted separately, a little while ago, about a situation whereby a super duper clingy friend put me in a really awkward sitauation and, ultimately, after going with my gut and taking on the replies I received, decided it was best if I distanced myself from them.

My question now is, do I make contact? Or do I just let the summer roll on and see them again when term starts (our kids go to the same school, and this is how we met)

I do NOT want to get into a situation like I did before (feeling like I had a stalker, her orchestrating things to be where I was, copying my clothing, me turning round and no matter who I wasn't talking to, she was there, her insatiable need to know everything about me and my whereabouts and then going a little bit cray, cray, when for one of the first times ever I couldn't make myself available when she wanted me to be)

I also wouldn't want her to feel hurt or rejected, but through some of her actions, I don't know how to feel about things myself.

Do you ever feel completely disillusioned with some of the friendships you've had, and have had?

I thought all this crap go to left behind when you left school, how wrong I was!

Your thoughts and experiences please :-)

Have you ever had a friend who has been so needy/clingy that it's felt suffocating and claustrophobic?

Why on earth make contact if you don't want to?

Have confidence that your decision to distance was the right one.

Ahhhh I am in the middle of similar myself! Every time I distance myself, she gets very huffy. However, she is extremely manipulative. I have realised I can't have the type of normal friendship I wish to have with her. I think now you have gained distance, keep it. She won't change and it is best to try to keep it light and breezy when you see her.

Thanks StopPOP

I've never been in a situation like this before, and you're right, I have to have confidence in myself and my decision. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Twicethrice
It is reassuring to hear I'm not the only one! You're right, she won't change. She is very manipulative, and everything is all about her, I've always been nothing other than nice and pleasant, but when I couldn't meet as regularly as she had hoped, she sent me two texts and then a letter, accompanied by a gift, about it all. In her efforts to pull me back in, she actually pushed me miles away.

I don't think I'm sad about it, I think I'm wondering whether I'm being a bitch by maintaining no contact? I'm a people pleaser and it all goes against the grain a bit.

YANBU. I sadly had to do this myself in the last year. I simply didn't have the energy to cope with my own shit going on, plus her clingy/neediness too. I did attempt to sort it out and we did talk about it, then get together a few times after that but it wasn't the same so we've both written it off really.

This is my nightmare as I need A LOT of space generally.. sadly though I have had it happen twice with friends...
One I have managed to keep friends with after just setting some boundaries (mainly in my own head) With her it was more about making sure I was not emotionally manipulated by telling myself I did not need to feel guilty about not replying to every message and not inviting her to everything single thing I ever did. She still would act upset and jealous but I would just ignore it and now days it isnt really an issue. She is actually a lovely person and its her own anxiety making her behave like she does... shes just looking to find rejection in everything. Once I stopped being super sensitive to that things got a lot easier however. She doesnt contact me as much as she used to because she knows I wont engage (she used to send at least a hundred messages a day via text, messenger and email) But now I only reply when I actually can/theres a reason to reply she messages only a few times every few days.

The other friend I did have to go completely no contact with sadly. Again she was a lovely person but I think she was very unwell... she had BPD and I dont think she was managing it very well at all. I wanted to be there for her but she just got more and more intense and abusive until the point I had to block her on every available platform. I havent spoken to her for many years now.

You are not a bitch and I don't think it is your fault questioning yourself. With people like this who are manipulative, it is really hard to gain control of the situation! With my situation I found myself feeling so bad as she would love bomb almost to get me back. So I felt like a horrible person and questioned it all. I tried to be very boundaried with her but found myself getting manipulated. It is hard but def try to keep the distance or else you will be back to square one again.

Welcome May I ask how old you are? I'm hurtling towards fifty so am firmly on the "Meh, life's too short, get rid of folk who bring nothing to your life, stop apologising for how you feel and not be required to set oneself on fire to keep others warm" bus. All aboard!

I had this and tried to discuss boundaries
in terms of an “I know we don’t see each other as much as we used to, but life is so busy now! And we see each other 1-2 times per month which is still fairly frequent”
Previously it was two-three times a week which was insane

She took it terribly and has ex-communicated me. I like you tried to be nice and wanted to stay on good terms but it wasn’t possible. Frankly it’s been a relief as she was too dependent on me and very jealous / bitter towards the end

@FoofFighter this is exactly how I feel, I've my own family, and my own stuff to deal with. I also don't think it would be the same, at all, if we were to meet up, I think it would feel really forced.

@haribosmarties I'm the exact same, whilst I consider myself a sociable person, I really don't need, nor have the desire, to be around other people 24/7. I need my space, it's really important to me. I also used to get an absurd amount of messages a day. It's all been very time consuming and emotionally draining.

@twicethrice Thank you again, I guess it's all felt like it's out of my hands for so long, and now it is in my hands, it's good to have the reassurance. I love the phrase of lovebomb, this is totally what would happen with me too.

True friendships work because you fit comfortably together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. It doesn't work if the pieces have to be jammed in regardless of how badly they fit.

It is not bitchy or horrible to recognise that you are not a good fit with another person.

As a people pleaser you need to start working on this for your (and others) well-being.

I do really think that sometimes quite clingy people can sort of gravitate to towards people who need a lot of space as it sort of confirms their fears iyswim... its a pretty toxic setup and remind yourself that actually in the long run you are setting this person free to find another friend who actually likes and wants to give the person that amount of contact and energy

@trojanpony that was my initially my tactic, said things were really busy, etc. She then messaged me asking to talk to me, I asked her if everything was ok (thinking she needed to offload about something) she messaged saying she was upset because I was pulling back and asking what she'd done wrong, I sent a very polite and friendly message back, reassured her I was busy asking her not to worry about it or get upset - she then messaged saying I'd changed with her and was acting differently - I never replied to that because I didn't want to feed the behaviour or upset her with saying what I was thinking - I would say a polite hello to her. She then sent me a gift (from a shop that her friend owns) and a letter (gift delivered from friends shop, with letter attached, so bet her friend thinks I'm an arse, and consequently, it's a shop that I love going in too) ranting on about how upset she was, how we don't want to make mutual friends feel awkward in our presence, asking what she'd done wrong, and assuming that everything was ok with me - little did she know that whilst all this was going on, I was waiting to hear whether my Dads cancer had recurred (thankfully, we are extremely lucky, and it hasn't but I could have really done without her, unbeknownst, impeccable timing - she doesn't know this, and I'm not going to tell her about it either, I'm just offloading I guess)

Well I've certainly never had a friend stalking me or copying my clothes. But I have had friends who needed/wanted more time and support than I was willing to give, so I've just backed off.

In both cases they have found other sources of support (one moves from helper to helper like a very entertaining parasite) and I've stayed on good terms with them to see in a group, or in one case individually. I've never had to spell it out though - I think that would be hard to come back from.

@BMW6 I love the jigsaw analogy, I'll remember that one (and probably quote it too!) I needed to hear that I have to work on this, too.

@haribosmarties another good point, I think you're right, and yes, it's very toxic - I guess I'll look at it all a lot more positively if I look at it in terms of setting her free

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha we will still be in each other's company in mutual groups, and I haven't spelled it out - I sent a very nice reassuring message to her after having received the gift, so I haven't said anything hurtful, or nasty or pointed at all, it's all been very polite - I guess I can then move forward whilst being polite, but not overly engaging, when I see her

I had something like this with a woman who lived across the road. This was in pre-internet, pre-mobile phone days so no texts or emails but she used to ring the house phone multiple times a day, if I didn't pick up she'd leave increasingly hysterical messages, "I know you're in because your car's on the drive" that kind of thing. She'd turn up on the doorstep "for a chat" at ungodly hours. I put up with it for far too long until in the end I just snapped and yelled at her to leave me alone, on my doorstep around midnight. She got the message and never contacted me again but it left a nasty taste and it was especially difficult as she lived over the road. I was mightily relieved when she finally moved out. Nip it in the bud now is my advice.

Well, my actions have spelled it out I guess, but I haven't been nasty, or have any qualms about the way in which I've behaved towards her.

@heatherblue that sounds like a complete and utter nightmare! My saving grace is that, whilst our kids go to the same school, I don't live near her. Though she would keep tabs on me, and where my car was parked, and for how long (messaging asking if I'd been speaking with someone, or at the shop, etc. Asling if I'd been somewhere if she saw my car parked up earlier than she anticipated at the school)

I’m opposite as in a way I have been a stalker but nowhere near as extreme as that word suggests. Like a pp said, it’s my anxiety making me behave like I do & I have been guilty of trying way too hard & sometimes of trying to get a friend to give more than they are able (or want) to give. I am getting better. Some friendships naturally “ die” anyway & I think I am learning to let go. With one particular friend, it’s become clear that I was investing a lot more in the friendship than she was but it’s ok because I’m discovering that she’s not as close to the others in our circle as I thought she was. I do miss what we had in the early days but I can’t force it. With another friend I had to back right off & we then reached an understanding. I realised I had been pretty needy.

I lost a friend for these reasons. She expected to be able to see me at least once a week, every week. If that's all we'd seen of each other, she'd say we'd barely seen each other. She was single, no dc, still lived at home, so I think she must have been quite bored/lonely. She would push and push me to agree to do things I didn't want to, and spend money I didn't have. Would text loads and crack up if I didn't reply promptly enough, (not caring that I was genuinely busy or even just having some down time, spending time with ds, or trying to read etc). In the end I started putting my foot down and saying no I'm busy/can't. I cancelled plans with her because I was ill, and she text me she was ending our friendship because I had no time for her. I wish I'd ended it myself sooner.

Don't feel guilty putting some distance between yourself and anyone who over steps your boundries, and makes you uncomfortable. Do you think she'd behave the same again if you got in touch with her? Maybe give her another chance, and see it goes?

can't you just say that you dont think you're compatible as friends?

joking leave the distance and hopefully she can read the code that you're no longer her friend because that's the truth.

God, it amazes me how people put up with this shit for so long. Sorry but the first time someone text me about my car being parked somewhere and wanting to know what I was up to I’d start to distance myself —probably because I have issues with people being nosey to begin with—

@tigercub50 it's good to be able to see things from the other side, thanks

@wickedlazy sounds like the exact same kind of situation

Thank you @flutteryleaves

@CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry I laughed when I read your reply, and you're right in everything you say :-)

ooh, ive just re-read, wow, messaging if she'd seen your car etc. she just likes you a lot, thinks you've clicked and you need to be clear and firm by sticking to your approach of no messaging and being polite when you see her in september. you've probably broken her heart!