Sad for my dc that Dh’s family are like this?

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Wrote about this before but in a nutshell...
Dh fell out with his sister 6 years ago.
I tried to sort things out between them but it escalated -her attacking us both on social media to other family members nc since.
Mil very much sided with sil.
Examples such as refusing to see our dd on Xmas as sil banned it.
When I was pregnant with ds Dh and I decided to get married finally- mil was furious that we weren’t inviting sil. Mil blamed me shouting at me in front of dd while I was pregnant.
Contact with mil continued after she apologised but she upset me on my wedding day - refusing to speak to me, trying to cause argument with my mother.
I still remained civil.
When ds was born he was very poorly and in and out hospital- one occasion very seriously ill and in for 10 days no contact from mil no visits no offers of help or anything.
Her complete disregard over ds meant I could no longer be civil and I went nc.
This has been the situation for nearly 3 years now and Dh refusing to go to any family events with wider family therefore the some family have never met our dc.
Yest was dh’s Nieces wedding I knew I could not go knowing no one knows the narrative bar what mil and sil have told them.
Dh went on his own which must have been tough as he’s stuggling with anxiety atm.
Not one family member asked why me and kids werent there- they don’t know the truth and it’s hurtful that they must all think I’m at fault.
This situation seems unsustainable my kids still see mil on a fortnightly basis and I go out to avoid her.

I am no contact with my brother and barely with my sister. I have one sister that I stay in touch with and my Mum. I don't feel sad for my DC ...they're not missing out as my brother is dangerous. Think of your DC as lucky they have parents who know how to keep them near healthy and happy people....not near trouble makers.

I think you're letting pride get in the way here. The argument between DH and his sister never should have involved you. Your kids have some sort of relationship with MIL and I wouldn't get in the way of it. Your pride is hurt that no asked after you and doesn't know your "side". People may well just be keeping out of it which is wise really. No good will come of further alienation or dragging more people in. You seem to need to be vindicated.

The initial argument was between your DH and his sister. I know you were trying to help, but it really wasn't your argument. Unfortunately the situation got worse after your involvement.

Did your MIL know your son was ill? Perhaps she had her own problem at the time so she wasn't able to help?

They may not have asked about you yesterday as they were grateful to see your DH and didn't want to cause any arguments.

I’m in a similar situation. It is crap. I feel desperately sad for my D.C. that they don’t have the close family I had so wanted for them.

But I was desperately sad that they didn’t have that relationship when I was in contact with them as the relationship was awful (hence nc).
So it’s a no win, I decided nc was better than the hurt and fog of being caught up in a bad family relationship.

It’s crap as you’ll feel crap whatever. Make sure your dh is looking after himself it’s hard really hard when your stuck with the loyalty (misplaced at times) of it being your own family that are shits.

It’s tough OP.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum and try to avoid her as much as possible- but I don’t take it out on other family members, unless they wade in with their size 9s

An example:

Few months ago it was my Grans 80th birthday. Always been very close to both her and my grandfather (who is no longer with us) and my dads side of the family- ie my aunts, uncles and cousins

Cousin who is same age (literally a couple of weeks between us) tried to get involved in a dispute between me and my mother and I’ve since gone NC because it’s nothing to do with her and she wanted to get involved.

Some may say she had good intentions- and perhaps she did, and we will probably make up one day (and if we she will be told to mind her own business) but it wasn’t her place. Simple as that.

All you can do is make the effort- if you don’t, it does look like your the guilty party. If people want to judge from that then that’s their own choice and that’s when you stop making the effort.

Try not to worry too much. Life is to short for bullshit

As my name says, my mum is the ultimate BITCH. She and DH didn't like that they couldn't control me like they did my siblings and we had a falling out which involved them telling sibs and rest of the family they had 24 hours to decide who they were going to stay in contact with - them or me (they've done this before regarding someone else, so all knew it was absolute and absolutely meant). The lies and stories of why have grown over the years, no one knows the truth as I've been NC for 19 years. My DC know the stories as they are in touch with cousins on FakeBook but don't discuss the situation. They've never met any of their relatives on my side and likely never will. Lesson I've learned - you can't force sanity on the insane. I would (obviously as I did) go full NC. Sorry for your situation - family can not only be hard, it can be insane.

Stop caring what these people think of you. You can’t control if they choose to believe the BS. If they liked or cared about you they would have reached out. But they didn’t.

It’s no loss not having these folk in your lives. Focus on your family unit

The argument was between brother and sister, spouses shouldn't get involved and you made it worse.

You then excluded your SIL from the wedding rather than offer an olive branch and seemed surprised when MIL didn't turn up to offer free childcare and household duties.

There's fault on both sides yet you are intent on blaming every one else.

Dh excluded her not me I tried to get him to change his mind he would not.
Mil was informed the day ds was taken into hospital suspected sepsis and no more was heard from her until Dh rang her to say he’d been discharged. She didn’t text or call to check in the meantime. During that time I had strangers saying prayers for ds sending get well cards etc- my nan’s ndn etc and his own grandmother didn’t check in how he was doing.

Last post, my DD was given a 50/50 chance of living past 6 months (she is fine). Mum said she hoped she died as an "object lesson" to me. again my mantra: "There is no making the insane sane".

That is beyond disgusting son I’m so sorry- I hope your dd is ok now 💐

Your DH seems to be getting treated more kindly in this than you. You're copping more of the flack which is probably not surprising as you're the 'outsider' but still seems harsh to deal with. Why are you going out to avoid your MIL? If you're ok with her seeing the kids that's one thing, but you shouldn't have to leave your house for that and your DH should back you up on that.

I’m so sad that my kids will always have that family in their lives if me and Dh ever split they’d still see mil.

Why 2 separate threads?

I needed some insight and no one answering other one I tried to shorten the op but ended up posting same one again