To be upset about this -In Law issues continue

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Wrote about this before but in a nutshell...
Been with Dh 18 years. We had first child 6 years ago and that’s when Dh’s Relationship with his dsis broke down. She was upset with him
Over lack of support because he was busy with dd and he was upset over her lack of interest.
I tried to sort things out between them but it escalated into her attacking us both on social media to other family members.
They’ve been nc since.
Mil very much sided with sil.
Examples such as refusing to see our dd on Xmas as sil banned it.
When I was pregnant with ds Dh and I decided to get married finally- mil was furious that we weren’t inviting sil- I had argued with Dh to just invite her but he would not. Mil blamed me and this resulted in her shouting at me in front of dd while I was pregnant.
Contact with mil continued after she apologised but she went out of her way to upset me on my wedding day - refusing to speak to me, trying to cause argument with my mother.
I still remained civil.
When ds was born he was very poorly and in and out hospital a few times- one occasion very seriously ill and things didn’t look good he was in hosp for nearly 10 days no contact from mil no visits no offers of help or anything- at this point I had people I barely knew offering us help.
Her complete disregard over ds meant I could no longer be civil and I went nc.
This has been the situation for nearly 3 years now and Dh refusing to go to any family events with wider family as it would be too awkward therefore the wider family who have no visited us have never met our dc.
Yest was dh’s Nieces wedding I knew I could not go knowing no one knows the narrative bar what mil and sil have told them.
Dh went on his own which must have been tough as he’s stuggling with anxiety atm.
Not one family member asked why me and kids werent there- they don’t know the truth and it’s hurtful that they must all think I’m at fault.
This situation seems unsustainable my kids still see mil on a fortnightly basis and I go out to avoid her this is all ridiculous isn’t it? I’m so sad we’ll never have a normal family

Ridiculously long apologises and thank you anyone who makes it through the essay!

Anyone?

This sounds really difficult, I'm sorry you are going through it. Ultimately I think this is not something you can fix by yourself, your DH is the one who needs to act, or not...this is about his relationship with his family. It is a shame they seem to want to put you as a scapegoat but thats a red herring to the real issues here...

I think he needs to act and has needed to well before now but he’s not strong enough mentally to do it and think it suited him yest me not being there and it suits the rest of the family.

I am just posting to say I know how you feel and it's really tough. I don't know how to suggest you fix it. I think to some extent you just have to let go what the rest of the family thinks about you and just do what you and your dh feel is best and kindest for your immediate family. I think it is important to forgive and move on but also to protect yourselves from being hurt/mistreated by them in the future.

Having sought advice we have agreed boundaries between us where the 'problematic ' members if our family are and we stick to them. I have also finally learned not to let them upset me as much now although this is still difficult. I just have to let it go rather than dwelling on it.

I hope you can sort things out so you are happier.

I don't understand why he went on his own, or at all.

He is allowing them to scapegoat you. He caused an issue at his own Wedding, by not inviting SIL, them socialises with her.

Thank you both.
cats how long has your situation been going on? Does it get easier?
birds i supported Dh’s decision to go he was very close to his dn when she was younger. He ignored his sister but socialised with everyone else. He obviously still sees his mum.
I felt unable to go as his sis and Mum are unpredictable and as I haven’t seen rest of family in years I didn’t have the strength to be perfectly honest.
I was surprised at my reaction on Dh’s return but it felt like me and the kids had not been acknowledged and had been forgotten.
I think I was hopeful someone would ask why we weren’t there and Dh would tell them what’s happened obviously they only have mil version of events and I doubt they include her shouting at a pregnant woman or ignoring her seriously ill grandchild.

I don’t want them to see me as the ‘bad guy’

Sorry, I missed your question OP. It has been going on for over two years but especially awful for about 14 months.

It gets easier to deal with but the sporadic attempts to manipulate us into giving in are stressful. The thought of those involved can make my stomach turn over and heart race.

One rule I am strict on is that they are not allowed in my home. I need a safe space away from it and I will not allow people who have treated me like that into my home.

Stop enabling your mil by leaving your own home for her to see your dc! Your dh should be sticking up for you, not allowing her to come round and shove you out. He needs to step up and support you.