How do I stop feeling guilty?

[Whereisme]

I have 3 lovely sons (11, 8 and 8) who are mostly well behaved. However, when I discipline them I feel really guilty, especially when I see their faces. I know it sounds pathetic, but I struggle to tell them off properly. There are certain areas of discipline that I would like to work on, and be more effective rather than me telling them off and feeling guilty and nothing really changing. I also feel for them when other people, like my Mum, tell them off even when it is completely justified! How do I get over this?!

Anyone?

You want to bring them up be kind, considerate, independent, thoughtful, resourceful people and that means they need clear boundaries, to respect you, be (mostly) nice to each other, and cope with the occasional no.

How you deal with issues depends on what they are I think. One child smacks another then it’s your job to step in if it’s going to escalate and you’d be doing a disservice to the smacked child to not address it with the smacker. Would you feel bad about doing that? What’s going on that’s bothering you do you think?

Because by disciplining them, you are doing them a favour.

The world isn’t a bed of roses and I think we, as parents, have to prepare them to go out in it. You don’t want them weeing their pants when someone eventually shouts at them

You want them to grow up into nice, well adjusted adults, who understand consequences, boundaries, compromise and are able to perspective take and see how their behaviour affects others. I work in the criminal justice service and see a lot of adults who never learned those things and or affects how they behave as adults, tell yourself you don't want them to end up there.

I thought o remembered you from another thread OP and so checked your history.

You have been concerned about your parenting and your boys behaviour since 2013. Numerous threads about it.

Given this anxiety has gone for so many years and that you are worried about your boys behaviour, do you think it might be a good idea to seek some professional guidance? Perhaps your GP a good starting point

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify I do discipline them and give them clear boundaries, but I do find it hard.

The comment about my parenting and the boys behaviour surprised me so I looked back and there were about 6 posts over 6 years so not loads. However, I do accept that there seems to be a running theme of parental guilt! If you saw me in real life you would have no idea that I thought like this as I appear confident and relaxed in my parenting! I am very good at hiding it which is why I post about my parenting on here. I do suffer from anxiety and have seen my GP about this and it’s being addressed.

Thanks again.

OP, I could have written this myself. I discipline the kids because it is part of parenting and would be chaos if I didn't, but once they go to bed I agonise over every decision I made and question myself. Was I too hard? Did they really deserve that punishment? How could I have prevented the situation etc.... It's not that I can't discipline, it's that I hate doing it and don't trust my own judgement. At the time I get on with things but after I feel guilty and worry. I also, and I know this sounds pathetic, worry that when they are older they will only remember the discipline and not all the good stuff, which I know is silly but I can't help myself!

Thanks Specky12, you’ve explained it more clearly than I did in my original post! Also glad to hear that it’s not just me. I agree that it would be absolute chaos if I didn’t discipline them! I also tell myself that it’s better that I’m doing it, rather than their teachers for example - saying that they never get told off at school! They must save it all for me! 😑

Why on earth do you feel guilty? It's your job as a parent. If you let bad behaviour go with no consequences, it's not good parenting. Children need to learn that bad behaviour leads to unpleasant consequences. That's just how life is. So what if they make sad faces? Their faces are going to be a hell of a lot sadder if they turn into unsocialised adults who cannot control their impulses and end up alienating people around them. Your job as a parent is not to be 'nice'. It's to provide loving but firm, authoritative and clear guidance. Stop doubting yourself. Children smell fear. :) Even if you doubt yourself, pretend hard that you do not. This will provide your children with psychological comfort as they will know what you expect from you and will also know where the boundaries are, even if these boundaries may not be perfectly fair. It's better to have slightly unjust but firm boundaries than no boundaries at all.

Is it discpline per se that you are feeling guilty about, or the type of discipline?
Have you looked at natural consequences?
www.positivediscipline.com/articles/natural-consequences

You’re right. I do need to stop doubting myself!

Thanks for the link. I’ll have a look.

Hi there, I have two boys similar ages and also feel guilty and anxious at times. Something which helped me was a parenting course which mentioned about talking about the behaviour not the child, so just focusing on what the problem is and how to change it, rather than just sort of telling them off. This helped me a bit. I try and really praise them and give them lots of hugs as well, which helps too! Focusing on the good.

I could have written your post OP. In fact I have starters a similar ish thread tonight about how to control children!!

I absolutely hate disciplining my children. It is one of the worst bits of parenting. I want them to have a fun happy childhood and grow up confident. I struggle most with the fact that I want them to be able to challenge rules and authority where necessary.

When they are sad it is horrible. I also have one DC who is much more challenging than the other. To effectively discipline here feels very unfair as she would miss out on stuff that eldest DC gets.

I totally want to be a nice mum and a friend to my DC and I know that is where I go wrong. I have friends with very well behaved kids but they seem to achieve that by picking on every little thing and stifling them.

I doubt myself all the time. Where is the rule book ?

OP children need discipline.

I have 3 siblings, our DM hated discipline and let us get away with whatever we wanted. However, we all say that we would have loved discipline. I really wish she told us off, I know that sounds stupid but I feel like it has made my life more difficult.

For example, we didn't have to go to school and when I first started working I struggled, because I had to go. I called in sick all the time because I couldn't be bothered and it took me ages to get out of that mindset.

Disciplining is good for them, you aren't hitting them but yu are setting them up to be decent adults who contribute well to society.