To ask my Grandmother to not come over unannounced...

[SJ27290]

I am due baby #3 really soon and feeling really very stressed and anxious about an ‘unwelcome’ visitor. I’ve worried over this for years & years but it’s got worse since I was pregnant and its occupying my mind for hours a day at this point which I know is not normal or good for me being pregnant.

I’m worried about my grandmother turning up unannounced. She is a very ‘difficult’ character. Bitter old lady kind of thing. She had a huge falling out with my parents about 10 years ago and they have no relationship at all. My dad does not discuss it with me and its a hugely awkward thing that I still see her, I feel very guilty... but I don’t like to fall out with anyone and don’t want to set that example to my children. I dread my kids saying her name in front of my parents, I spend many hrs a week panicking that she will turn up at my house when my parents are there (they live round the corner and we are really close). My grandmother can be a bit spiteful… a few weeks ago I called her to arrange a visit for the following week and said I would bring my kids over to see her that Wednesday. It was my sons birthday on the Sunday before. I dropped massive hints during the convo like ‘it saves you coming over and we have plans at the weekend so won’t be here anyway if you come’ etc. She turned up anyway on the Sunday morning, without a message or call, walked in without knocking, and luckily my parents weren’t there but I was so panicked that they would pop over at the same time... I think she knows I worry over it, but she does it anyway which I don’t understand, if she cared about me why would she put me in the middle like that? I think she kind of thrives on the possibility of a confrontation, she always tries to stir up trouble by asking if my parents are ‘better grandparents than they were parents’ (my parents were brilliant with us and my kids!) and asking about my relationship with my husband. Basically she’s a bit of a toxic person but I’m not willing to fall out with her so there we go, I put up with her. How do I deal with a person like this? If I say directly ‘please let me know if you plan to come over in case my parents are here’ then she will use that as ammunition against my parents and I don’t want that for them, its not fair.

How do I deal with her?! AIBU to ask her to stay away unless we have a visit arranged? help me!

sounds very stressful, and she doesn't sound pleasent at all, I suppose if your parents know you see her, they may expect to bump into her at your house one day, so I'd try and stop worrying about that until it happens if possible.
don't really have any advice on how to deal with her randomly turning up, she seems to enjoy winding everyone up, hope you get some helpful advice x

How did she walk in? Was your door not locked?

Are you a grown up?
If your nan turns up when your parents are there who cares? You're allowed to be in touch with whoever you want. I'm sure your parents/nan could either leave or be civil.

Agree with sugar.
You are an adult and should be managing your own relationships with people. Don’t know why you keep a relationship with her though if she brings nothing to your life. Sounds like you don’t even like her. Your setting a Bad example for your kids.

You know she walks all over you and has you walking on eggshells. Don't kid yourself this is a good example to set to your children.

Presumably you're only still on good terms because she does exactly as she pleases and you don't say anything (but spend hours worrying about it)

Lock you door. Pre empt her, does she have usual/favourite times to drop round? If so, call & say you are busy on that day but can do such and such a day. No point hinting BTW,or negotiating: that just means they strop or nag to wear you down. Difficult people need it spelling out, firmly, IME of an NPD mother. Good luck.

Just be firm with her OP. You have your parents not getting on with her as an excuse atleast. Just tell her that she HAS to ring you in advance before she comes round, encase you are out, encase your parents are round etc.

Why would your parents care if she puts it on them? If they’re not in contact with her, it makes no difference to them. If you had a fabulous childhood, and think your parents are great, I’m wondering why you think you have a better picture of your grandmother than they do?

Would you change your mind if I said having your children around someone like that is really bad parenting, because it might be. If they see how she behaves, and you’re complicit in that behaviour, what do you think that teaches them?

I don't think my parents would care if she put the blame on them... well they wouldn't know about it unless I told them which I wouldn't obviously. I would care though because I feel protective of them. There is more to the story than I have expressed here but I didn't want to go on more than I already have... As a teenager I would have the usual rows with my parents and storm off to her house. She made it really easy for me to stay as long as I liked and while I didn't realise it was planting seeds about them being 'abusive' (they absolutely weren't!). She actually encouraged me to move there, which I did for a few months before going off to university. Never encouraged me to go home or patch things up. At the time I thought she was doing it to help and wanted the best for me. This was the catalyst to my parents falling out with her which now I am a parent myself I can totally understand, at the time I didn't though. It's a big regret of mine that I moved in in the first place, I was just a selfish entitled brat! My husband reminds me I was not an adult though and not to be too hard on myself for things I did when I was 16/17. Fundamentally my loyalties lie with my parents but I don't want to fall out with anyone, as she has influence over the rest of the extended family and I value my relationships with them too, as well as my children's relationships with them. I feel somewhat indebted to her, she sometimes randomly buys me extravagant things like a bugaboo pram which I really didn't want to accept so she had it delivered to my husband. I had a complete breakdown yesterday (39 weeks pregnant and hormones raging) and in the end came to the realisation that I need to grow up and take control of the situation, and just unapologetically tell her why she can't just turn up. If she continues to do it I need to get a bit firmer with her. She plays the victim and claims no responsibility for the fall out but I can't go on like this so time to put my big girl pants on!

I really feel for you OP, you've been badly put in the middle here. I don't think it's as easy as PPs suggest to just cut people out of your life and I also understand why you want a relationship with your GM despite her being difficult.

I would try being honest with her. Say something like 'I have no interest in getting involved in the dispute between you and my parents and I'm not taking sides, but for my own wellbeing when I have a new baby I want to be sure I'm not going to be put in a difficult situation by having any of you turn up unannounced. So the rule is that any visitors have to call ahead and ask when they can visit. I don't want to discuss this any further or head anything about my parents.'

She may well strop and rage - just refuse to discuss it. Tell her you don't think it's fair for her to put you in the middle of her fight, and hang up the phone.

In a way, you have the power here - she is unlikely to risk cutting off the family she does have left.

Good luck - I really hope it works out for you

I'm sorry that you got to the point of a meltdown, pregnancy can often be a prompt for us to did what we actually need to/ want to do, and I'm glad that you have a plan.

The background certainly helps to explain how you got to this stage, she has obviously been manipulating your family for a very long time. I'd be surprised if the extended family don't experience it too, and as an adult (with big girl pants on!), you are perfectly capable of fostering separate relationships with others.

It would be naive to say "just break contact", as if it's that easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't the best course of action. The constant anxiety is surely sign that, deep down, her presence is not the right thing for you or your family?

Good luck, and I hope you get to enjoy the first few weeks with this baby.

Is it possible she wants to make up with your parents? Hence her coming round, does she want to see them there. 10 years is a long time of 'regrets and what ifs'

Other than bolting the door tonstopnher coming in. The only other thing you can say is - you know Mum and Dad come here, if you just turn up when the are visiting, I will not put up with anything negative in my home. Its not my argument. I won't have it in front of my family' then perhaps suggest she calls.

Tricky one OP. Good luck

OP you're trying to play a game that you will never be able to win, and tying yourself in knots trying.

We're NC with my PILs. I resisted this for so long because I felt I didn't want to set that example for my children/deprive them of a set of GP because of the adults issues. In the end we realised that they brought nothing good, they were toxic and would actually have a negative influence on my children. We were also concerned that going NC would result in us not seeing other family members but in reality we have a much closer relationship with all of them now as we are no longer all being manipulated by my ILs.

If you're really set on still seeing her, tell her clearly that she must only visit at prearranged times, just don't be surprised if she doesn't listen

I never understand people not wanting to 'fall out' with people who are clearly not bringing anything positive into their lives - look at how upset you are getting over your GM's actions. I also don't understand why you would want such a negative and manipulative person - a 'bitter old lady' and 'spiteful' you say - in your DC's lives. If she turns up unannounced then turn her away! My ILs used to do this, despite us repeatedly asking them to ring first. They just kept on doing it … until I stopped letting them in. They went off in a huff, but that was their choice. Their actions - turning up unannounced - had led to them being cross, not mine. Your GM has had many years to hone her emotional control over you, so don't blame yourself if you are struggling to break it. The extravagant gifts are another way of controlling you: if it happens again you really need to send the gift back. You should also try and be more direct - rather than saying 'oh we're busy on Sunday', etc you need to say 'don't come'. What's the worst thing that could happen? She gets angry and stays away? Would that be so bad?