Being treated like a child

[OrgyOfBarminess]

Having problems with family and have been for a long time and it ended with me telling them to bog off.

My dad will not discuss an issue with me directly, he keeps discussing behind my back with my sister, grandma and pretty much anyone else who will listen who then come and tell me which is really bringing me down.

For context this has been the case all my life, our relationship has alway being difficult and I moved out when I was 16 to live with my sister who is 5 years older.

I have been through therapy recently and become much more assertive and have approached everyone involved directly and basically said can you not discuss this issue it's my business. I've also approached my dad who is still refusing to discuss as I'm pregnant and says it will cause me too much distress.

Wtf do I do!? Im due any day and I'm so tired of being treated like a child I'm almost 30. It's causing me more upset not discussing the elephant in the room 😡

What issue are they discussing? Your pregnancy? Regardless of the subject, why are you still listening? Let them talk all they want. They can't influence your life unless you let them.

I've chosen to cut contact with my dads wife, it's a longstanding issue that came to ahead at Christmas this year. He is still welcome to visit my DS at our home but I've made it explicitly clear that she is no longer welcome. He's been 4 times in 8 months.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable but it's my choice who I let into my family, without going into too much detail as it will out me, this is not some petty dispute, I've tried really hard with her over the years and I thought our relationship was going well after difficulties however she treats me and sister differently we r not included in her family gatherings, my kids are excluded by her, she has laughed and smirked when I've gone to them with troubles like she takes pleasure in seeing me suffer. I've tried really hard because I don't see my mum and now I fell like I've lost my dad too because he cannot see her for what she is.

You can't change your dad's ways, so I guess the only option left is to ignore it, and go over your own behaviour so you're not inadvertently slipping back and regressing into some sort of a teenager-behaviour when you're visiting your parents at their place.

I used to visit my dad and step mum a lot however I was never offered a drink but they expect me to make drinks for them and myself and don't get off the sofa, they stared blankly at the tv when I was there, took no interest in my DS playing or talking to them so I gradually stopped going because I felt like we were being a nuisance and they didn't want me there. My dad would pretend to be asleep and even when I tried to talk about regular stuff ( it's not like I was going round going on about myself all the time or something) i felt conversation was one sided.

My step brother and his wife on the other hand are there all the time they're kids are there most weekends and if they don't go step mum badgers step brother and his wife and guilt trips them into going round.

We ended up moving away (only 10 mins by car) as we didn't like the area we were living in, we had no garden and DS was due to start school and the schools where we've now are better, when they visit here they don't stay long and are very similar to how they are at home, behave like they're not interested and I try so hard to make them comfortable, I always offer drinks/ biscuits etc and make conversation, suggest games to play with DS and it just seems so forced like they'd rather be somewhere else.

You're making your father choose between you and his wife. You've told people what they can and can't talk about. Are you surprised that they 'act' like you're hard work?

I suppose it's difficult to explain properly so that's the way I'm coming across.

She's refusing to apologise for organising my dads 60th not including me or my sister and inviting her other son who has been convicted of a fairly disgusting crime, he was released a while ago and is treated as though he did nothing wrong.

I do not want to associate with him so politely declined to attend the party which would of meant sitting at a table with him and my DS which makes me feel physically sick. I didn't however make the issue about him I just said it wasn't convenient and so did my sister so not to cause an argument as it was being organised via group chat on Facebook on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to cause upset at Christmas and thought I could speak to her privately to resolve at a later date but she went ahead organising with her family then a week later went crying to my dad saying me and my sister had been horrible to her and had spoilt the party.

My dad does not respect my wishes about not wanting contact with a ex con and has told me to 'get over it' basically because it makes his life difficult

So you also made your step mother chose between you and her own son.

The "ex-con" have you seen too many films? makes you feel physically sick? Really?

You were invited but you lied and declined the invitation. You seem upset that your father's wife organised his party.

You sound overly-dramatic and very hard work. You seem to make every situation about you.

She told everyone he didn't want a party for months, she didn't involve me and my sister in any of the planning and didn't even invite his mum or any of his side of the family. It was just her and her three sons families and us.

I turned down her suggestion because it didn't work for us either DS had only just gone 4 she wanted us to get a sitter on a Monday to go for a meal, we've never left him with anyone but her and my sister and he had nursery the day after the meal was going to be booked for 7-8pm so we couldn't take him. My DH would have been working which she knew so I declined and said all of the above.

I can't say what he did but it's bad enough for me not to want my child in the same room as him.

We were not spending Christmas with them because she did not invite us they were spending the day with all her children and families, we got an hour in the morning with my dad and her which was reasonable and I didn't want that spoiling.

If your step-brother's conviction was for sexual offences, I would not want to be in the same room or have my child associate with him either.

From what you've said it sounds like the son was convicted of sexual offences (against a child?) and I don't blame you for wanting to keep your son away in the circumstances.

It's hard to understand exactly what the issue is from your post but I get that these things can be very difficult to explain - you know yourself if her behaviour is pushing you out and excluding you. I think all you can do is keep trying to open the channels of communication with your dad and pull him up when he refuses to discuss things directly with you.

I don't really want to say however he only had a minimal junior sentence and half of the shit that went down was not properly investigated so he got off very lightly.

Everyone where we lived knew what he did as he lived with us at the time and it caused a lot of upset for our family as a whole.

My other younger step brother and I ( who do get on well) were bullied throughout our teenage years because of it. We luckily didn't have to have contact with him during this time but my relationship hit a really rocky patch with step mum mostly due to my hormones and general teenage shittyness and I moved out.

We reconciled when I was 21 and my dad remarried. I attended there wedding along with ALL her children but this was only because I didn't want to ruin their day, I was happy for them and we'd worked so hard to reconnect. I believe because I attended it gave way to them thinking I was ok with being in the same room however I have told them both I'm not!

There is so much resentment coming through.

Forgiveness and understanding is going to be required here or the future is going to be as hard as the past if you continue as you are.

They are unlikely to change so think about what you can do to improve things?

Re the offender - it looks like he has been forgiven by the family. Consider doing the same or at least accepting he exists. Just be civil to him and keep your son safe around him.

If nothing changes then nothing will change

My main issue is

She still has made no effort to discuss the issues we had or apologise for lying about me and my sister being horrible to her, she said we'd messaged her but She has no evidence of this, funny that because it never bloody happened 🙄

Dad had buried his head in the sand won't discuss with me but will with every other person in the family.

I will not budge, people's lives have been ruined, I'm worried my children will be taken to things with him there without my consent and my DH agrees he does not want his children near him. I can't go against his wishes especially when I agree also despite it being my dad. Like I agree I cannot make my dad stop his wife having involvement with her son.

Why not extend an invite to her? Tell her you want to discuss things and move on.....

I'm not inclined to speak to her because she's continually lied to my dad, they've both let this go on for months on end, she doesn't make me feel welcome in her home and I'm pretty sure she's done this on purpose so that she can do whatever she likes.

I guess it's easier for her to push me out of the family because everyone else seems to think all is forgiven. I think he's a safeguarding issue around my kids we're not going to agree.

Honestly, I'm weary just reading this. Why are you bothering to try to resolve things? You're being given a message loud and clear - her son is the most important person in this clusterfuck. You either have to accept that or just meet your dad now and again elsewhere. That's the option I'd go for.

Why are you not speaking to your mother? There seems to be a lot of drama...

My mum hasn't been involved in my life since I was 11 she has MH issues that she has difficulty managing and goes between being sectioned regularly and trying to keep herself on an even keel. She is violent and has been to my dad, my sister and myself when ill and has had involvement from the police on numerous occasions. My maternal grandma keeps her updated about what me and my sister are up to but she's not able to manage a 'normal' mother daughter relationship.

When she found out I was pregnant she said I wouldn't be able to cope and that I terminate the pregnancy because 'kids ruin your life and mean you can't do what you want to do'. She advised me to get a dog instead 😳

Hence why I've had to undergo therapy.

I honestly don't understand why she owes you an apology for having a party you were invited to but declined? Seems like a whole lot of drama on your side as well.
You've made choices. As has she. Noone has the moral high ground here but I feel that you believe you do. You don't. It is what it is and you either need to discuss or not discuss but definitely move on.