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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would word a wedding invite.. Kids, small affair.

53 replies

INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 27/07/2018 21:22

OK so we had booked wedding end of next yr. And wanted it small. Everyone butted on with a load of ideas and I kept agreeing. ( don't ask), Thinking ah yeah that be good. Or yeah why not. Etc

Anyway the more I think of it I don't want the big reception, sweet carts, djs etc etc.

My reasons for this is my MH.. In particular anxiety is thro the roof at the moment and the though of having to arrange all that is just.. Bleugh! Not mentioning being centre of attention all day...
I don't want to stretch finances into any form of debt just to please others and we don't have tonnes of money either.

So anyway. We're thinking maybe something smaller. But had obviously discussed things with people.. We're also looking at bringing it forward, depending on dates available

So in my ideal World..
Registry office
Maybe 50 people ( big immediate family)
Meal after.

Wanted to put a message in invites.. That would state and apologise that it now would be Immediate family children only... Feel free to join for a meal at ( place)
( we obviously can't pay for everyone for a three course meal but would pay the bar tab?)

This would massively take the stress off me.. Low key affair.. Not having to have a proper dress.. Id get something nice in Debenhams or somewhere (I've only ever worn one dress before so this in itself puts fear in me.)
Dp and ds can wear nice trousers and shirt.. No need for suits. Dds nice dresses again maybe somewhere like Debenhams

OP posts:
sleepingdragon · 27/07/2018 21:56

Could you just have a party in the pub, with a buffet even? It doesn't have to be fancy, and you only need to wear a special dress if you want too. It's your day, do what makes you and your partner happy. You don't need to do anything(speeches, table decs) just because it's traditional.

Lonesurvivor · 27/07/2018 22:01

we are very plain, simple living people who like to have fun

Just throw that in and people will know what to expect. It will probably be a huge relief to most people. Formal weddings can be a lot of pressure.

Original poster
INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 27/07/2018 22:03

Perfect thank you for all your help!

OP posts:
grumpy4squash · 27/07/2018 22:05

Catering etc was being done as a gift from a friend

Seriously? They are providing all the food for your wedding? As a gift?

Sorry to sound incredulous, but this would often cost a thousand or more, even for a party of 50.

Freshfeelings · 27/07/2018 22:05

I think it'll be fine - do whatever you like and manage expectations (including your own - not everyone will come if their kids are not invited). Have a lovely day.

kaytee87 · 27/07/2018 22:09

Surely you just put the names of who's invited on the invites, so don't put the kids names? We didn't have any issues with friends being annoyed their kids weren't invited to ours and no one misunderstood and brought them.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 27/07/2018 22:10

Another poster on here recently is planning to have afternoon tea as her wedding meal, again for a limited number. I thought it sounded lovely! Would that feel less stressful?

Original poster
INeedMoreCakeInMyLife · 27/07/2018 22:14

Yes.. We do them a lot of favours so they are providing the venue. Then dp is doing them a massive favour end of this year so they are doing to food from pub kitchen.. Buffet. Sausage rolls, sarnies etc etc nothing fancy

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 27/07/2018 22:15

I think you should have the wedding however you want it.
It's fine to tell people that you will be celebrating at a pub or restaurant and they are welcome to join you but you won't be laying on any food.
If they can't afford a meal they don't have to come. It's an invitation, not a summons.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 27/07/2018 22:15

Op, don't have a wedding you don't want.
I would say strip it back and keep it simple
Register office for nearest and dearest
Keep the pub venue, pay for food not booze apart from a toast.
Forget favours, sweet carts, all the unneccessary nonsense.

katseyes7 · 27/07/2018 22:18

When Mr C and l had our pagan handfasting, we didn't tell anyone. We got 'married' at sundown on New Years Eve, it was lovely and very personal.
We didn't actually tell anyone til a week or so later. lt was what we wanted, and it was perfect for us. lt's YOUR day. Don't get yourself into debt for other people.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/07/2018 22:19

When my friends got married and they didn't have a lot, they got married themselves which you and dp and kids could do (just a couple of witnesses needed). They didn't say in advance and then just announced that they'd done it and invited everyone to a party a few weeks later. They hired the local hall and everyone brought something towards the buffet (sandwiches/sausage rolls/pizza etc) and they supplied a cake (just a big cake, not a "wedding cake") and a few crates of beers and bottles of wine and bottle of lemonade etc and just had a big stereo and mix tape for the music. best wedding ever. people wont be upset or bothered about table-clothes and bows and balloons etc. They'll be happy for you and if they aren't then they aren't people you need to care about.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 27/07/2018 22:19

A bar tab for 50 people would probably be more than the food!!!!!!!!!

I'd go abroad and see who comes, they pay for themselves you just cover the wedding meal

rebelrosie12 · 27/07/2018 22:23

Definitely have a really small wedding with close family and then a big party, pay for finger food (hotdogs, or pizza or buffet etc) and they pay for their own drinks.

Imo you can't make wedding guests pay for their own food.

ColouringPencils · 27/07/2018 22:28

I am with you on not liking fuss. Our wedding wasn't small, but I didn't really want any of the extra bits. The venue already had a vintage style, so I didn't do table decorations or favours. I got flowers for myself and the bridesmaids, that's all. My dress was from Debenhams and my mum paid for the bridesmaids to each buy their own dress in the same colour, so they all picked something they liked. We did our own photos. The cake and invitations were made by people in the family. It was a very happy day.

keyboardkate · 27/07/2018 22:31

I wouldn't even bother with a post (tiny) wedding party. That will cost more than the tiny wedding!

The whole idea is to keep it simple surely?

Best wishes anyway however it works out. But stick to your guns!

Drknittingfrog · 27/07/2018 22:45

You don't have to do anything "expected" if it does not feel right to you... So brief your MOH and best man beforehand to keep the party going in a way that works for you (like not being put on the spotlight if you don't feel like it) You will have a great time op ... All the best!

81Byerley · 27/07/2018 22:47

My daughter got married in the woods...public woods. My husband, her stepdad, performed the ceremony, (A traditional hand fasting) I did a reading. Food was sandwiches individually wrapped in brown paper and tied with string. There was a huge basket of apples, and three of us made cup cakes. There were about 60 people, who brought picnic chairs and rugs. The children had a great time playing together. This is what they regard as their "real" wedding. Four months later they made it legal in a register office with parents and siblings, plus partners and children. We each took our own picnics and celebrated in a local park/garden. Very cheap, very relaxed, no stress.

Ceecee18 · 27/07/2018 22:50

A friend of mine did this OP. Registry office wedding with about 40 guests, we all went to a local pub after where they had hired out a separate area. Everyone paid for their own food and drinks and friend gave out wedding cake. They had been together ages, didn't want a big fuss and couldn't really afford to. No one complained about having to pay for their own food, we were all happy to. It was a really nice day.

IceCreamFace · 27/07/2018 22:52

If it was me I wouldn't mind at all. I only bring DC to family weddings anyway. I assume friends would rather not pay extortionate prices for my child to eat a meal and I'd rather be able to relax and catch up with old friends without entertaining children who would be having more fun with Grandma anyway.

PolkaHots · 27/07/2018 22:53

Just get married then have the do in the pub. Ditch the sweet cart as it sounds like the only reason you’re having it is that it’s cheap. Don’t apologise in the invites, sets a bad tone.

MaisyPops · 27/07/2018 22:58

Get married, have the affordable do in the pub with your friends doing the catering.

I would hate a wedding where i was expected to buy my own meal.

Keep it low key and have what you want. Who needs a sweet tray anyway? It seems a massive waste of money (but then I'm lile you and hate a lot of wedding gimmicks. I have friends who find them cute so each to their own)

Saracen · 28/07/2018 00:18

Even 50 is a lot of people. Some of the things you are dreading, like being centre of attention, will still be a problem with 50 guests. And if you invite 50, the ones you're uninviting may well feel that they should have been invited too.

Can you not just elope? Or go to the registry office with literally just your parents and your partner's parents?

Saracen · 28/07/2018 00:26

By the way, if you feel awkward about changing the plan, here's what my SIL did:

  1. Tell everyone the wedding is off. (Or you could say on hold indefinitely, which comes to the same thing.) Nobody will criticise - they will assume you are having problems of some sort.
  2. At some later point, have a tiny informal wedding. Everyone was so relieved that the couple were still happy together after all, that nobody was disappointed that the big do never happened.
123fushia · 28/07/2018 00:38

My niece recently got married - big families on both sides, but she made it clear a year ago that she didn’t want a big wedding - 20 people at the most. They booked a country hotel, had a small ceremony, and then a meal afterwards. Bride and groom stood to introduce each person invited. Lovely meal and then they all departed. Registrar said it had been the happiest and most relaxed wedding she had ever done. I didn’t go, neither did my sisters, but our mum went and thought it was just beautiful. Go for what you want...those who love you will be fine! Xxx