Grandmother favouritism

[Mummyof3monkeys90]

Ok so I have 2 children with my partner 4 & 1. MIL has her other grandchild every weekend thursday-sunday, and rarely comes to see our 2 children.
Last week she announced that she's having the other grandchild from the Thursday right up to the following Sunday (11 days) and the same a fortnight after. Now I should add the other grandchilds father lives at the address but MIL looks after the child 80% of the time as he doesn't leave his bedroom often and MIL is the one who makes all arrangements.

Last week my eldest child from a previous relationship had an appointment at the hospital and id asked for my eldest of my two younger ones to stay the night which she did and she agreed to come and look after my 1 year old when dh went to work. however I was earlier than expected so.i offered if she would like to have my daughter an extra night as she doesnt stay often to which I was told I will ask her (She didn't sound overly happy on the phone when I said it) and we left it at that. Anyway within the hour my daughter was back and told me MIL hadn't asked her if she wanted to stay. MIL then rushed back after spending 5 minutes with my 1 year old because she needed to get back to other grandchild.

This has been on going for years. We cannot have a conversation about our children to MIL without it being in someway turned back to her other grandchild.

Don't get me wrong I love the other grandchild to pieces and so do my children but the favouritism has gotten to the point I tend to keep conversations to a minimum because my children's lives just don't seem important to her. We even invited her to our daughter's sports day ... she made every excuse 2 days beforehand but was talking to other grandchild s father in my house about making sure they sort something out to both attend other grandchilds sports day the following day 😠

Myself and dh have both now bitten at her about it after years of asking her to see our children weekly and to treat them equal ... she has made no effort since.

AIBU to just leave her to it. My daughter only has enjoyed staying at MIL when the other grandchild is not there although they are like best friends. She crys for me when the other grandchild is there and is always bought home.

It’s annoying but I think it’s fairly standard. I have siblings with children and my DM certainly has her favourite child which means her favourite GC.

They can do no wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

My other sibling used to tease me for being jealous until they had children who were pushed aside for the favourites... they’ll always be the golden kids.

But didn't you say the child's father lives there? So, n fact, the child is there 50% of the time in terms of shared residency ?

It sounds more like she's trying to facilitate contact with the father.

She's just not bothered at all. Since we bought it up she's not contacted us at all. I know this sort of thing happens a lot but it really concerns me that dd only crys when other gc is there

Where's the other DC's mother in all of this? Does she need support in some way? It seems like MIL is going above and beyond in looking after the other children. I bet she's knackered!

I can understand however why you'd feel sore about the amount of time she spends with your dc though.

Yeah he lives there but he doesn't do a great lot with gc at all. I understand she wants him to see his child but a lot of the time she takes gc out or does stuff with them as the father sits in front of a computer screen all day every day. When he spends time with gc he jut sits gc in front of the telly or gets gc to play on his floor. This has been going on long before he moved back in with MIL. He's just kinda there now. MIL often spent full days 7am-7pm at gc house too but has never done that for us

Your MIL see GC as her DC from what you've written. It hurts like hell when there is favouritism but my best advice is stop making the effort and focus on friendships etc

In all honestly gc mother i believe is a good mum although MIL often bitches about her and her partner to us. That's been the same since I've known her. She works at weekends and gc father looked after gc at gc house until MIL offered to have he weekends. Gc mother may not be perfect but she isn't one of these that goes boozing as soon as her childs gone. She works hard for her kids.

This doesn't sound like favouritism to me, more like circumstance.
So your mil has to look after her gc because her father, and possibly the mother (you don't say), aren't up to it for whatever reason? She's probably knackered.

And MIL is knackered in fact I used to be quite annoyed thinking gc mother was asking for her to have gc however I now know that's not the case at all and it's all MIL

My mother is like this with my sister's child. I'm nc with them both. I live in the same street at my mother but my sister lives 6 hours away but visits every month for a long weekend. In between my mother visits them. The child has her own bed at my mum's, bike, play house etc whilst my children have nothing they have never even been bought a bag of sweets. It has nothing to do with different circumstances as my sister and her husband are significantly better off and have a huge family on his side and friends. We have nobody.

So, if your mil is knackered, why would she have your children too, when there are two parents already capable of looking after them?
Do you ever have your niece (? Is that right, it's quite complicated!) to stay at yours to give your mil a break?

So mil has two sons, one who lives with her and is barely functional from the sound of things, and one your dh who is happily married it you? It sounds as if she is certainly prioritising her other gc, but not necessarily through favouritism, more a sense of obligation/guilt/concern for her less functional son and his child. Overall even without her support it sounds as if you've got life sorted, so are not so needy.

Gc has her mother and step father at home. MIL isn't doing the weeks to help gc mother at all. She's doing it to take GC out and do things with gc. DH works 12-14 hour shifts 6 days a week and isn't around to help all that much due to sleeping then travel to and from work so having MIL help would of been a godsend if I'm honest but we cope without. Yes it's bloody hard some days but hey it's what mum's do. I have GC yes and then MIL comes to see all her gc.

Ok, that's strange then. Just trying to play devils advocate and see it from the other side. Could it be that she's trying to get her son engaged with his child?

The other GC sounds like he needs more support and has a less stable home life (particularly with his father not doing things for him). I'd shrug my shoulders and get on with your own life. She's having to help bring up other GC.