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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mrs Husband's Name

61 replies

BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 15:47

I have a question for married women who didn't change their name.

Is your husband's family aware of it? Suppose, you're called Sarah White, and you married Peter Jones. Do they address you on correspondence correctly, or as "Mrs Peter Jones"? If the latter - does it annoy you? Have you said anything about it?

When it happened to me, I was actually quite annoyed and upset. I thought "It's 2018, ffs. Have they never heard of feminism? Or women not changing names on marriage? What's wrong with just putting "Sarah and Peter" on the card, rather than old-fashioned Mr&Mrs etc?

It turned out no one wanted to slight me, they just "didn't think". I'm kinda ok with it now, they all are after all very good people. Would you personally go as far as add a note to the back of any card (during festive season when people exchange cards I mean, and you expect some from them) saying "Please kindly note Sarah's name is Sarah White, not Mrs Peter Jones"?

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 27/07/2018 16:27

If I think someone is doing it deliberately because they don't like my decision to keep my own name then, I pull them up on it, but otherwise I let it slide. I appreciate that it's easier to write "Mr and Mrs Hisname" rather than "Mr Hisname and Ms Myname", especially when you're addressing 100 Christmas cards.

Sometimes I do things like make a reservation for him as Mr Myname just so he knows what it feels like, though.

Mitzimaybe · 27/07/2018 16:28

I managed to cash a cheque made out to Mitzimaybe Hisname by taking my marriage certificate to the bank.

Semster · 27/07/2018 16:29

I'm a little baffled by the 'Oh I didn't realise you hadn't changed your name' argument.

Everything - literally everything - still has my maiden name on it. My email address. My facebook page. My business. The address label I put on the envelope of everything I send out.

I have never, ever once anywhere referred to myself as Mrs Husbandsurname. I've never hyphenated my maiden name and my husband's name. I've always just used my own absolutely unique name. I've had that name for 49 years. I've been married for nearly 20 years and still have that name.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/07/2018 16:29

I didn't get this from my DH's family - I think all the women in his family of our generation kept their own names and the men married women who kept their own names so it wasn't a default for them.

But a couple of older people in my own family always addressed envelopes and cards to "Mrs. BoomBoom Husband'sname". I was annoyed by one of them whom I felt did it to annoy me but the other not so much because she just seemed to genuinely think it was a bit of an insult to not call a married woman Mrs Husband'sname.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2018 16:29

Being brought up when I was, it was so ingrained in me that divorce and "living in sin" was a bad thing that, even though I was wholeheartedly in favour of both divorce and living together before marriage, there's always the feeling at the back of my mind that I will cause less offence by using the formerly correct "mr and mrs " to a couple who haven't decided to use the same name, than I would by using their own names to a couple who have decided to use the same name. After all, the postman might think they weren't married!!

It's OK with friends - but how do I address distant young relatives? Especially when all our family (except me) have gone over to using husband's name. Thinking about it, I would use "Mrs " if she's changed her name - but if I were addressing both of them, I wouldn't naturally use "Mrs and Mr ,his initial> " - that's just bizarre.

So I'd say that if you are addressed in that way, it's unlikely to be done to be offensive, more the opposite - someone struggling to be polite and unable to get past what was instilled in them as politeness when growing up.

Yes, I know it's been a long time - but basic politeness is something that is ingrained very deeply, and it's more difficult to change your ideas on this than it is, for example, to get used to doing a contactless payment rather than going into your designated bank branch and drawing out some cash.

ladycarlotta · 27/07/2018 16:34

My mother never took my father's name - this was back in the 80s - and I remember her own parents called her Mrs [Dadsname] when I was a kid in the 90s. Like somehow it was easier for them to do that than think of her by the name she was born with and shared with them? There was big drama about some cheque they wrote her, I remember. Some people just can't get their heads round it.

JohnnyLisaMark · 27/07/2018 16:36

How can people NOT have a problem with it? I don't care if it's "tradition" because that tradition is literally saying that a wife is not her own person. When I get married I am staying Ms, keeping my own surname, which just happens to be an awesome surname, and any kids we have can have one of my two surnames. Just as a fuck you very much to tradition. Having said that, I don't think anyone in mine or my partner's families would dream of referring to me as Mrs Husband Husbandson because it's outdated and quite frankly offensive.

Original poster
BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 16:37

Thank you all, sounds like the folks aren't digging it en masse. I'm quite taken aback by deliberate annoyance though, especially from people's own mothers ...
I didn't change my name on marriage, and my surname isn't even my 1st husbo's surname, I just changed it by deed poll ages ago when came to UK (I'm a foreigner and no one even in my country could spell that).
I toyed with the idea of linking my 2nd husband's surname to mine, but decided against it for bureaucratic reasons (banks, forms, pain). And you know what, the English folks on the phone in various companies are struggling even with spelling what I have now - a fairly common English surname. Fancy what would happen with double barrel name ...

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2018 16:38

I don't think anyone in mine or my partner's families would dream of referring to me as Mrs Husband Husbandson because it's outdated and quite frankly offensive. Offensive to you doesn't necessarily mean it was meant to be offensive.

thecatsthecats · 27/07/2018 16:39

To people who kept their names... did you in any way announce it at the wedding?

Just wondering, I'd quite like to, but can't think of any way that doesn't sound weird. It seems like such an odd thing to announce, just as changing my name at all would feel odd.

Amanduh · 27/07/2018 16:41

I don’t know anyone IRL who didn’t change their name to their husbands.

Original poster
BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 16:42

JohnnyLisaMark - exactly. Sod the tradition, and they often are quite offensive really. Not having a vote used to be a tradition. The problem is that people don't use their brains often.
In my case, we might precipitate the onslaught of Xmas cards by sending them out first with the correct names at the back. By the way, I'm not thinking of Xmas in July! :)))) (but I think the hot weather makes me angry)

OP posts:
Semster · 27/07/2018 16:43

I didn't announce it at the wedding, and my husband didn't announce anything about his name either.

dorisdog · 27/07/2018 16:43

Oh, god. I didn't change my name when I got married. Mostly people we're fine, but often just forgot. Except for my stepsister, who not only would deliberately write to me with Mrs and Mrs (husband surname) on the envelope, but would actually put my husband's first name instead of mine. So, Mrs 'Eric' Jones (name change, obv). It was bizarre. It's like she was so angry that she had to go one step further that just the surname Angry I just left her to it. I figured that whole thing was bothering her more than me, for some unimaginable reason!

Original poster
BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 16:47

@thecatsthecats - To people who kept their names... did you in any way announce it at the wedding?

No, we didn't, there wasn't anything about surnames at our ceremony. When we were filling the wedding forms there was a question "And now we announce you as" and you were supposed to fill it. And I was wondering what to put, "husband and wife"? and asked the marriage person what else is one supposed to say here. To which she answered that "Mr and Mrs Husband's name" is another alternative. So as this option is available, it implies some people are using it.

OP posts:
NCPuffin · 27/07/2018 16:47

Have had a few instances of being called Mrs hisfirstandlastname, by my step MIL. FIL doesn't do it anymore after us pointing out that I didn't change my name. Haven't had a card for both of us from step MIL for a while so not sure if she got the message or not. She seems to think it's a great honour to take your husband's name and they're both quite hot on tradition and etiquette. I'd love to send her a card in her maiden name, she'd be spitting feathers!

I wouldn't add a note in, I'd just do as a PP suggested and get a return stamp with your name written correctly.

Original poster
BloodyDisgrace · 27/07/2018 16:56

@MereDintofPandiculation - well, things have got a tiny bit better by now, comparing to what it used to be. And why won't people just say on the envelope "name and name", Sally and John? What's wrong with that? If they are sending a card to some people, it means they are friendly with them enough to call them by names. Which they do in real life. No one asks a family member/friend "Mr Taylor, would you like a glass of wine?", do they? Can't see why one cannot apply the same principle to a card.

OP posts:
Summersup · 27/07/2018 16:58

I don't mind being addressed as Mrs X, my work name is Dr Y but I just don't care, my grandma loves to write Mrs X and I love my grandma, so it's not a thing for me at all.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2018 16:59

To people who kept their names... did you in any way announce it at the wedding? I don't think I've ever made any sort of general announcement. But then I assume that people who address us the "old fashioned" way are being polite according to the way they were brought up, not that they are trying to imply I'm my DH's property, or that they're trying to make some other point or simply to annoy me, so I couldn't care two hoots what they address me as. (Just so long as they get it right on cheques and legal documents)

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 17:01

The only person I will allow to address me as Mrs Husband's Name is my husband's grandmother, who is very traditional and likes the fact that officially (according to her, not me), we have the same name. My husband has the same first name and surname as his late grandfather.

Everyone else can gtf though.

EdithWeston · 27/07/2018 17:09

"someone struggling to be polite and unable to get past what was instilled in them as politeness when growing up"

You can end that struggle quickly and accurately, by asking people what their name is, and making a note of it in the same place as you note their address/phone number/email.

What is not polite is repeatedly calling someone by the wrong name, because you think your views about what their name should be outweigh what the name actually is.

amicissimma · 27/07/2018 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VikingVolva · 27/07/2018 17:10

To people who kept their names... did you in any way announce it at the wedding

No, because there was precisely nothing to announce. It is a change that needs to be signalled.

HildaZelda · 27/07/2018 17:12

When we got married DH's (horrible anyway) aunt sent a card saying "One Jones less, one Smith more, now let's hope for Smiths galore" Hmm
I just thought it was horrible. The automatic assumption that I would take his name, not to mention the fact that whether or not we were going to have kids was absolutely none of her business!

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/07/2018 17:14

thecatsthecats we did not announce but we signed our thank you cards from "Fanny Myname & Franky Hisname". I have been to weddings where they announce the entrance fo the bride and groom at the reception and use "Ms. Hername and Mr. Hisname" and I have had invitations to weddings that mention they will be known as "Ms. Hername and Mr. Hisname".