I don’t want MIL’s new partner being called Grandad’s or being a time hospital when I give birth

[InsuranceGirl]

I normally get on quite well with my MIL but she has a partner of 8 months who we met last month for the first time as we live at different ends of the country to our families.

Me and DH are expecting our first child and MIL keeps referring to her new partner as being baby’s Grandad and how they will both be at the hospital to meet baby.

We hardly know this man she’s with (we both feel uneasy by him due to his past that MIL had told us) and don’t want him being given the title of Grandad and don’t want him at the hospital. TBH we don’t want anyone at the hospital or coming round for the first few days, everyone else on both sides of our families say they understand this.

MIL cannot understand why we are saying no. She’s very used to getting her own way with DH normally and her other children (including how grandchildren are raised with her other children and I think she will be expecting the same from us as we go along).

I really don’t know how to get it through to her that we won’t budge on these, DH is worried she’ll refuse to visit if we don’t give in but I think she’d eventually not be able to resist visiting and would (hopefully) accept to on our terms.

There is another thread today. It is important that the grandparents realise as soon as possible that you don't want any hospital visit and probably for the first week. Be firm. As for the partner, it will be d7ffclt 4for you to demand he is not called grandad. In fact, your baby wouldn't know for years so couldn't be hurt by it. If it upsets you then your partner should have a quiet and kind conversation with his mum explaining why

Don't tell her about baby's arrival until you're leaving to go home, which I understand these days is about two minutes after the cord is cut

Absolutely state that you do not want them at the hospital. The grandad thing is harder as I have had this with FIL's wife and unfortunately they just choose to use the term so if you don't want them too you will have to state very clearly and pick them up on it each time. Might be easiest just to let that one go which is what I have done even though it makes me stabby.

I would just clearly say "MIL, the baby is YOUR__ grandchild, not his. He is not baby's grandfather, he never will be, you have only been with him for a short time, and he is not DH's dad, thus, not the baby's grandfather".

Just don't tell anyone when you go into hospital.

As for the grandad thing. I would hate that and tell them why. My DM sometimes refers to my dad (died when I was 10) as grandad and I tell her straight away that he is not and never would have been given that title. My DFIL was my DC's only DGD and the only one who deserves that title.

Thanks for coming back so fast everyone, I think not saying about labour and just when baby has arrived will be the best idea for that which is a shame as we wanted to let her and my parents know when labour started.

The Grandad thing DH has kept saying to her when she brings it up and says he wouldn’t call her partner Dad because they’ve been together for such a little amount of time so why is she insisting on referring to her partner as Grandad, her only response is because she loves her partner so we should accept him as being DH’s future StepDad and our babies Grandad.

her only response is because she loves her partner so we should accept him as being DH’s future StepDad and our babies Grandad

Even if she were to marry him in the future that doesn't mean he would be Grandad.
My partner's step-mum ( who has been in his life for many years) is brilliant and loves our boys to bits, but she has never been called Grandma, she has always been called by her first name- it doesn't have any bearing on her role in their lives.

Where is your FIL? If he ever had a presence in your DH's life then he gets the title, not MIL's boyfriend.

She might insist on referring to Granny and Granddad in the years to come (assuming they're still together) but you can throw it back at them by teaching your DC to call them Granny and [his name]. You'll win.

And if it causes a row and she refuses to visit, at least that way he won't be in the hospital

FIL is in prison and currently being divorced by MIL and won’t be released for quite some time. DH has had nothing to do with him since FIL was arrested 3 years ago apart from a letter advising he wants no contact with him ever.

I do feel it may only be a relationship for a couple of years (he’s been married 7 times, gets engaged within the first year or two and then a short marriage, then a divorce).

We’ve both said baby’s only Grandad is my Dad, but if she insists once baby arrives we will just keep defaulting to “Grannie and boyfriend’s name”.

Keep repeating until it sinks in.

DH's step-mum is called that, and Granny, because she has been in his life since DH was 8. My DM's DH is Firstname to us all because I was 21 when she married him.

FFS these people are the other end of the country call em what you want and don't get stressed by the issue

My nan has a partner who's been around as long as I can remember (I'm 22), I don't call him grandad, I call him uncle if I have to speak to him at all.

I think my nan has got my SN brother to call him grandad but I correct him, we already have two grandads.

I think I got in trouble for writing "To Nan and Uncle " in a card once years ago but I stubbornly pointed out he isn't my grandad and at least I used the respectful "uncle"

They may be at the other end of the country but if he is still around in a couple of years, or a new partner is, I don’t want various different Grandad’s who are just MIL’s current or ex boyfriends.