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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to discuss religious faith/religious styles of dressing with others?

28 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 27/07/2018 12:11

There is a lady who might be in her sixties at our church who seems to be very conservative and I am not sure why she attends our not so conservative church.

So she holds the opinion that women should wear only dresses but no trousers... and I happen to wear a lot of dresses and skirts and wear only dresses for church because it looks better but do not think women should not wear trousers.

One day she approached me and praised me for dressing that womanly and modest like a child of God (as she called it) which is rare among young people today and I was a bit shocked, because I am not even trying to be modest... just unhappy with my body... lol.

I tried to discuss with her because I do think that actually God does not care so much about people wearing trousers (and in Biblical times men and women all wore long robes). Of course she did not agree with me.

Actually I did not start this topic to discuss religion but my question is a different one... later some folks told me: Why did you discuss this with her.? You should just have nodded in agreement to avoid a discussion.

They thought I was right but they wondered why I was so stupid to start a discussion.

How do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 27/07/2018 12:19

There is that old saying that you should never discuss religion or politics. Do you agree?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 27/07/2018 14:32

Or should I just have told her I do not agree and said no more on this. Really like to know how others handle this kind of discussion.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 27/07/2018 17:17

You go to the same church. That means that religion is definitely an okay subject to talk about and if you think she's wrong, it's perfectly fine to explain why. Especially if you think she might be saying that sort of thing to other women and girls in the congregation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2018 17:22

I think life would be hideously boring if we all smiled and nodded at everything. As long as people manage to respect the human being they are speaking to (I feel no need to respect their beliefs but I do treat the person with respect) talk about what you like.

KatieKittens · 27/07/2018 17:28

She approached you and brought up the way you dress. It’s only natural to have a conversation about it. The fact you disagreed with her points about the way women should dress is immaterial. You are entitled to put forward your point of view. You were not being unreasonable.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 20:22

Thanks for your opinion.

OP posts:
IKnowItsTIMHONKSTIMHONKS · 28/07/2018 20:25

Dress how you like, if god was real I think he'd have bigger things to worry about than boring old Betty and her views on various leg attire.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 20:30

I do dress as I like. I just wondered if it makes sense to discuss it with her. My friends said: There is no way she will change her mind so why discuss it? I thought if that old saying that you should never discuss politics or religion because it is just a waste of time.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 28/07/2018 20:32

When you get to my age ... I can't abide "heated debates". So, I never discuss religion, politics, Brexit, fox hunting, education, abortion, transgender issues, parenting styles, NHS, the list goes on. After years of getting all fired up, I realised no one is interested, plenty want to win an argument or put their view across. I have deeply religious friends who have no idea I am an atheist. It is unimportant for our friendship.
For the most part, none of the arguments offer anything new, I have been hearing the same stuff for 40 years. My opinions are just that, mine. I listen to many opinions of young people and they are very interesting and often colour my thoughts but I choose not to challenge. I like it that way

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 28/07/2018 20:34

I always wear dresses to church. I mostly wear dresses daily anyway. An older woman (prob 75) told me that her husband disapproved of women wearing trousers. I told her in that case I would have worn trousers every day. She laughed.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 20:35

Might I ask you how old you are?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 20:36

@Confusedbeetle

OP posts:
HolidayModeMum · 28/07/2018 20:38

Of course you can discuss it with her, you attend the same church! You are unlikely to change her view but you are absolutely correct to make her aware that you have a different opinion.
I'm a trouser wearing church goer!!!

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 20:43

@TheBitchoftheVicar
I could not live with a husband who told me not to wear trousers. Dh likes dresses better than trousers and he tells me so... but that is just ADVICE and if he told me that he disapproved of me for wearing trousers... I would be very angry at him.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/07/2018 20:46

I agree with the first 3 replies.
As she approached you about it, of course you need to reply to her.

What kind of a community would it be if you didn't have conversations with people - whether they are likely to agree with you or not.

TooManyPaws · 28/07/2018 21:05

Ideas of modest dress change from culture to culture and with different times. Other cultures and previous Western culture would find showing of lower legs in dresses immodest. When I went to Italy as a teenager, we had to cover bare shoulders when visiting churches. Certain modern cultures find trousers to be more modest than dresses because they show less skin.

Does she always wear a hat? Because that's the only thing about clothing in the New Testament that I can remember - women covering their heads. I used to share a flat at university with someone from a Brethren background and she had one hat which came out every Sunday for her visit to the Hall.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 21:12

No, I do not always wear a hat. Just at weddings actually. I did not know that the Bible said so, but I do think it is not to be taken literally, because I do think the Bible is to be interpreted in the context of that time.
My question is not like: Should I wear a hat/trousers/whatever... it is more like: should I discuss it with other people. So if you told me that I need to wear a head... should I discuss it with you or just nod in agreement to avoid a discussion... because a discussion would be a waste of time. I think people convinced that everybody needs to wear a hat/a dress/whatever cannot be convinced otherwise and I cannot be convinced that I must wear a hat or a dress... otoh I sometimes do have a big mouth and it is difficult to avoid a discussion then.

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 28/07/2018 21:22

It is an interesting question you are posing actually. I think it kind of depends on how strongly you feel about an issue. I often find myself nodding along to views of people I don’t know very well, just because it is easier and I am making small talk. But one day on the bus, an old man made a racist comment, expecting me to agree with him and I had to stand up to him and try to make a point of telling him why his comment was unacceptable because it was important. In your situation I think I might have given my opinion because she was being quite judgmental about women’s freedom to dress how they want, and I may well have worn trousers one day to church and would have felt like a hypocrite if I had just agreed with her views. But it isn’t a massively offensive view point so depending on how much time I had and how I was feeling on the day, I might have just changed the subject instead.

dodobookends · 28/07/2018 21:35

OP, there's nothing stopping you discussing it with other people at all, but you will probably come across a few people with rather intractable opinions. No-one needs to be persuaded to change their mind - you could just smile, and agree to disagree.

As for being told what you must and must not do by random church people - well, they are not the boss of you, and God has bigger fish to fry doesn't mind Smile

Although I have faith, there's a lot of 'churchy' protocol that I disagree with, which is mostly why I don't go any more.

Armadillostoes · 28/07/2018 21:46

Of course YANBU to engage in a conversation when someone from your church began it. Why on Earth should you keep quiet and endorse a viewpoint which you consider is misguided, and which can have a real impact on the way in which women and girls are perceived and perceive themselves? This goes deeper than leg-wear and the messages which your church/faith promotes are very properly your concern.

blacksax · 28/07/2018 21:46

It might be said by some that many of the rules laid down by religions are not necessarily the word of God, but have been made by powerful men in order to oppress women the masses, and keep them in their place. But that's a discussion for another day and no doubt another thread.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 28/07/2018 21:48

Oh, my church does not promote this opinion towards trousers. It is just her personal opinion.

OP posts:
DieAntword · 28/07/2018 21:55

When I express controversial opinions I like to get a little pushback. If people smile and nod I lose respect for them if I suspect they really disagree. Then again little old ladies might be different in this respect.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 28/07/2018 21:56

She would probably be horrified at my church congregation - quite a lot of women wear trousers, some smart, some casual and in the hot weather some men have been wearing shorts...oops just remembered I went to Mass tonight in trousers (with a very decorative mac over them). I do prefer to dress up a bit more for church, but dressing up can include trousers. I'm horrified by her attitude that women shouldn't wear trousers, and I'm in my seventies!....and if that came up in a conversation with me I would disagree strongly.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 28/07/2018 22:05

If she brought up the subject, it sounds as if she actively wants to discuss it with you, so discuss away.

In Muslim countries I've visited, loose-fitting trousers are considered a "safe" modest choice for visiting women to wear. In traditional communities in Kenya, modesty is all about demeanour rather than clothes. People of both sexes walk around topless or with one breast/nipple showing and no-one bats an eyelid as long as their behaviour and interactions with others are modest.