Angry Cat here - should I LTB?

[user1494521813]

Usercat here. I am so angry with my Servants this morning. I stayed out until 3am last night. The Cat door to the main house has been closed since I tried to hone my servants' hunting skills by bringing in live mice and rats. They were useless could not catch a mouse in a shoe box.

So last night I graciously decided to return in the early morning. The food left out in the extension was not suitable for me so I had to scream at the top of my voice until one of them got out of my bed to let me in.

The correct food was provided but then the Servant trapped me in the house and I was in until 7am. I am so angry. I did ankle swipes this morning to show my displeasure but should I LTB in view of their outrageous conduct?

No don't LTB. Just chuck up on the most absorbent surface you can find.

I recommend pissing on the mattress around 9.30 pm and then throwing up at the bottom of stairs or outside the kitchen/bathroom around 3am tomorrow too, they will love that.

Lie motionless on the stairs in a half light. Then trip them as they pass. That'll learn 'em.

Cat servants should really wear rags so claw their favourite clothing to pieces so they learn their place in life.

I would give you my sympathy, but as you know, cats are above such emotions.

I can only offer you such disdain for the servants...as I have for those who serve me. (Note that I do not admit to ownership of the shameful creatures)

The servants who care for my needs are beyond stupid.

This evening I asked politely for some of the sardines the stupid servants were eating and one of them actually swiped it's hand toward my paw.

I later defecated on the rug in order that they might grasp in future, the fact that all sardines which enter the house are in fact MINE.

YABVVVU for calling your thread 'Angry Cat here - should I LTB?'

A kind, considerate, catkind-loving feline would automatically have posted 'Angry Cat here - ask me anything'.

But no. It's all about You, You, You....

Call 101 and log it, this is unacceptable. Staff should know their place.

Oh, have you tried running around frantically at 3am for no reason?

Other ploys to try: sleep on their head pillow during these hot nights; flop out like you have heat exhaustion then look disdainfully when they bring you an extra bowl of water; be sick on carpets not washable surfaces; expect them to keep opening front door for you for a change; roll in leaves and mud before reclining on that big bed which is rightfully yours.

I recommend moving into number 3, I have it on excellent authority that the Servants there are fantastic, they already have a Boss Cat but definitely not Alpha material like you. He's a right pussy who's always purring at them and jumping into their laps for cuddles, you know, the kind who gives the rest of us a bad name. Honestly, he hasn't the balls (literally) to stand up to a determined territory grab and you should be able to bully him into submission quite easily.

Hourly vomiting through the night works quite well. And I second the suggestion of lying on their heads - it’s surprisingly comfortable.

As regards their training, I feel your pain. This house was devoid of rodent life so I have populated it with live voles, which now run around entertainingly at dusk and have created their own network of holes in skirting boards and behind chimneys. I only have to augment the colony occasionally with new recruits as it is now pleasingly self-sustaining.

I wake my staff at 2am for their daily practice at catching them in a shoe box. They have such fun! I’m a very philanthropic feline I’m sure you’ll agree. And patient too - they are making such slow progress.

Sit by their bed and stare at them in the dark. They'll wake up freaked out. And make sure you've left a hairball where they'll tread in bare feet. That and some pathetic wailing when they've just settled down should sort them.