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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be "terrified" of becoming a MIL?

18 replies

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 07:55

Because I'm a normal person, and I assume my sons who I am attempting to raise right will be normal people and meet reasonably normal partners? And to assume that if they are heterosexual that all women are not threatened by their MILs?

I am so sick of the wringing by people who have 20+ years left before becoming MILs and their "fear" that they will be shut out. If you are already worried your daughter in law will take your itty bitty boy away from you before he even meets his first girlfriend you are that mother in law. You will be the mother in law who gets pushed out. It will be your fault though.

MILs are not always at fault, the posts about MILs are there because no one posts about normal family relationships. They don't need to. They post about dysfunctional ones, asking for help or a place to rant.

OP posts:

TheShapeOfEwe · 27/07/2018 07:58

I'm pretty relaxed about it because my MIL is wonderful and my mum is a good MIL ago DH so I have good models to follow! I'm sure there are terrible, overbearing MILs out there but I think you're right that MN skews the picture because nobody comes on to AIBU and says 'my lovely MIL just dropped off a thoughtful birthday gift and told me how nicely I had decorated my sitting room'.

Milfromhades · 27/07/2018 08:04

I love being a MiL. See my AMA for tips www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3293297-Im-your-Mil-ask-me-anything?pg=1&order=

Kingkiller · 27/07/2018 08:07

I don't understand why anyone would see their child's partner as 'taking their child away', regardless of what sex their child is. People's adult children have grown-up lives of their own. I find it bizarre how possessive and jealous many parents and PIL can be about their children, sons/daughters-in-law and grandchildren. So no, I have no fear of being a MIL, because I won't be like that. My own MIL has her faults (who doesn't!), but she's not like that either.

Ihuntmonsters · 27/07/2018 08:17

I'm rather looking forward to being a MIL, although I don't know when and if that may happen as my children are teenagers and have only brought a couple of girlfriends home so far. I wonder what their future partners (if any) will be like and hope that they will be lovely and our family will grow. My mum has provided a handy model of what not to be like but my own MIL died before we married so I don't have any personal experience of the relationship. Our best friends seem to have a pretty harmonious family, and regularly have ILs from both sides of their family at parties etc. Obviously there are tensions from time to time but it seems good when it works :)

Feb2018mumma · 27/07/2018 08:21

I have already said I won't be seeing my son all the time when I'm older, he won't want to and thats okay! My MIL calls all the time and cries alot if we are ill and can't see her one week out of our weekly guilted visits, already know me and husband will end up divorced over her, the constant coming over and letting herself in, she has sat on the edge of my bed multiple times while I sleep... Not husband and me, just me sleeping... I honestly spend half my days scared and depressed! I just can't allow myself to be like that! I love my baby so much but would rather see him once every 6 months and be shut out than ruin someone as my MIL has emotionally broken me! I'm not scared of it, but I am taking extra love and cuddles, knowing that after 16 he will be his own person and I don't want to force him into a guilted relationship with me?

laurG · 27/07/2018 08:28

Well, I have an amazing mother in law. I can only hope that I can be fractionally as great as she is. She welcomed me into her home from day one. She lets us make our own decisions, keeps her opinions to herself and is a pleasure to visit and stay. I think the key thing is that she has a very busy life and lots of other activities rather than fretting about loosing her sons and barging in onthdir lives. A lot of mother in laws just want to feel like they are still important to their sons so barge in and make trouble (my own Mother does this). What they fail to realise is that behaving themselves and welcoming the dil they will get a better outcome.

IncyWincyMouseRat · 27/07/2018 08:35

I have a great relationship with my ILs and so does DH with my parents. I have no concerns about being a MIL one day!

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:41

I wonder how many women read the Relationships board and suddenly become ''terrified'' of being a wife. Or a sister. Or an Aunt.

It always seems to be mothers of sons being terrified of having a DIL. The irony is they are DILs themselves ...

Moreisnnogedag · 27/07/2018 09:07

Yeah I’m with you on this. My MIL is a lovely woman who honestly cares about me. My friends largely have good relationships with their MILs and some have better relationships than with their own mothers. There is one who has an absolutely dreadful relationship but that’s because the woman is demonstrably an incredibly strange woman.

Original poster

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 09:17

It always seems to be mothers of sons being terrified of having a DIL. The irony is they are DILs themselves ...

Yes, strange isn't it Maybe they're terrible to their MIls?

OP posts:

JaceLancs · 27/07/2018 09:20

I had a lovely MIL
My DM is a lovely MIL herself
I hope to be one, one day!
I’m at an age when some of my peers are becoming grandparents and what I find rather unpalatable is how some of them compete to be favourite GP and try and sideline their DC partner/wife/husband parents in some way

HotStickyTired · 27/07/2018 09:23

Hear hear OP.

I have a good relationship with my MIL, because she is nice. DM had a great relationship with her MIL, my granny, because she was a wonderful woman. MIL and granny both knew when to keep their gobs shut.

DF has a good relationship with his MIL, my other granny, these days, but that is testament to him as by all accounts she went out of her way to be awful to him for years.

Mothers of girls can be MILs too.

Original poster

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 09:27

@milfromhades that thrad is hilarious

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 27/07/2018 09:28

DS1 has excellent taste in women (wish I could say the same for his beer and music) so I was confident he would give me the Right Sort of DIL. And indeed he did. His MIL is far more hands-on with the DGC than I am, as she is a qualified child carer and lives just round the corner (not to mention being far more calm and practical than I am), but I don't feel pushed out at all. They invite me round regularly. Mostly I see the DGC with their parents and that's fine - I want to see their parents too! (One of those parents, I may remind anyone who has lost track at this point, is my son so why wouldn't I want him there?)

Other DSs have not settled down with anyone yet. One of them dated someone a while back about whom I had reservations - she had Issues with a capital I - but nevertheless welcomed her and was able to have quite a pleasant, if brief, relationship until her Issues got the better of her and she dumped him from a great height. Because I hadn't previously slagged off the love of his life I was there to mop the tears and re-boost his ego. He is kind of married to his work these days but I have hopes some lovely woman will snag him yet. If a not so lovely one does... well, I'll be as nice as possible and if he needs me again, I'll be there.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2018 09:28

Times seem to be changing. 50 years ago family was important. Weddings were celebrated with family more than friends, it was normal to have Christmas with extended family. Now I read MN and see that weddings are regarded as events for friends, that Christmas is about "just our own little family" ... and all the posts about how MILs.

So although I was brought up spending time with family, celebrating events with family, it seems that as I get older I'm expected to duck out. It's "their time" now and I will be no longer wanted. Is it unreasonable to be apprehensive, when things have changed so much?

Laiste · 27/07/2018 09:30

Maybe ...

See, the gut reaction is to say ah, the mothers of the male half of the couple are at a disadvantage because it's their son's wives who are upholding communications in families, organise free time and arrange the get togethers. In other words men are shit at keeping their mums in the loop so the men's mums have to push harder to stay involved. Pushing hard can feel overbaring and thus DILs seem pissed off easily.

I've been married twice and both husbands have been bad at keeping their side of the family in the loop despite their family being perfectly nice people.

When will it end though? I mean, i assume men are just carrying on with what they're bought up with? ie: the women doing all the leg work when it comes to family. The women who are terrified of becoming MILs - are they showing their sons how to value family beyond childhood?

Raspberry88 · 27/07/2018 09:33

I agree, DH and I talk about how much we want to try and plan so we can have a fairly interesting retirement as PIL do absolutely nothing but wait to see us and although they are respectful I find it ever so oppressive. I want to make sure that DS can do things like spend Christmas with his future family without us making him feel guilty!

GreenIce · 27/07/2018 09:36

I'm not worried about it, everyone I know in real life gets on fine with their in laws, obviously on mumsnet you just see the extremes.

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