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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my father is bloody selfish

31 replies

WhyTheHeckMe · 26/07/2018 23:06

Won't bore you with too many details but basically have a rich dad who moved away when I wasaw young. Always stayed in touch and saw him every 3 months or so as a kid. He's been remarried 20 years with a nice lady and they have 2 young teens.
I'm seriously at the end of my tether with him though. We love to visit them but always practically have to beg to get a date in their busy schedules. They never come to see us ever. We only see them if we go there, then it's all showy as to what they've bought
I had a baby 3 months ago (dc2) which they met when we met them at a halfway point (!!)
They didn't get the baby a present and I never received a card which I thought was a little selfish. I did end up raising it with them in a round-about way to which they asked if there was anything I needed for baby. I suggested a money box. Still waiting for it now 3 months on.
I'm on maternity leave and am in financial difficulty due to a very unexpected bill that was out of my control. Mentioned it to my dad who basically said oh dear, that's unfortunate.
My half siblings are constantly treated to expensive gifts, holidays and trips away, all which I've never had from him
Last year when me and dh went to visit we bumped into their friends while we were out. My father couldn't get away fast enough and when the friend asked who we were my dad said 'my daughter' then tried to change the subject. The guy said "oh you never said you had another child!"
DH thinks i should cut ties. But I love my siblings and only really speak to them through him and wouldn't want to not see them anymore.
Can't imagine ever not wanting to see my children or bending over backwards for them.
Just a little fucked off by it all now.
AIBU and do I sound like a brat? I'm very easy going as is dh and our kids. There's no reason for him to not want to be part of our lives other than the fact I feel we don't fit in with his perfect life that he likes to portray

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 26/07/2018 23:09

YANBU to be sad but YABU to expect anything or even to hint for a gift. Some people are just weird and selfish and the sooner you let go of this problem, the better for you. Are your half siblings still children? I can't think of any other reason why you'd not see them if you cut contact.

Original poster
WhyTheHeckMe · 26/07/2018 23:54

Yes, one late primary school one early secondary school age.

OP posts:
DesignStatement · 27/07/2018 00:45

You need to speak to your dad frankly as you will regret it if you don't. Push it back to him.
Ask him if he wants to cut contact with you and his grandchild. He will ask why/sound shocked etc. ~ and if he does tell hi. Why you are asking ~ difficulty you have, as his daughter, seeing him. Lack of any real affection for his grandchild. Finding out he hadn't even acknowledged your existence to his friends.
Tell him how devastating this is for you.
See how he reacts ~ take it from there.

If he doesn't stand up to his fatherly obligations ~ be prepared to walk away, knowing he has pushed you away, and put your energy in to your own child and husband.

sue51 · 27/07/2018 00:50

Did he support you and pay maintenance when you were growing up?

sue51 · 27/07/2018 00:53

Just noticed you saw him every 3 months when growing up. 4 times a year doesn't exactly put him in line for any parenting awards. I think it's time for you to talk to him about the past and tell him how hurt you are by his lack of involvement.

Yeaididthat · 27/07/2018 01:01

I'm with Ajas. You're an adult, your bills aren't his problems either.

DiegoMadonna · 27/07/2018 01:27

While I agree that adults shouldn't EXPECT their parents to help them out financially, I can understand that you told us that story to highlight that he didn't even offer. Evidence that he doesn't seem to care about you much.

But as pointed out, he only saw you 4 times a year growing up and doesn't make any effort to see you at all now. So I'd say the reality already was that he doesn't care that much.

I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of person so I'd agree with the PP above about telling him how you feel. Worst case scenario is that you end up falling out, but you're talking about giving up on your relationship with him anyway, so that's hardly a big deal. Might as well tell him how you feel and see if he has anything to say for himself.

Anxious2niteaaah · 27/07/2018 01:32

Op no offence but it sounds like you are jealous of his second family and the gifts they get, and it sounds like you want him more for his money than for himself and his time...otherwise why would you mention that he is rich and gifts he has bought others etc...

What has his money got to.do.with you, you are a grown woman, he is not obliged to spend on you,

WarPigeon · 27/07/2018 01:43

I have a close family so can’t relate. But if my parents couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to meet their own grandchild that would practically be the end of the relationship for me.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 27/07/2018 01:49

I know it is hard and I do have an idea of your situation from my own experience.. but...but...

You are not going to change them.

Also try not to be jealous of what the half sisters get as they doubtless have their own shit to deal with, and this family situation is not their fault.

You say your dad is quite rich and that you asked for a money box for your child...do you feel he owes you something from your own childhood?

LeftRightCentre · 27/07/2018 01:55

I'd cut ties, not because of the money, but because he's a fuckwit who abandoned you, can't be arsed with you and is ashamed of you. He's lied about your very existence. I just couldn't come back from that out of a parent. His kids know where to find you. He would completely fuck me off, what a total arse. If you stop contacting him, but he won't even bother to get in touch.

Maidsrus · 27/07/2018 02:00

Yanbu and it’s very sad, but it sounds like he’s not really bonded with his first family, and his new wife controls the purse strings enough that his new family is looked after, but is not pushing for you in any way.

I think you’ve got two options , keep seeing him or just your half siblings but lower your expectations. Or if it upsets you too much, cut ties.

It’s very upsetting, but his emotional attachment to you is not as great as yours to him. You can’t make him change.

Allegorical · 27/07/2018 02:10

Wow people are being really mean here to the OP. It’s not about the money, it’s about being tested differently from his second family.
You have every right to feel upset he doesn’t help you out at all. The lack of a gift would really hurt me. Ignore them op. They prob have loving parents and don’t have to deal with this shit.

For what it’s worth I would cut contact. I am coming from a place
Where I have cut contact with my dad though recently so probably
slightly biased. He is also a selfish t**t who hasn’t bothered getting on touch since he married a much younger woman without
Telling me and is happily putting her son through private school. He doesn’t appear to give a shot about his family anymore and am not wasting my precious time and energy on someone who doesn’t care about me and who frankly I don’t like spending time with anymore.

If you are getting nothing but negativity from this relationship then consider cutting it out. Obviously depends if you like spending time with him or not and if you get anything out of it.

eeanne · 27/07/2018 02:20

I’m on the other side - DH has a daughter from way before we met who is an adult, and our children are small. We are financially well off due to both of our careers. DSD lives in another country and we financially support her but we try to tie it to staying at uni and generally being responsible. She always asks DH for more money and he feels guilty because our children want for nothing.

BUT for both of us growing up our parents paid our living costs at uni then we were on our own. DSD thinks it’s unfair we want her to live in halls rather than with her drug addict friends who steal from her (yes this is true). She is a good girl but has bad friends and I wonder where some of this money we send is ending up. She can easily go 2 weeks not calling or texting DH then the next message will be about money.

So I guess I could easily see her writing that her rich father doesn’t give her as much as her half siblings. All I can say is it’s complicated.

LeftRightCentre · 27/07/2018 02:28

That's really patronising to assume the OP is just like a uni-aged drug user who demands money from her father, ee. Wow what a huge assumption to make. The OP is a married woman with a child. Hmm

eeanne · 27/07/2018 03:53

My DSD doesn’t use drugs! Her friends do. Learn to read Jesus. She’s a lovely girl.

longwayoff · 27/07/2018 07:16

You dont sound like a brat. He sounds like a twat. Its sad but very often children who didnt receive attention from a parent in childhood can carry the need to be acknowledged by that parent into adulthood. This rarely works as parent remains the selfish tosser he/she has always been. Try not to pursue him and to not compare his treatment of his current family with the way he treats you.

Excited0803 · 27/07/2018 07:31

Are you friends with your siblings on Facebook and have mobile numbers for contact? It's time to make sure you have a small amount of independent contact. Then cut him off for a year, without saying anything confrontational, and see how you feel over the course of that year (maybe just post a Christmas card). He might get in touch, but it sounds like he won't and that will make it easier for you to stop considering him as interested in you and your family. If he does get in touch, then he cares more than you think, so be upfront and let him fix this. If not, consider if you want to extend the no contact period or accept the tiny role he allows you to have in his life (when you ask).

Excited0803 · 27/07/2018 07:32

And yes, he's very selfish.

MapleLeafRag · 27/07/2018 08:07

That sounds like a good plan Excited to keep in touch with the siblings and see if the father bothers at all.

Sometimes it helps to reflect back the attitude you get from someone to see if they even notice!

BottleOfJameson · 27/07/2018 11:54

I wouldn't go NC in A dramatic way as it might mean you lose touch with your half siblings bit I think you're right he's a selfish dick who has been a shit dad to you.

NorthEndGal · 27/07/2018 12:01

Did you actually ask for financial help, or did you talk around it? He might have thought you just wanted someone to talk it out with, to get advice or perspective?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/07/2018 12:14

Oh come on! The OP is not being bratty or entitled to expect that her father buys his (first?) grandchild something, especially when he asked. Particularly given he clearly isn't on the breadline.

It is about the money sometimes. It can speak volumes. And this father is saying he doesn't give a shiny shit - through money and other actions.

I'd honestly cut ties OP. You and your child deserve better. He didn't even tell a friend he had more children! If I was that friend, I'd be fucking your Dad right off for that alone.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 27/07/2018 12:14

You're an adult and they are children, of course they need supporting. It's not his fault you had a child when finances were precarious not to withstand an unexpected bill. That's down to you and DH to sort not be bailed out by others.

bigKiteFlying · 27/07/2018 12:21

DH thinks i should cut ties

I'd suggest low contact - do less running round trying to see them lower expecatations. He won't change so you you need to change how you manage the situation.