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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dread telling my parents I'm pregnant

18 replies

Elderflower78 · 26/07/2018 22:33

I'm 28, been with my dp for seven years. Own our house together and both have decent jobs. I have a dd that I had from a previous relationship when I was 18....needless to say my parents were devastated and made it well known to me. I totally understand their reaction and that's not the issue here...
My sister was married and had her own house, she's got three kids. Each and every time she fell pregnant my parents reaction was awful.
Comments were made such as oh you could have had so many nice holidays together but not you can't afford to because of the dc....oh you could have spent your money on your home....oh you could have done something with your career. Basically they judge pregnancy as a fail in life rather than celebrate it.
I found out I was pregnant last weekend and we are telling dps parents tomorrow and know they will be thrilled.
I just wish my parents could actually say congratulations and hug us but I know my parents will just sit there in an awkward silence giving Each other looks and say things like well it's your life, you will be paying a fortune in childcare for all your days blah blah blah.
I've not even told them yet and I'm already fuming.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/07/2018 22:34

Send a text

BottleOfJameson · 26/07/2018 22:35

YANBU but at least you know what to expect. I'd be tempted to tell them via text message so you don't have to deal with their negativity in real time.

macdhui · 26/07/2018 22:36

How odd ! I would send a text too and say how delighted you are ....

elephantoverthehill · 26/07/2018 22:43

Will DP's parents be thrilled? If so announce it to them first.

Fi1982 · 26/07/2018 22:45

Yeah my parents always have weird reactions to news which would delight, or at the very least, be received with equanimity by other parents. I also dreaded telling mine and I cried all night with anxiety... I’m 36 🙄. For once, they confounded my expectations and were thrilled!

Not saying yours will surprise you, but maybe just stop hoping for anything different from them. I’ve realised lately that although my parents are great in some ways and I love them, they’re both a bit selfish and demanding, and they quite often ride roughshod over my feelings with their opinions. I used to hope that they would change, and try to make them; I’d argue, cajole, try to get them to see my point of view... all for nought. Ever since I stopped trying, and took a small step back and readjusted my expectations of them, they’ve stopped disappointing me. Maybe you could try the same?

It’s upsetting to know that our parents will never be all we would wish, but once you completely acknowledge that fact to yourself, you start to let go of the resentment, and the pain of not being accepted for who you are seems to lessen.

Sorry if that’s a bit garbled, it’s late and my baby never sleeps, so not do I! Huge congratulations on your pregnancy, see, I can say it even if they can’t 😄 x

Elderflower78 · 26/07/2018 22:55

Thank you fi.
I suppose they are who they are and they will always have an opinion on my actions but it doesn't matter because I'm an adult who makes her own decisions.
I'm happy so I won't let them spoil it for me. X

OP posts:
Fi1982 · 26/07/2018 23:04

Exactly, good for you! Plus once you’ve got your own little family unit, you’ll find you become more secure in your own life and position, and less likely to be as invested in what your parents think x

LookingAtTheStars89 · 26/07/2018 23:12

@Elderflower78. If you were 29 I would think we we're twins separated at birth! I too had a baby as a late teen and I have had two children since then - even though there was a sizeable gap of six years between DD 1 and DD2 and then three years between DD2 and DD3, she has always had the same, melodramatic response "What a waste" "Think of the missed job prospects" etc. She will actually cry! What makes it worse is that my golden boy brother has a DS and one on the way and it's brilliant news Confused

Now lol my husband and I are expecting another baby and I haven't told my parents yet 😂 We are 11 weeks. If we can pull it off we are going to wait until at least 16 weeks! We haven't told DH's parents either as last year we had a miscarriage and his mother had the mindset of "Just get over it" Hmm This led to a massive rift that is only just starting to be fixed so they might not find out until a bit later but I will leave them to DH!

Anxious2niteaaah · 26/07/2018 23:16

Send a text or a note, if they make comments like that then tell them that if they view your children their grandchildren as mistakes and financial drains and burdens then you will limit/cut their contact with them as you don't want your innocent baby being exposed to feeling like that...at least it will have dps parents to act as loving grandparents to it...

Elderflower78 · 26/07/2018 23:19

Lookingatthestars that's awful. No wonder you are waiting to tell them. Such a nasty response to a difficult time in your lives.

Can't help but feel that they are disappointed in how my life has panned out. I think that's where it all comes from. They are sad I'm not a big career girl who has lots of money who travels the world instead of little old me with the kids and a mundane job, having to save for fancy things.
Luckily people like us see our children as a blessing, something we are so proud of enjoy.

OP posts:
rainbowruthie · 26/07/2018 23:19

May I just say congratulations Flowers

wonderstar1216 · 26/07/2018 23:26

Perhaps wait until after your first scan? Or have you had that already? I agree with pp, send a note or a text and try not to think about them too much. Your head will be filled with positives and what to buy, and names, and telling your first child etc, really try hard not to let them put a downer on things.
We recently announced number 3 and I must say it was met with more shock and not as many congratulations as I'd hoped. Perhaps they thought 2 was enough? Regardless I've tried not to dwell on it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! 🍾💐

storynanny · 26/07/2018 23:31

My mother was just like that. I dont know why she had children as she didnt really like us mich , ee seemed a nuisance to her.
When I was pregnant the first time she sighed, 2nd time, sighed and third time said whatever are you thinking of having 3 children.
Very disappointing.
I was thrilled every time my children, nephews, step daughters announced their pregnancies.
Enjoy telling those who share your joy.

AdoraBell · 26/07/2018 23:47

Agree, send a text and let them get on with it.

Congratulations 💐

AnnieAnoniMoose · 26/07/2018 23:50

Don’t tell them. When they notice just say you didn’t much fancy their negative reaction to you and your sisters previous pregnancies, so didn’t share your GOOD news.

Mammyloveswine · 26/07/2018 23:54

My parents were the same... so much so that i didn't tell them about number 2 until 13 weeks after the scan... now they keep saying "no more" even tho I would like a third. My in laws on the other hand couldn't have been more thrilled, offer to babysit and enjoy days out.. my own parents always refuse despite living round the corner... "there's nowt as queer as folk" as they.say!

Congratulation OP! Always lovely news 😍

GruciusMalfoy · 26/07/2018 23:55

I was going to suggest the same as above, don't bother telling them, let them figure it out for themselves. Congratulations!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 26/07/2018 23:55

Many congratulations 🤗 this is wonderful news and as long as you and DP are happy and on board it really doesn’t matter what others may think.
It can be hurtful when family and loved ones can’t be happy for you, but they don’t matter, really.
If you know for sure they’re gonna be negative and shitty then tell them by text or phone. You really don’t need to be in a social situation where your great news is treated like someone just told them that someone’s just shat in the pool

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