To have told my friend this after 9 years...

[hubblebubbletoiltrouble]

Now i know that the fact i kept it to myself was wrong- but recently I told a friend of mine about her partner cheating on her (including with her cousin) in the start of their relationship 9 years ago. She said she already knew but never had it confirmed and suspected others too.

I did this because shes in an abusive relationship and Im worried for her. I told her in the hope it’d push her to leave.

He then inboxed my ex when she confronted him calling me a cunt & saying ‘she told her so much detail I couldn’t deny it’ so he intended to lie! He also once straight up lied to her about having slept with me before we met (ONS, NSA) when I’d told her we had.

Iv now lost her as a friend for nothing, which I expected to because I lied, but it still hurts I guess. I’m so worried for her too as she said he’d recently flipped & thrown something then watched her crying and picking it up. Im now obviously the problem not him & she blocked me from Whatsapp. The reason I left it so long was that he rang me threatening one night saying not to tell her & that he was serious about her and wouldnt do it again (he did).

Why did you tell her now?

When did he threaten you?

Ive written why. He threatened me back then. We were close friends.

But if she's been in an abusive relationship for 9 years then why tell her now?

I couldn't stay friends with you OP. If you really were close friends you should have told her at the time before she lost 9 years of her life with this arsehole.

It wasnt apparent then & has become increasingly so since she had her DD 4yrs ago. We live 2hrs away from each other & have since summer 2010.

You shouldn't have told her now. If you were going to tell her it should have been when you found out. Your reasoning doesn't make sense.
If you thought she should leave because she is in an abusive relationship then the abuse she is receiving now would be the reason, not the infidelity years ago.

I really don't understand your post OP

Nor me. Why inbox your ex?

You may have put her in more danger. It was a stupid thing to do.

I'm confused.
You knew this but let her stay in this relationship for 9 years.

I'm afraid even if you had good intentions, part of me would be questioning your intentions. It all seems most odd.

A) I don't understand what your intentions are
B) you could have put her in danger
C) why wait for so long if you are such a good friend?

More questions than answers from your post sorry. And if you were my friend I would ignore you too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m a bit dubious of your motives OP.

Also why did you tell her you’d had sex with him?

There was only ever one way this would turn out. I do get why you did it but you have put her at risk. Sorry, but it’s that serious.

It's utter bollocks that she should have kept quiet because she's "put her friend at risk". Absolute bollocks.

I did tell her Baked Beans. Not until a few months into our friendship when I realised she didnt know, then I told her. Then she immediately asked him away from me & he denied it.

I told her for reasons in my OP. To try to push her to leave his abusive arse. She goes on and on constantly and has for years about how bad he is and yet won't leave him. I thought it might knock some sense into her and give her the push to get free of him.

Now I feel awful because she's still with him, which I didnt forsee. So now she has more pain for no reason 😭

Sorry BakedBeans I misread. I told her because we were becoming good friends & we were at uni. Enough rumours used to fly about (like everyone knowing about her cousin but her because he thought it was funny 🤬) I was scared she'd find out and think I hid it for a reason. She knows he was a prolific player at uni, so I don't think it was a surprise- just that he lied to her.

I think there's probably some statute of limitations somewhere - cheating 9 years ago when a couple are still together is not information that needs to come out.
You know you were VU. Apologies as appropriate.

I think you did the right thing by telling her. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. If it was my dh that cheated 9 years ago, I would want to know. I wouldn't care the time. Having suspicions and doubts and getting them confirmed is a weight removed.

I wont be apologising for telling her. I didnt cheat and I had good intentions, like fuck will I apologise. I have apologised for NOT telling her sooner.

You should have left it.

Can't believe so many people saying you shouldn't have said anything.
You did the right thing. Definitely don't apologise. You're a good friend who was hoping this would finally shake her up enough to leave the cheating bastard.

Ah ok Hubble. Hope it all works out ok x

Are you sure she blocked you. I would expect he was the one to force her to block you seeing as he is so abusive.