Help me win this

[Nomad86]

Ok mumsnetters, I have a bet with my husband and I need to win. He always wins this kind of stuff so I'm cheating my arse off and asking for help...

If you've ever perused one of those magazines at the doctor's, like Chat or Take A Break, you'll know that by far the best section is the "tips" page. These are honestly the most hilarious and awful tips you have ever read in your life and the best ones win a small cash prize. Well DH and I are competing to win said riches. I need to think up the most useless and cringey tip, with accompanying tacky description. Here's a link to some corkers so you get the idea.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/ailbhemalone/25-astonishingly-useless-tips-found-in-womens-magazines

No pressure here, but he won Valentine's Day, he's not getting this too.

You can have this tip, for free.

MIL used to keep a used stocking, next to/in the sink for collecting coffee grounds or tea leaves to make tidying up more easy, lovely especially when they start going mouldy in this heat

Your MIL must be a rich lady with tips like that one.

The balloon on the car is genius!!

The funniest one I ever saw was

'Don't bother paying a fortune for a burglar alarm system, just paint an empty Quality Street tin and mount it to your outside wall. It looks just like the real thing and will be a great deterrent for burglars who won't be able to tell the difference'

It didn't look anything like the real thing and I'm pretty sure anyone with eyesight could tell the difference!

I think the worst one I ever saw was from a student.
Put 2 rashers of bacon, 2 sausages and a tin of baked beans in a bowl. Crack an egg on top. Then microwave for four minutes.
You then have a nutritious meal in record time with only the bowl to wash up.

'I was sick of toilet roll tubes being left in the bathroom so decided to make something useful out of them. Now there's no more mess and our toothbrushes are organised with this funky holder!'

...only painted & decorated with sparkly things

This is my favourite one ever. Was years ago I saw it but still think of it. Just go and buy your own slippers!

Trudeau - I'm considering a feather boa to go with the "I won" dance I'll choreograph for the occasion.

Perfect.

Have a look at the thread about "the worst thing about the hot weather is the constantly sweaty vulva". There are brilliant suggestions there about using sanitary towels to absorb underboob sweat or panty liners to protect clothing from underarm sweat.

Possibly best not to send in a photo of you modelling it though....

I could just imagine the description

"I used to get embarrassing sweat patches under my saggy tits but thanks to these panty liners, my spaniel's ears are always fresh!"

@Nomad86 could you use household garbage and/or glittery tat to fashion a feather boa?
Maybe it doubles up a a duster or something

Sad thing is Nomad that really is my utensil holder and has been for 5/6 years

One of my fave tips ever from Love It! mag was from a lady who was entertaining guests and didn't have any after dinner mints so squeezed out a tube of toothpaste onto a tray, froze it, sliced it up et voila! After dinner mints fit for an Ambassador.

Lampshade made out of old forks? In fact, any "recycled" lampshade that would logically be more expensive than just buying a lampshade.

My cat keeps losing her bell, so now I hang the bell over the catflap and she rings it every time she comes in and out?

You have to think of something you normally throw away! Then find a reason to justify not throwing it away. Then boom you have it.

Like milk bottle tops. You can glue them over cupboard handles to make a colourful and unique look for your kitchen. Or if you like a drink use bottle caps from your favourite beers and ciders.

Or toilet roll holders. You can use them as a cheap alternative to hair rollers! Look great on a budget.

Oh I made a really shitty watering can because I wasn't spending money on one as I'm too cheap. I have two plastic buckets, one has a big crack on the bottom. I fill the non cracked one with water then pour it into the one with the crack. It does a great job watering the flowers!

I'm out of inspiration now.

My favourite ever one:

When getting up and going to the toilet at night, keep one eye closed. That way, one eye will be used to the dark when you go back to bed.

Instead of throwing out old, dried up flowers, grind them up to make a floral herb mix for cooking and baking. Delicious and saves waste!

Use old hairbands to stick old cuddly toys together to create a lady gagaesque sofa throw.

If your dog keeps tracking mucky paw prints into the house, put a tray of water right outside the doggy door, so they'll wash their paws as they come in and out. That could NEVER go wrong.

If you reguarly forget your bags for life at the supermarket, try pinning them to your coat. Plus you can leave it pinned to your coat once you've bought your groceries and keep your hands free!

These are gold! Maybe you'll see me on dragons den with cardboard hair rollers.

I think I'm going to go with panty liner arm pits. Any suggestions on how to word it?

Sick of sweat patches ruining your fave tops?

Just stick pantyliners to the underarm area of the top and voila, crisp, clean and sweat patch free all year round!

Available in all good retailers, the Fanny-tary Sweat Pad is tailor-made to suit your period of heat. Simply apply to underarm, one each of course, and go about your daily business without worrying about sweat patches!

DISCLAIMER 1: ensure you have shaved before using, otherwise removal may result in even more sweat due to pain.

Top Tip for this Tip: apply them to the tops of your shoulders too so that you have little shoulder pads too!

And you can even choose your absorbency strength for those extra-moist days!

Best one I ever read was using the off cuts from a hole punch to make spotty shoes to match a dress for a wedding - like wtf?!

Save money on doorbell batteries by taking them out, and going to the door every 3 minutes to see if anyone is there.

Credit - Viz, circa 1990