WIBU to drive 170 miles and do something awful to the man that is my dads dad.

[fruitandbarley]

I refuse to call him grandad.
My dad was subjected to such an awful abusive childhood, the stories I've heard bring me to tears, but he always always has managed to be the exact opposite and a wonderful dad. The whole situation has always affexted him, along with lately the high chance that due to an accident a long time ago he may in the next few years lose his sight. This for a very active very independent man is scary and devastating. He's said if he can't see he'd rather be dead. He and my mum always used to dream of travelling round the world but my younger brother was born with problems which mean they can't leave him. As a family we had so many years suffering Trying to cope with my brother before he was eventually sectioned, then felt like we had a couple of years where things were a bit better, but now, after me Looking forward to it for a year, my lovely caring dad, dosnt feel like he can face going on our family holiday booked for Saturday. I am completely devastated. I hate his dad, it's the route cause of most issues. I can't stop crying. I was so looking forward to spending a week as a family with my daughter and husband and sister etc.. it will never be the same without my dad and I'm also going to have to call my mum tomorrow and tell her it's ok if she dosnt want to go and needs to stay with him. God! Very drunken rambling post. Sorry.

Well, driving when you're pissed would be VU, but I don't suppose you're really going to do that. Why has your lovely dad cried off the holiday? Is there any chance he will change his mind before Saturday?

Why doesn't your feel he can go?

Well since its Wednesday night I don't suppose I'll still be pissed Saturday Hirples. I would never drink drive .
I haven't spoken to him but he suffers from bad depression and has apparently said he dosnt feel up to it.

Your poor Dad. :(
You know you would be unreasonable to have any contact with his father though, however much you might want to.

I think your Dad is probably making the right decision for himself, and indeed all of you if he's in a bad way just now - is the holiday abroad, or very far from where you're living? If not, would he consider maybe turning up for a day instead of staying for the whole thing?

It's a 3 hour drive. I don't know what to do for the best. We can't all go on holiday and leave him. Equally he's not the sort of person that likes making a fuss about anything. Trying to persuade him I think would just make him feel guilty.

The best medication for depression can often be doing the very things you don't want to do, though that may go against the grain.
I wonder if he can be persuaded, if he sees how much you all want his company.

Hum.
3 hours - he'd need an overnight stay at least.

I think trying to persuade him might just add too much pressure on him, especially if he then feels he's "letting you down" by not going (probably already feels this).

If your parents were coming independently in their own car anyway, then you could suggest that he comes for one night, and if he feels he can cope ok, then stay for longer but he's free to go whenever he wants to? That takes all pressure off, lets him be free to say "this is too much, I can't cope" and he may find that he's ok to stay a bit. BUT if he feels he can't even do that, then you'll have to just accept it, I think - depression is a horrible thing to deal with, and trying to be not depressed for the sake of others is hideously draining. :(

Where is the holiday? Can you persuade him to join you for a couple of days. Once he is there he may feel less overwhelmed.

I had a similar situation where my DP, who has depression, called off a holiday on the day of travel. I went anyway with my son but it spoilt our holiday worrying if he was ok. My DP always gets agitated before we travel anywhere but always ends up having a good time. Push your dad to go with you.

If he has depression and doesn’t want to go, he can’t be forced. I’d keep saying he is welcome to go though, but if he feels guilted and goes he may not be in the best frame of mind and the holiday might not be enjoyable. Sometimes doing things you don’t want to do does help though, I have depression and struggle to go out much but when I push myself to go I do feel good about it. On the other hand, if I really don’t want to and need to do something it can affect my mood for a while. Encourage but don’t push too much and accept him not going if that’s how he feels.