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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Racism

9 replies

nandaandm · 26/07/2018 00:14

Long story but I'll try to keep it short.

I have a 7 DD with my ex partner. He and his family are racist, not to the extent of abusing people, but they do use racist words and although this wasn't the reason we split it was a contributing factor
For example, when I went to his family home, where he lives with his parents and older brother, there would always be a racist joke or comment made on a regular basis
For background, my two aunties have had children that are mixed race, one who was killed because of his gang relation, so as a family we have never used or insinuated any form of racism, plus we weren't brought up like that. Grandparents were Italian and also suffered racism in the 1950s.
A few weeks back, me, exp and DD were travelling to an event and were listening to Kiss FM, a rap song came on that we sang along to, and in the break my exp made up his own rap that contained the N word.
I was furious, shouted him down and told him to never use that language if front of us ever again. He went quite and looked ashamed, I thought I had made my point clear.
Tonight, my DD and I are discussing our holiday to Egypt, who we'll meet, what we'll do etc and are very excited as it's only 2 sleeps away.
My DD then comes out with this.
" My Dad said I'm not to listen or take notice of anyone who is black or brown"
As you can expect, I'm furious, I tell her off and possibly put the fear of god in her regarding what will happen if I ever hear her speak like that again.
I know it's from his family, she couldn't and wouldn't make that up.
So AIBU in that I've text him to tell him that if I ever hear anything remotely similar from her, I will stop contact with him and his racist family.
I'm fuckin livid
He hasn't replied.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 26/07/2018 00:50

I think you need to explain why it's wrong. I don't think you should have been livid with her. It's not her fault.

Ill get flamed here. But yes I would stop contact with your racist ex and his family if in any way possible.

ManyCrisps · 26/07/2018 00:51

Why did you punish her for repeating something he told her? However I agree that your DD shouldn’t see him anymore if he continues to brainwash her with his racist views.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2018 00:55

" My Dad said I'm not to listen or take notice of anyone who is black or brown"
As you can expect, I'm furious, I tell her off and possibly put the fear of god in her regarding what will happen if I ever hear her speak like that again.

Hindsight is great but I think I might have tried to say, "what do you think about that? Do you think that's OK? What about Mr. Smith/Mohammed at school/insert person they like and respect?"

Having the child question racism and authority that is wrong is sometimes more effective than just trying to insert another authority.

73kittycat73 · 26/07/2018 00:58

, I'm furious, I tell her off and possibly put the fear of god in her regarding what will happen if I ever hear her speak like that again.

I don't think that was fair - She was only repeating what she was told and can't understand yet I'm sure? You should have gently explained to her why it was wrong and saved your ire for ex-DP!

Seasawride · 26/07/2018 01:03

You Handled the situation with your dd badly and need to sort that out.

You can’t change her dad but by yelling and threatening her you are as bullying.

Hsve s chst with her tomorrow, ask her to forgive you ranting.

They do sound vile op but you need to be the reasonable alternative

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 26/07/2018 01:08

Right, so basically exp and his family are a bunch of small minded, ignorant bigots.
Don’t get angry with DD for repeating what she’s heard, she like a sponge at that age.
Make sure she understands why what they say is inappropriate and wrong. Be open and vocal about understanding and acceptance.
The tell your ex to fuck right off with his nauseating shite, honestly what a complete wanker

FarFlungFairy · 26/07/2018 01:16

How the fuck is this DD’s fault? She’s relayed to you what her dad told her not declared her undying love for the BNP and requested Klan membership!
Focus your anger on her prick of a dad, stop contact now before it’s too late.

nandaandm · 26/07/2018 06:39

I was.furious, but with him. I did tell tell her off and she knows why it's wrong. But I didn't scream and shout at her. Anyway thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
ManyCrisps · 26/07/2018 16:21

Also because you told her off she may be unlikely to tell you what racist views her dad has shared because she is worried about your reaction.

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