Husband repeatedly late home we've 2 dc

[allure81]

I work 4 days a week. My husband works full time. Today I was working later than him and when I asked him could he pick the dc up by 7 he said he could but not earlier due to meetings ect so I'd asked my childminder would she mind keeping dc to 7. I then get a text saying he's going to be really late home (still not home) and I'd have to leave work early to get them. Last week I was off work but had plans and he was late home from work again and I had to cancel as I couldn't take dc with me. My job is just as important to me but he earns almost 3 times more my salary and feels as the main earner I should be more flexible when it comes to juggling work and childcare although we both agreed to have dc. I'm in my job 12 years so not something I want to walk away from. There are other times he's late home too but this is twice in one week. Funnily enough he's never late home on the days he has his hobby. AIBU or should I just suck it up?

Nope he IBU. If it was agreed he would be picking up the kids I would definitely say if he's wanting to change the plan he should be the one to find the solution - you're not available. Next time he does it I would just tell him he has to let the childminder know himself; or better yet just turn your phone off! It's totally his problem IMO.

I didn't even reply to his text which is worst. In other ways he's a brillant husband/dad but I just feel very much taken for granted cos I don't earn the big money.

I know a little about what you are going through. My DH earns 6 times my salary and often comes come at 8-9pm having left the house at 8am. However if I want to do something (I’m only ‘allowed’ one evening) he does stick to this and comes home early. The annoying thing is I have to ask for this to happen and it’s only once a week.

It is not on that he backed out and you had to cancel.

Tobebythesea husband keeps telling me I need to do something like a hobby but what's the point if I can't rely on him to even pick up his kids at a certain time.

Hi OP.

I had a similar situation with my DH but the other way round. I earn about 3 times what he does and my job had no flexibility. Well one way flexibility in that I got in early and stayed late. His job was flexible (public sector) but very important and I leant on him a lot and did take his flexibility for granted. It culminated in a row where he accused me of thinking my job was more important than his. I was mortified, I never thought that, but him bringing it to my attention in such a stark way made me sit up and take notice and I've pulled my weight a lot more since then.

If he's a brilliant husband/dad, can you just have a gentle word with him about the importance of your job and how you feel.

You are not being unreasonable. Have you asked him why he is able to get out of work when he’s got his hobby?

I think you should instigate a rule where on his pick-up nights, he has to arrange alternative childcare where needed.

What would happen if you simply said no immediately to these texts? Just, 'No, I won't be leaving work early, you will need to pick up the DC as agreed.' Just say no - he can bring his laptop home if he's so bothered.

By the way, I hate to suggest it but is there any possibility of an affair or are you certain he's working? No spider senses tingling or recent change in behaviour? I hope not, just asking.

I feel angry for you. It’s so disrespectful.

Funnily enough he's never late home on the days he has his hobby

This is the key point. He can prioritise when leaving in time is important to him.

You need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this.

I feel your pain. My dh leaves early in the morning and isn’t home till 9/10pm most nights. He always finds time for a pint with the guys or to go to the gym but it’s drama if I need him to be home early for something. He earns triple what I do so I have to suck it up and deal with all child care issues. I am always expected to stay home with sick kids because my work is really nice about needing time off. Can you just tell him you can’t leave work?

@Poodles1980 why do you have to suck it up? You don't have to tolerate his attitude - it's not the attitude of a respectful partner. What happens when you challenge him on it?

We had this when we both worked FT. He used the ‘I earn more than you’ card too. It was a nightmare and I used to dread it when it was clear neither of us were going to be able to get away on time for the DC. I was regularly the last one picking up from nursery etc. I hated working FT and it just didn’t work for us as a family. I now work PT and it is so much better. It still annoys me my DH has basically got away with it, but his career is what pays our mortgage and I’m lucky mine works well on a PT basis. It’s definitely for everyone and I know how frustrating it is to be in your situation!