AIBU or being sensible

[jobjobjob]

Dsis lives in NZ, cones over every few years. She came over around five years ago (has been over since) and I arranged for a hotel stay for a few of us to attend a concert.

She does have MH issues but I don't think this is an excuse. Long story short she physically attacked me and totally refused to leave MY room. The hotel wasn't that far from home so in the end I called a cab and left. She never really apologised for this and soon after she suffered severe depression and it was all swept under the carpet.

She's coming again and wants to attend another event again with the same 4 of us. This time I would not be able to travel home and it'll involve alcohol (as did last time) and she's not good with alcohol. When she's been drinking she clearly doesn't like me (I don't suppose she likes me when she's sober but can keep that under control!). She's insistent we must all go together as are the others, I think this is a bad idea and don't want to go. The others think it's because I haven't moved on (possibly true) but I just don't want to be in that position again and so far from home.

I think IANBU to say no, I'm happy to see her for a day/night locally so I can escape but not away from home with the thought she can kick off again.

AIBU?

No absolutely not. Why should you have to put your personal safety risk (at worst) or even just feel uncomfortable the whole time (at best), because she insists on it. To pull out a great MN staple, ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

Sorry the am I being sensible bit is that I think I'm saving her from herself, if she dislikes me that much I don't want to put her in a position she's likely to have an issue!

YADNBU

Why should you go just because that’s her desire?
Her desire is to have fun and also pretend everything is normal and nothing bad happened before.

Your desire is self preservation.

You don’t have to make a big show of it.
No I’m not going to the concert. When alcohol is in the mix her/your behaviour is unpredictable and I’d rather not go through that again.

Moving on does not mean allowing the thing to happen again.

Thanks for the replies, it's just that everyone just wants it to "all be alright" again. They think my going will mean that it is. But it'll just be a cover up for me, if that makes sense?

I would not go. Why put yourself in that position. Its easy for the others to insist you go if it didn't happen to them.

Will there be other opportunities for you to meet with her. Not suggesting you go NC but I am suggesting you don't feel on edge or vulnerable.

@KC225 I'm happy to meet for a day/evening closer to home, something I can leave from.

I would just keep saying you don't wish to go.

YANBU
Absolutely no.
Just because everyone else wants you to forget it and sweep it under carpet, it doesn't mean you have to. You didn't call police and get her arrested. What more do they want? Domestic violence is also something people want swept under the carpet, blame the victim for not keeping quiet?! Then later for staying?

You're anxious about a repeat . The arrangements don't work for you, you have every right to remove or minimise the risk to yourself. Regardless of mental health and drink it isn't any form of excuse to assault or abuse you or anyone! I'm.surprised you'd actually want to see her again at all.

Don't go or make alternative safe arrangements. Tbh I wouldn't go. I'm a bit at your other so called friends reactions too. Do they know the whole story? I'm sure if it was them on receiving end, they'd expect different.

Sorry, just reread OP & it was your Dsis. And was it you, her and partners /your family, or was it you her and 2 friends?
Either way you do know this is / was domestic abuse?

YANBU

If you go, stay somewhere else nearby and don't tell anyone where. That way you can escape if you need to.

Suggest a day event with limited alcohol or a day out where they can go out later and you can bail to somewhere else.

I think you need to be polite and fair: 'After last time I'm not happy being in a situation with lots of alcohol. We can do this, this or this. Let me know'

@Whereismumhiding2 it's me, DSIS, DSIL and friend.

I'm glad people don't think IABU, it's good to hear.

Ah, thanks for clarifying @jobjobjob

Dsis sounds a loose & aggressive canon towards you when she drinks. YADNBU.
Good advice above. Dsis is very lucky you'd ever want to see her again. So YANU to only agree with arrangements that are suitable and safe for you. Other people, even family members and close friends, really ought get no say in deciding for you.

YADNBU - it's you who'd have to endure the nastiness, fall out, and consequences not the people setting the expectations.

There are people I don't meet when alcohol is involved - doesn't matter what their intentions are, their actions get out of control very quickly.

Great thanks my decision is final!