Love and marriage

[Crankywitch]

Aibu to consider leaving my lovely husband because of long-term weight problem? He's lovely but he's also very resistant to dealing with his morbid obesity. He says he'll do something but he never does. I've tried everything to help him! It massively impacts our sex life. What should I do?

How was his weight when you first met? And how is your weight?

Has he sought medical help?

Have you offered to 'help' him? Does he refuse to start or fall off the wagon.

His weight was perfect when I first met him. We're together 10 years and he put on about a stone every year for the first 8 years. I've begged him to get medical help but he's very dismissive of it. He reckons he knows more. He did lose lots of weight before I ever knew him so he did know a lot about weight loss once upon a time.

People who are very overweight often have eating disorders and find it very hard to face them. It’s not as simple as just ‘lose weight’ or everyone would no problems. Are you concerned for his health? You say you’ve tried everything to help him, what has that entailed? Are you a healthy weight?

Yes I'm a healthy weight. I put on
about a stone following his diet but then I lost it. It's true about an eating disorder, he doesn't binge he just eats too much. As far as what have I tried, it's more that I've suggested a million different ways he could lose weight. Eg I just sent him an article from new York Times about eating only within a 12 hour window. I've found nutritionists and specialised doctors for him but he's never attended

Sounds like he's decided to go down a certain path. You'll have to decide if you want to walk it with him or not.

The more you nag him the more he’s going to feel rebellious against weight loss.

There must be a reason he is eating so much- if he is morbidly obese he's literally killing himself with food. I don't think diets, nagging (sorry I hate that word but you know what I mean) or threatening to leave will help.
Could you try sitting down and talking to see if he's ok and if he wants to talk? Tell him how worried you are about him and how upset you are at the thought of losing him. He should probably see a professional but that will only happen if he comes to the decision himself.

Yes I have done lots of those serious conversations. They usually go well. But then on the other hand I nag all the time, it's totally destructive but I can't stop. I'm so disturbed by it. I'm frantic.

As a pp said, the more you nag him, the more he'll dig his heels in.

Would he go for a health check? Maybe he would listen to the GP.

How is he putting on this weight? Is he cooking/shopping, is it snacks unhealthy eating at work? Is it beer? Can you see a pattern?

Thanks for the goodwill here. I particularly like the point that I need to consider will I walk the road with him. I've sent him to the doctor, the doc made the same noises. None of this is news for him. The pattern, without a shadow of a doubt is too much rich food. Too much of everything. It's not junk food but way too much meat, cheese, pasta, cream etc etc

I know with me and my husband one thing that makes us overeat is not having a lot of sources of joy in our life to distract us from food. Does he have hobbies that take him away from eating at all? We recently got into cycling and it's a great way to spend time and it's not really feasible to eat while doing it. Sadly because we don't have a trailer yet we can't take the babies so I have plenty of time when I am looking after them to eat too much but once we get a trailer I'm hoping we spend so much time out and about we hardly find the time to eat anymore (and all that cycling will also burn lots of calories so that when we do we end up using the food we eat!)

Its so easy when bored or stressed or tired to go to the cupboard for a little pick me up in the form of a sandwich or some cheese or whatever.

Getting into hipster coffee and tea instead is also a good distraction because then instead of making a sandwich we can make a pour over which has the whole ritual element and is a good way to calm down and then when you drink it perk up.

You can't just take away the pleasure that comes with eating, it needs to be replaced with something. And realistically that has to come from inside him, only he can figure out what gives him joy and if you've been on at him about his weight he'll feel defensive hearing it from you.

Nail on the head, DieAntword, there's nothing in his life beyond work. When I met him he had lots of interests

there's nothing in his life beyond work There's you.

Why do you think he's lost all the other interests?

We had kids together. They're a joy these days but the first 5 years were very hard on both of us, serious illness, poverty, unemployment. It all took its toll. Life is easy now but he's fallen into an old deep rooted pattern and he has little commitment to change it. He's got me but I'm hard work at the best of times

He's got me but I'm hard work at the best of times Well if that's true, could your situation be a major cause of this?

I might sound annoyingly circular here but a large reason why I'm hard work is because he is morbidly obese and our sex life is severely curtailed

Exactly.

How many years has this been going on OP?

I understand how hard it is to give up on something.

I'm very much like your husband , but not as overweight I don't think.

As a man, it is very difficult (for some ridiculous reason ) to confront and deal with a weight issue.

My partner 'nags' me, but only because she doesn't want me to drop dead and leave our child without a father , let alone the impact it would have on her.

The problem is, the more I get 'nagged' about it , the more resistant I become. It's like my weight is my defiance, my individuality, the thing I can stick two fingers up to the world at. For what seems like a simple enough issue to change, it is incredibly psychologically complicated.

I know all about food and healthy eating. I know about portion sizes and exercise. The problem is there is a bigger voice somewhere saying ' fuck that, have a sausage sandwich pal '.

The only thing I can think of is that I need something else to give me the same hit, the same feeling of satisfaction as the food does. When I find it and start to get my self esteem back I reckon I'm 80% there.

As for your husband..does he have a hobby that would help him exercise more? there's a 'man v fat ' 5 a side football initiative just started for overweight football fans. Maybe he has an overweight friend that he can challenge to lose weight for charity ?

I wonder if losing weight was a more ' manly' thing to do , it would be easier somehow? . Maybe I'm talking rubbish.

Good luck anyway.

Unless he gets help and loses the weight, leave him.
Otherwise, in so many years, you will end up his carer, managing the numerous health problems he is likely to have.
You will not have any life.

No Bobbydeniro, I think you're dead right. I think it's a defiance thing, the only vestige of control he has left. I think he's found having kids to be very difficult on his freedom. Losing weight for a challenge is a good one, I think youre right about it not being manly, I think if it was considered manly he would find it a more interesting challenge. As it is its more fuck that I'll have a sausage sandwich.