To be angry with MIL?

[Binkyboo16]

Sorry if this ends up a long post I just need to know if IABU?

I have had some minor issues with MIL for some time now, nothing major but I get the feeling she doesn’t like me but won’t say anything to keep the peace. Fair enough, we are polite and civil to one another and I am always accommodating when we see her. She lives just over an hour away and a good majority of the time I have always made the effort to travel to her so she can see my DD. I have recently just had DD2 but am getting very annoyed by how little of an attempt she makes with the kids. I don’t think I would be as bothered so much if she didn’t use them as a platform for her social media to make it look like she is the perfect grandparent! She will go months without seeing them, won’t bother to call or text to see how they are doing and when she does see them she spends all of about 20 minutes interacting with them (usually long enough to get her pictures with them) my DD1 is 2 years old and will not go to her willingly and I feel like I have to force her to give cuddles etc because she has no bond there at all. To top everything off SIL has just announced her pregnancy and MIL is all over social media stating how excited she is to meet her grandchild when it is born, the way it was put was making it seem like it is her first grandchild.

Aibu? I feel like a lot of this comes from her not being particularly fond of me but surely as an adult she should put this aside to not impact my children? TIA

Please don’t force your child to cuddle a virtual stranger, it’s not what a child should learn. I think you may have to accept that she’s just not as interested in your child as her own daughter’s.

We have a very similar situation - I completely sympathise. My children have been completely dropped by my in laws because their daughter (my Sil) has had her third child. Her other two children are grown up and were raised by my Mil and Pil because Sil relied on them constantly. It makes me angry too but I realised that anger isn’t a useful emotion. I ended up speaking to my in laws and outpouring my feelings. They are now making a bit of an effort with the children. Maybe ask dh to speak to yours too? Hope it gets better for you 💐

I have a bit of empathy for MIL here. There is obviously a frosty atmosphere between you and it sounds like she’s probably very aware of your boundaries as a result. MN is full of complaints about overbearing MILs turning up all the time and giving unsolicited advice or forcing kisses and physical contact on reluctant children. It feels sometimes MILs can’t do right for wrong. If they’re too interested, they’re overbearing and suffocating. If they give privacy, don’t force themselves on children or demand daily updates they’re slated for being uninterested.

Also, where is your own mother in this? If she is alive and you get along, how involved has she been in your pregnancy and birth and child rearing? Now have a think if you would feel as comfortable letting your MIL have as close involvement in all of those as you do your MIL.

Of course it is a different dynamic when your daughter has a baby than it is when a son does. A daughter often wants to have her mother closely involved with every aspect whereas when your DIL is pregnant a good MIL will be aware of boundaries and privacy and respectful of the fact it’s not just their unborn grandchild involved, but also their DIL who will be feeling vulnerable and protective of her privacy. Would you have felt happy if she had given a blow by blow FB account of your pregnancy?

Maybe try and have a bit of empathy and understanding that her own DDs pregnancy is going to be a little bit different because she is far closer to her daughter than she is to you, and that the boundaries are very different when a DD is pregnant in comparison to a DIL.

Thank you all for your replies, sometimes it’s nice to know it’s not only you going through a situation like this or similar. My partner actually agrees with me and is getting frustrated with MIL as he too sees that she only visits when she has been practically begged to see him and his kids. He has spoken to her before about making more of an effort but somehow he then ends up the bad one and has to apologise. I feel for him too as he was always close to his mother beforehand it just seems to have deteriorated since we have had DD1.

My own mother is alive and absolutely dotes on my children. That being said she has had no more opportunities to be in their lives than what MIL has, however, I am an only child so these are all the grandkids she is going to get so perhaps makes more of an effort due to that.
I never made anything awkward for my MIL, the challenging feeling were started by her, when she suddenly started acting oddly towards me. E.G me and DD1 were not invited to her birthday because DD was ‘too young’ and the family wouldn’t be able to enjoy the day with the restrictions she would bring (they went for a meal nothing she couldn’t have gone to) or asking for family photos and then asking me not to be in it yet BIL’s partner was fine to be there. There is a big difference between wanting to keep to someone’s boundaries and completely sidelining her grandchildren that she already has because SIL is currently pregnant.

Should I just accept that this is the way it’s going to be now and just prepare my children for the fact that she won’t be around much?

Unfortunately I think you need to stop begging her for attention. Sadly nothing is going to change - your dh has already asked and her behaviour has continued.

I totally get where you’re coming from - my ILs literally drove past the end of our road regularly and NEVER came in to see Ds1 (at the time their only gc. Fil has never met ds2 - their second gc)

Mil is now only interested in interacting if she can get a photo.

I do encourage Ds1 to cuddle her (ds2 is only 1 and very clingy) but after reading ^ I’m not sure that’s the right approach either.

The trouble is that you can’t change people. But what you can change is the way you react. So instead of asking for her to show your beautiful dc love and attention and affection, just don’t. Focus on the wonderful people in your lives and ignore the miserable trout. Because she’s the one missing out, not you

If there is going to be favouritism, keep away. SIL’s children will outrank yours.

No need to prepare your DDs, just keep away. They dont miss what they have never had.

Similar here.

I have removed myself from the situation and let DH deal with them-he takes them to visit every few weeks. My dcs never stood a chance once SIL had her DC and PIL see more of them than they ever did of mine despite us living 20 mins away compared to their 2 hours!

It’s their loss-they don’t get to see how wonderful my dcs are or spend any quality time with them. I also have the photo opportunity thing too. Also, any that I send to my DH invariably go to them so they can see them at their best/activities etc. They can then play the doting grandparents on social media and in RL to their friends and family

I involved her with my wedding and both pregnancies because of the difficulties of distance for her own DD and it feels like she and FIL have just thrown that all back in my face.

Sadly, it’s best to expect nothing else from them. You will probably only end up being disappointed as will your dc.

You need to drop the rope, really. It sounds as if she just wants to use your kids as a photo op to play NOTY.

You might see if there is a lovely senior or senior couple in your community who could be "adopted grandparents" to your kids.