AIBU to be fuming that my mum left cigarettes in ashtray and 2yo has clearly watched her smoke

[WhyTheHeckMe]

I have a 2yo ds and a baby. My mum has smoked most of her life but managed to quit about 5 years ago for a few years. I was so pleased but had heard through family she was back on them in recent months. Totally down to her but I was disappointed to say the least and made it clear I didn't want her to smoke around my 2 young boys

On Saturday night she had them overnight and for the first time

Today we have been to visit and ds (age 2) walked into the garden, up to her ash tray and picked up a nub end and pretended to smoke it.
He then shouted yakky and wiped his mouth, smearing black from the cigarette over his face. His fingers stank so I stomped off to clean him up. My mum didn't say anything and i didn't raise it with her but I did say later on in front of her "you're not allowed to play in the garden anymore as I don't want you near the ashtray im afraid"
I'm so upset that my mum has been smoking around him. Nobody else ever does and although I get people smoke I just think it's inconsiderate.
I will not be telling dh about this as I think he'd say the boys can't go anymore after hearing he had access to used cigarettes!
Am I being hugely unreasonable to be so pissed off about this?

You are probably being a bit OTT, but I completely agree with you. Revolting and you asked her not to smoke in front of your DC,which she has clearly ignored.
Why didn’t you say anything to her? I’m with your DH on this. She’d have to promise not to smoke within your DC’s sight before I’d let her babysit again.

Is it inconceivable that he's seen someone else smoke? Maybe in the street?

I think you're being a bit ott

A bit ott, he’s going to see people smoking in his life. She was clearly doing it outside as well to try and minimise any secondhand smoke. It’s really grim that he picked up an old fag butt though and I’m not surprised you’re upset about that.

A bit OTT but not unreasonable to ask relatives not to smoke around children. Yes, I know we all lived but the risks of passive smoking are known now so why would you take the risk?

She has smoked in the garden while babysitting your children?

Yabu I'm afraid. She was in her own garden not trapped in a room with doors and windows shut forcing them to inhale her smoke.

It's pretty inevitable that he will see someone smoking and see tabs lying around the street. You can't stop him knowing about smoking forever.

You can't expect a smoker to go all night without a cigarette. If she doesn't usually smoke in front of him I would assume she did it after bedtime.And I would be grateful it wasn't in the house.

Seems a bit immature to try and and send a message to your mum by telling your child not to play in the garden.

I would have said 'don't touch that ds. Not for children. Mum, Can you be more careful where you leave the ashtray'

Nicotine posisoning from chewing a butt can be fatal at that age.

I think you are utterly bonkers.
Of course it’s not nice he picked it up. But I think this needs getting in to prospective. Not allow a child around to a grandparents because they smoke in the garden? Good god

LML83 has it right. Just a simple, “no, not for kids and mum, please don’t leave them where he can get them”

U sure it wasn't after they'd gone to bed so not around them?

YABU and completely overreacted.
I was expecting your DM to have been smoking in the house or leaning out of a window or something. But in the garden?!

Are you going to be behaving like this every time you go out and about?

And to punish your child by not allowing him in the garden as there is a (presumably moveable) ashtray there is ridiculous.

Your mum can smoke in her own garden if she pleases, of course you don't have to let your DC go to her house but won't they miss out then? What do you think will happen if your DC see her smoke, I don't get the big deal myself.

OP, with all due respect, your DS is going to see smoking in his life. It's not a big deal.

He'll see sex before he does it for himself too. Seeing things is ok. It's an opportunity for education.

I wouldnt dream of smoking in front of my gd, but have smoked in garden and washed my hands properly straight after. My ds has no problem with this. I think you are overreacting.

She obviously managed to raise you, is what I always remind myself whenever I may question the parenting methods of my kids grandparents.

Smoking is gross. Course it is. My mother is a chain smoker, but not one of her kids smokes. We saw smoking constantly and suffered the hell that is being the child of a smoker (being bullied for being smelly throughout school is so sad and I don’t think smokers realise how awful this is for their kids. It’s universal). But.......you acted OTT. You also punished your child by making a passive aggressive point to your mother. She’s a smoker. Seeing it won’t damage your child. It was outside.

If she smoked in the garden then yabu

Okay, thank you. IABU then she was in the garden and yes I'm pissed off that he picked it up but I agree I acted wrong by saying he couldn't play in the garden. Thanks for confirming I was OTT. I will still not be telling DH though!

I wouldn’t want smoking around my 2 year old so no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if she has been. But, you don’t know that she definitely did smoke in front of him. She might have done it during the evening and been careless with the ends (that in itself was bad enough) However, it might have been better to have had a proper discussion rather than talking about the garden being off-limits.

Well done, OP!
So refreshing to see your attitude and read your response in that you agree YWBU!

Great response OP. Well done!