I cannot forgive my father’s affair.

[NCDad]

My father had an affair when I was a child. My mother told me about the affair as they split up for a short period, and it then dawned on me that he had taken me on days out and introduced me to OW whilst the affair was ongoing. My mother got back with him for financial reasons and he was a presence in our home throughout my childhood. I have never forgiven him, even 20 years later I still have a lot of resentment towards him.

Our relationship suffered and we have never been close since that time. I was a very difficult teenager, a massive part of that being because of his affair, and we had a very tumultuous relationship.

Has anyone successfully been able to forgive or move past situations like this? And if so, how?

Not exactly a similar situation to you OP but I recently restarted counselling as I've realised I haven't forgiven my farther's affair either.

I thought I had come to terms with it but it affected me deeply - I was 13 and found out before anyone else. A positive though is I would fight to the death for my marriage and never commit adultery as I saw the damage it did.

I hope you find your peace xx

I did forgive my Dads affairs but we were NC for almost 2 years including a brief period he and my Mum got back together.
He had multiple affairs but in the end left my mum for the woman he is still with today.
Both my parents are much happier and nicer people when they aren't together. As an adult I've learnt life isn't always perfect and we all make mistakes. My focus is to ensure that my life and marriage is a happy one and that we work through issues together and most importantly not blame my parents, .My relationship, my choices. Their lrelationship, their choices.

My Dad had an affair when I was in my early teens. I’m the eldest of four siblings, the second eldest sibling knows, the two youngest do not know.

I can’t forgive him (other sibling has, although that’s because he can’t keep it in his trousers either!), I sat with my DM night after night and tried my best to support her and look after my siblings but it was so, so hard.

He came back in the end, but it was never the same. Ever. Even now after 33 years and my DM passing away, I still can’t look at him like I used to.

Many marriages of 30+ years duration will have been rocked by infidelity at some point.
Those 90 year old couples in the news celebrating their 70th anniversary? Chances are he was cheating with a French woman while fighting abroad in ww2 while his wife was having it away with a GI in the blackout.
A long marriage is hard to maintain and people do get tempted.
I was one of those who said I'd never cheat but when I got to age 45 I did just that. And I wanted to be forgiven.
If you can't forgive maybe you should be honest with your dad. Maybe his response to that will surprise you and give you a way forward to heal the relationship.
Otherwise it's probably best to go NC. There's no point in in having a relationship with someone you have so much resentment for.

My dad had an affair
I found out when I was a teen... it turned out his mistress was my mum and my sibling and I are a result. Very distressing to be the secret hated family. But bloody awful to be the ones cheated on. No one wins

fdgd “But I don't trust him, I wouldn't go to him with a problem, and I look at every decision he makes about his life through the lens of "Who's pants is he trying to get into now". Essentially I don't feel I have a father, he's more like a mate who you haven't got on with for a long time, but you're still civil to because it makes life easier for everyone else.”
For me that is a perfect description of how I feel about my father. You’ve put it in to words better than I’ve ever been able to.

My father had an affair when I was a young teenager, which almost caused them to split up. (Although I didn't find out that was the reason until my mum told me when was in the process of dying several years later. At the time my mum was effectively having an 'emotional affair' with what would later become her partner, I overheard a phonecall and reacted, and Pandora's box opened.)

I've forgiven both of them now. I think it was harder to forgive my father, because I was never able to have it out with him the way I was with my mum. And yet, perhaps that also made it easier, because he could never block a conversation the same way your father did.

I think what really shifted it for me was going through a period where I found myself, completely unexpectedly, drawn intensely to another man outside my marriage to my DH, who I love to pieces. Because of my family experiences I was absolutely terrified that I might cheat and really hard on myself, it was awful. Took some counselling to learn to forgive myself for having those feelings, and, though it might sound odd, it was in forgiving myself for them that I was able to realise that I could continue to not act on them, and step away completely, because that's what I actually wanted. (Ironically, the kind of men I'm drawn to are remarkably like my father - cold and ultimately unable to give me the kind of love which my DH does give me, but which I sometimes still struggle to receive because it feels so unfamiliar - and like it might be taken away.)

And I think in learning to have compassion for myself in this situation made it a lot easier to forgive him in the end. Because I realised that maybe, he just wasn't able to manage whatever turmoil was inside him at the time of his affair enough to step away. (Hurt people hurt people.)

That said, I think it's also true that sometimes we forgive for our sake rather than the other person's sake. We can choose to forgive because the anger that's still inside us ultimately hurts us the most (especially if there is no opening for direct repair with the person). I had to accept and forgive myself the pain that I still felt about my relationship with him in order to let go of that anger.

Sorry this turned into such a long ramble, hope at least some part of it may be helpful. And I hope you find what you need for yourself to let go of some of that pain.