To be irritated by my mum.

[Rainfallrainbow]

My mum got a lot of support from my grandparents when we were young. Frequent babysitting, sleepovers, Sunday dinners for us all as a family, my nan would take us to and from school and give us tea 5 days a week, she would do my mum’s washing and ironing, etc. Even after my nan died, my grandpa continued to do my mum’s washing and ironing for her.

My grandparents died some years ago now, and I now have children of my own. In the 11 years I’ve been married, we’ve been invited for Sunday lunch once. My eldest had a sleepover once but had to come home as she couldn’t settle, my mum looks after my two children for a total of 2 hours a week (collecting them from after school club twice a week, and taking them back to our house). On those days (1 hour per day, twice a week) she heats up whatever meal I’ve let for them, but leaves the kitchen looking like a bombsite in the progress.

She always comes to us for Xmas, but just turns up in time for lunch, and leaves once the food is done. When we have birthday celebrations, she turns up in time for the food, then leaves without helping tidy up.

It’s not that I expect her to offer any more help/support BUT AIBU to be irritated that she took SO much off my grandparents in the way of support and help but now doesn’t give anything much to her own children in return?

Because her mum did a lot for her doesn't mean she is indebted to you.
If you wish she did more to help you out or be with her grandchildren more then you're entitled to feel how you feel but the idea that she should feel obliged to do these things because her mum did them is wrong.

Sometimes, especially of older generations, women had kids because it was expected of them. I am 60 and I was considered abnormal as I didn't have children.

Perhaps your Mum doesn't really like kids and the grandparents were happy to help out. My Mum had children despite having little maternal instinct. I can relate to that.

When I was at school, I couldn't do technical drawing because it was a boys only subject. I was declined an interview for a job as they "didn't employ women". It is often forgotten how far women have progressed over the last 40 plus years.

I don't think she's obliged to help you but it would kill her to take a turn hosting Xmas lunch for a change.

Your mum does two hours more childcare a week than my mum ever has. My parents have never had DC on their own, they love them in their own odd way. I don’t feel bitter, it is what it is and I hope to be a more hands on grandparent one day.

Your mum is an individual, you can’t judge her because she got help but isn’t particularly helpful.

No way is she obliged to help. You are putting your grans way onto your mum and that’s not fair.

As she had so much help she almost certainly took it for granted and has no idea how hard it can be to manage without help. Not defending her you understand just being realistic.

She sounds a bit pathetic OP. A grown adult with kids who's parents did all her washing and ironing for her?! Bloody hell. How does she cope now they're no longer around?

As she never had to do a great deal for her own children, the difficulties of juggling work and children are probably not even on your DM’s radar ... she had life made easy for her by her parents, which has apparently made her rather selfish/thoughtless.

I feel you. I even spent a lot of time with great-grandparents growing up, so 7 adults helping my parents. And a few years we went overseas to family, who even had full-time household employees to add to it!

My mother whinged about childcare then, and doesn’t lift a finger with grandchildren in her turn, now. I think I’d be ok with it, if she didn’t moan to everyone how she longs for more family closeness and connection, as we are doing her out of it. WTF?? We were close with our oldies because they were always around, they knew us intimately. They knew our routines, preferences, challenges from BEING AROUND HELPING.

You can’t realistically hope to cherry-pick ‘just the fun bits’ with kids, for a half hour every few weeks. Well, you can, but don’t expect mums like us to spend what tiny leisure time we have sending you updates, pics and duty invites. Ain’t gonna happen.

I’ll likely get flamed but I’m convinced it’s a particularly Baby Boomer trait. Maybe half the friends we have, have this with their Boomer parents. The other half have gorgeous involved grandmas that make me weep with envy. Some of these grannies are more interested in my kid than my own mum, bless em. I’m glad that at least my kid will have some kind of role-model for this.

I think you can be sad about your mum, but it’s wasted energy feeling hard-done-by. They just don’t have the empathy, never will.

OP - she didn't parent you - your GP did. Therefore she has no insight to what being a parent or GP is, and so it wouldn't even cross her mind to be helpful