AIBU to ask if anyone else feels like they are a failure?

[TheWonderfulCat]

I never ended up getting any degrees. In school when I told my dad I wanted to be a doctor he said I was too stupid. Then when I was in highschool I was bullied mercilessly and dropped out before I killed myself. I just saw the other day that the girl who bullied me is now a doctor.

I feel like my life is ruined even though I'm married and have a stable job. Has anyone else felt that?

Sorry for the sob story, didn't want to drop feed

You need to take everything into account when you evaluate yourself. Not only were you bullied (at school and by your father), this meant you were also deprived of the opportunity to learn social skills, learn how to get on with people, yet you have still managed to build a relationship and marry - that's quite some achievement. You have a stable job, which is something a great many people never achieve.

The feeling of failure comes from within, not from any objective assessment. There's a fair chance that even with a degree and a high flying job you would still feel a failure. Try to train yourself into looking at the good things about you not the bad. It's difficult. Sometimes it helps to think what you would say to a friend if she came to you with the same feelings.

I'm sorry you feel that way. What about your life would you like to change - and is any of this possible?

And remember that even though the bully may now be a doctor, her private life may wall be a mess, and she may be feeling just as much a failure as you do.

I have 2 degrees and doing a doctorate. Still feel a failure.
Im ugly and will never have a relationship as theres nothing i have which ppl would want.
Get thee to college x

I definitely feel like a failure. I had two abusive marriages which I managed to get though. I have a degree but I never went into the profession although it opened doors to a couple of good jobs. I am with a wonderful man and we are engaged. But because I have a mental illness and a back condition at the moment I don’t work. I am trying to get a part time job but have heard nothing. I feel a failure because I am not financially contributing. My fiancé says I need to stop worrying because I contribute in so many other ways but the feeling is still there. I feel like I am letting everyone down and he would be better off without me.

Piggles, I just wish I had a high paying job. Or even something just to prove to myself that I'm not an idiot.

User I don't think I can get to college as I didn't finish high school. I wouldn't mind getting into real estate, I feel like a just want some kind of qualification to prove myself

Fantas I think you sound incredible. It's not your fault those two men were assholes to you x

I know what you mean about not contributing financially, no one likes to feel like a burden

Also User, I dont believe people can be "ugly". The only ugly people I know are nasty people. Even if they look nice on the outside their nastiness shines through. I'm sure you look beautiful, even if you cant see it

Op are you American? Your language suggests you are and that'll make a difference to how anyone can advise you as we may be talking at crossed purposes when we say "college".

Thanks Meredint, I hadn't thought of it that way. On the outside looking in she seems pretty happy.

I'm in Australia x

I have two children with SEN and constantly feel like a failure even though I 'know' objectively that I am not. We are our own harshest critics.

I am from a large family. My theee other siblings own their own companies or work very high jobs for a huge salary.

I am a cleaner. While I enjoy it. It’s not the high brow money earning job that the other have. I was always told I was stupid by my father and it really stuck. I know how u feell.

A few weeks ago a girl who bullied me for years at high school wanted tondriend me on Facebook. I had a look. She has done really well for herself. No way was I letting her see how my life was

Dontgive, some people just dont realise how much words stick and hurt

I am trying to get retail work and am volunteering in a charity shop for recent experience (I have got retail experience from years ago). I have applied for a few jobs and heard nothing. That makes me feel rejected and down. Because if my mental illness I don’t want to work in a pressured environment as it used to and we discussed things and all I need to do is work part time. My fiancé said even if I never get a job again he will support me but I really am desperate to work again!

I’m so sorry OP. I was bullied at school it really affected my confidence and ability to study (bullied for being a “geek”.)
As a result although I did go
To university it wasn’t in a great subject and as a result I work in a minimum wage job, no stress and it’s nice but I don’t make much money. DH has a high flying job and his money supports us more than mine ever could. I feel crap about that every day. Not that he’s ever made me feel like crap about the difference in our wages and careers.
I hope you feel a bit better about your situation soon.

Education doesn’t stop you being a failure. I have a doctorate but nobody has ever wanted to employ me because I’m an awful person. Wish I’d known that my personality would prevent me getting a job because I wouldn’t have wasted a decade getting qualifications for a career I’ll never be employed to do.

I think women often internalise society’s misogyny and believe that they are never good enough, no matter how high achieving they may be. Many of us suffer from “impostor syndrome” - if we have a good job, we feel we don’t really deserve it, etc.
OP, if you always compare upwards - if you always look at people who’ve done more than you - then it will inevitably make you feel a failure.
Why not compare downwards? Look at all the lazy, useless, violent, selfish, criminal people in the world. Some of them are heads of state! But you are way better than them.
And finally, if you, like me, have a religious belief, you know that God loves and values you just the way you are. And He values humility and kindness way more than worldly achievements. Learn to appreciate yourself more, OP. Jesus asked us to love ourselves as much as our neighbours, to restate his commandment!

Bandoc thanks for your comment, I'm more agnostic than anything but I do find comfort in what you said x

I agree about imposter syndrome. It took me ages to feel "worthy" of my husband, as stupid as that sounds

Yes I totally get you, was brought up by single mother with mental health issues who lived on benefits but wasted them all chain smoking 12 hours a day, our house and all my clothing etc stank of cigarettes so was too embarsed to have friends over, and was always teased for it at school, now 33 with 3 kids and a husband, husband that I mostly resent, as I always seemed of buying a house my whole life but due to his financial choices we are pretty much resigned to renting for the rest of our lives and feel like I've failed my children, to not give them.a home we can feel like belongs to us and can personalise etc. Still have no friends husband does tho, they all have owed houses for years and were helped into them by parents, no show of either of our parents helping as my mum is still a chainsmkoking loving on poverty line and husbands parents made it clear their prioitys is to help his older sister always over us

Yep. The girls who bullied me all did far better in life. I never recovered from losing an entire peer group and lost my way.
I've already had to drop open university as I couldn't cope with a non-sleeping child work and studying.
I'm prone to depression and my bowels have given me lots of problems over the years.
Middle age doesn't help tbh.

Seemed=dreamed
Loveing=living

Yeah. For loads of reasons, I know i'm a failure and make sure I tell myself each and every day.
I have pretty much next to nothing. No relationship, no kids, no friends, no home (live with the only family I have), not even a job. I simply just exist.

I wont go into it on here, but someone (in a professional capacity) pretty much told me i'm a failure and I should accept it as 'i'm only going to die anyway' - I've never really been the same since.

I don't know if it helps you, but you're far from a failure in my eyes

Yes. It's amazing and unfair how much the actions of others impact on our self worth.

I had a lovely childhood, good education (degree and postgraduate degree), well paying job, two lovely children of my own. Due to circumstances and dh's job I ended up as a sahm. Recently found out he'd deliberately and comprehensively cheated on me a long time ago pre children. So now I feel a failure for not being enough even in the easy days pre-kids, and for giving up so much for the benefit of our family unit, which hasn't been reciprocated or even appreciated. I'm old, body is a wreck, and I feel a failure for wasting my good years on a cheat.

I think the best think you can do is concentrate on what you have right now, and don't compare yourself to others. Easier said than done though, I know.

Fuck yes, I was the kid at school who got straight a's all the time, passed everything with flying colours - I was the one who was supposed to do something and be a success.

I'm not. I'm a fat knacker, old, single, poor...had to leave a sort of ok job for mental health reasons, now work in a low paid low qual role I'm embarrassed to talk about.

I have to go to a wedding in 2 weeks, full of past school friends and history where I'm just going to look such a twat. Trying to get out of it desperately! I cannot go, will tip me over the edge!