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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my Mum doesn't care, really?

17 replies

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:09

I'm currently in hospital with my DC, because last night I got admitted with a suspected ectopic pregnancy.

I was allowed to keep DC with me, 1. Because I'm BF, 2. because my DH is in New Zealand of all places right now.

I phoned and no answer, there usually isn't from her as she's not good at answering her phone but great at checking FB and games

I told her what's going on, and she said "Oh my gosh, is there anything I can do?" My answer was "No, just lovely to have a listening ear that understands pregnancy complications, etc"

Her "Gem, I'll call you back in 5 minutes" and hung up. No answer as to why. She just hang up.

20 minutes go by and I ring again, wondering if she'd forgotten like she often does.

My dad answered. He said she was delivering some brownies she made to them because they just got in the door.

Fine, no worries. I said can you just make sure she rings me back. He said of course.

Another 20 minutes go by, still nothing. So I phone back. She answered in a cheery tone "Helloooo!"

Me: "You said you'd call me back, what happened?"

Mum: "Oh sorry, was just sorting out the girls (my sisters).

Anyway, I could tell she wasn't keen on speaking on the phone as I know my replacement phone can be a little bit grainy. She offered a sympathetic ear for a minute, asked what the next steps were and then said "Right Gem, I'm gonna go. Your phone connection is really bad"

Me: "Alright then, speak soon. Love you"

Her "Love you"

That was the end of that.

It always happens. I can never actually speak to her on the phone. She always has to go, the kids are always going something that tears her away from the conversation.

9/10 she's having half a convo with me and half with my brother, and often it all ends in "Ive got to go, I'll call you back" because the kids have done something or other that they shouldn't have/broken something/playing up.

I'm aware it's hard habit 3 children aged 8,9 and 4.

But on the same note, I have friends and family with a similar set up and they don't get interrupted. I've seen it with my own eyes, unless it's a real problem, their children get the death stare and they just don't interrupt or get given the attention.

My aunts and grandmother feel the same. They're always very eye roll at her and the "I'll call you back" because it never happens. She never does, even though people would love to speak to her/have things to say.

It's as if we just aren't that important to her, because in the evening when the kids eventually go to bed, she's playing on her phone.

If I take the 3 hour train down to visit her, she's usually on her phone whilst I'm trying to talk or something.

If she comes to visit me, the kids act up and I never get a word in really. And then, even though I'm fine with them there because kids can be hard work and so what, she's usually saying "I'm going to go Gem, these kids are doing my head in".

I just feel a bit deflated. I really needed someone to chat to today, it's really difficult looking after a young baby and being in hospital. He's trying to walk and he can't get down.

My joints are killing me, my stomach hurts. I'm drained. It's all just a bit much and I would love a chat because when we do have a proper chat, they're amazing and there's no one else I'd rather speak to Sad

It's ironic because my mum would be beside herself if she was in this situation and my 75 year old gran would be pulled down from her house immediately, so she can watch the kids whilst my mum rests.

There were paediatric nurses looking after him whilst I was in thwas A&E ward, but since I've been admitted there's been no one, understandably.

I'm even having to time a wee to be 30 seconds long in case my son starts screaming because he'd been left (I have his pram so he goes in there)

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 24/07/2018 09:15

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can't offer any words of wisdom, other than when you are out of hospital sit down with her 1 to 1 and tell her how you feel about her bad manners.
Do you have friends you could speak to. could visit to look after you DC while you have a shower or something?

user1487671808 · 24/07/2018 09:19

FlowersYou have my sympathies, are you the eldest with much younger siblings? Your dad doesn’t sound much use either tbh.

Fingers crossed it’s not an ectopic and you’re back home soon with DC. Hope DH is back from NZ soon too!

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:20

Hada Thank you Thanks

I've sat her down before and she's always quite defensive, she says things like "I just don't get the time" and "You wait, see what it's life if you have more than one".

I've said to her she can make time, and that I understand 3 kids can be pretty stressful but people, not just me, feel quite upset about the situation. If you don't want to call back/can't call back, just tell us. Don't say "I'll call you back in 5 minutes!" And then never call. It's actually very infuriating at times.

My uncle lives in Australia and he gives up now. He use to arrange to speak to her every other Saturday morning, but she never made it (time zones and school run make it difficult so it had to be Saturday morning)

But she never did commit to it and outright told him she just can't because of the kids. We did suggest get my dad to watch them, just for 20 minutes or so whilst she has a chat, but she said she didn't want to commit to that every other Saturday, it's just too much.

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Excited0803 · 24/07/2018 09:22

She probably does care, she's just thoughtless and a little bit selfish, unable to consider what's actually needed from her because she's wrapped up in what she plans to do. She needs you to explain why this was so awful, but now isn't the time. I'm sorry you've been left on your own. If there aren't friends nearby can you call an aunt or uncle to help you? You shouldn't be left on your own.

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:24

user I am indeed, their dad is my step dad but I refer to him as dad.

He has his fair share of getting annoyed with her airy fairy behaviour too. For example, he never does forget keys but did last week. He told my mum she needed to be home by such and such a time for the keys, and she ended up being late!

Even though she had the whole day to plan a shop to Asda, etc etc Confused

I think she suffers from poor time management and terrible lack of empathy for how others may feel upset.

Yet I can't felt her at times. When I needed to stay in hospital whilst pregnant, she went to Asda and bought the whole works for me, just do id feel comfortable. Pjs, make up (not quite the correct shades but ahh well Grin), toiletries... snacks.

When DC was a baby, she zoomed down to sit with him whilst he was seen in A&E.

It's just all very confusing. I can pinpoint her.

I want to say it's selfish but she can't be. She never says 'no' to anyone and always goes the extra mile for people when it is actually a big inconvenience to herself.

Strange

OP posts:
Laiste · 24/07/2018 09:26

Well here's a massive hug from me!

(((HUG))) Flowers

I've got 4 DDs eldest is 25 and the youngest is 4 and it is hard to swing (hourly sometimes) between the problems of the different ages but it's doable and i feel your mum is being a bit crap. Sorry.

Accept she's human and this is what she's like and it will free you from stressing about it a bit. She's unlikely to change now. My mum's not the best either.

I hope you're feeling better very soon x

CherryPavlova · 24/07/2018 09:27

It’s a hard situation but when she offered help you refused it apart from listening to your woes. Why didn’t you ask her to come and have the child? If it’s trying to get down, it’s old enough to go with grandma for a few hours. You’ll be home today, probably so life will be easier.
Maybe your mother just isn’t very good at speaking on a phone and making small chat. My mother has always been awful at it and puts phone down almost as soon as I’ve said hello. It doesn’t measure love it’s just being rubbish at smalltalk.

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:29

Cherry It's not just on the phone, she doesn't really listen properly in person either. She stares at her phone whilst I'm talking.

She did say is there anything she could do, but she didn't sound very sincere and I think she was hoping I'd say no.

Also, it was my brother's birthday evening and I couldn't help but feel a bit shit if I'd pulled mum away from him

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 24/07/2018 09:33

I wonder if she could have a hearing problem so phones are becoming more difficult for her?

Hope you're back home soon. Flowers

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:36

tea She can hear perfectly well. She didn't like spending 20 minutes on the phone to me the other day to discuss Love Island. But when that topic was over, she wanted to go

OP posts:
OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:36

*didn't mind

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MatildaTheCat · 24/07/2018 09:38

Sounds like she finds it very difficult to change track, so yesterday she was dealing with brownies and kids when you called and she simply cannot alter her route from that, no matter what. When she does focus fully, you get the full attention you crave but frequently she is unable to deliver.

Having three young children at, presumably, an older age, will be already making massive demands on her executive functioning when she struggles already.

Look at who you can get support from now, today. Unfortunately it’s not her. She does, categorically, care but getting into a confrontation won’t help anything. Unfortunately, her three under tens do trump your needs today in her mind.

Get well soon. Fingers crossed it’s not an ectopic.

teaandtoast · 24/07/2018 09:43

Right. Sounds like my mum with her endless ability to show me her holiday photos and talk about her holidays but wasn't interested in what I was doing.

Do you have any idea how long you're going to be in hospital? It could be good to ask her to come down for a while and look after dc1?

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 09:47

tea Ha, that's my MIL too, as well as my mum Envy

I'm hoping to go home after my internal scan this afternoon, because if it's all okay then I can leave.

If I have to stay in, I'll call her. She will be in her glories to take DC.

She was there at my labour with him and her first words were "Can I have a hold?!" Whilst DC was skin to skin, before DH got a hold Grin

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 24/07/2018 09:50

She sounds a lot like me, and I definitely care. But I have ADHD and find it very difficult to do things like remembering to call back in 5 minutes. And I struggle to do anything much at the moment with three DC under 8.
I spend a lot of my time apologising or hiding from the person I have unintentionally let down, because I feel so bad about it. Doesn’t mean I’m able to do better next time, though, no matter how good my intentions.
I wouldn’t be like that if my DSD was in hospital, though. She would become my top priority for a bit at least.

Jinglebells99 · 24/07/2018 09:52

It’s sounds like your mum has loads on her plate tbh. She has small children still herself as well as you and other relatives expecting support too. Who supports your mum? Sounds like she could be overwhelmed by it all. Are you able to get support from anywhere else? Friends or in laws ? My mum didn’t really help me at all and your post has reminded me that she would often start talking to someone in the house when she was on the phone to me. I’d forgotten that . Ultimately I realised I had to make my own support networks as my mum wasn’t going to be helping me despite helping my sister with her children,

OUGEM · 24/07/2018 12:31

She has small children still herself as well as you and other relatives expecting support too

No one is really expecting support, apart from me last night, and we she chose to be at my baby's birth.

We just want a small chat, a small catch up

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