Functioning Alcoholic Partners

[Tiredmummy25]

My partner and I have had a really bad few weeks with our little boy with his average sleep time being gone 10 despite trying everything under the sun. Tonight I let my partner do the night routine as I'm suffering with gallstones, but as my son was still crying at 10 I decided to take over to find my partner with a can of cider next to the cot which he was drinking through the night routine. I said I wasn't happy with it and he had a right go at me after which he said he wouldn't do it again. He drinks on average 4 strong pints of cider of an evening and a lot more of a weekend; he comes back pissed twice a week (although he would argue he's just tipsy and exhausted.)It has always bothered me to some extent, but as my son gets older it is worse. I am wondering if anyone else is or has been in the same boat? Whenever I try to talk about it it becomes trivialised like it's my issue. The other day he said to me that I knew what I was like when we started dating and that me needing to lose pregnancy weight (and eating too much junk) was worse. I'm feeling extra deflated about this coupled with nowhere near enough sleep 😟 There are a huge number of positives about my partner, but this is not one!

What are the positives?

So far you’ve told us he’s an alcoholic, he minimises it, gets pissed several times a week and has a go at you about your weight.

The good points would have to be seriously amazing to negate that.

What do you want? What is your line in the sand? You need to work out what you’re willing to put up with and what’s too much - what’s the point at which you part ways?

I'd say get yourself to Al Anon , but unless you can get childcare, that's not going to be an option as you can't leave child with pissed partner.
Al Anon is for relatives and friends affected by a loved one's drinking. It sounds like he's in denial and probably not likely to get himself to AA so you need to focus on you.
It helped me a lot when I left my alcoholic fiance.
For years he was functioning alcoholic, he held down a very good job (in his marriage.. not when I was with him).
After some years with me (all sober and so called 'reformed' and holier than thou) he became a non functioning alcoholic and is now dead from that. Pls, get help and put you and your little boy first. My life has been ruined from another's drinking. Five years on I'm still trying to pick the pieces up.

I drink a couple of glasses of wine on the average evening, and have since probably about the age of 14. This is apart from the odd month where I I’m on a diet, you’d be amazed how many pissing calories are in red wine!!

Is he an alcoholic or just enjoying a glass of cider in an evening, can he go without? Have you tried asking him to drink less?

Does the 4 pints make him pissed? How much more do you think he has on the nights where he is pissed? One of the definitions of an alcoholic is that it causes problems in a relationship. You have to decide what you can cope with. My Ex always said that he did not have a problem as he was quite capable of not drinking in the day and performed well at work- but he was incapable of not drinking it in the evening. Used to hide the stuff around the house and pretend vodka was water etc. I decided that actually he was never sober and I would never let him drive the children. Also used to worry he would drop the baby. Do you feel safe leaving him in charge of the baby - if not you need to think about the whole relationship

There was a similar thread recently you should have a look at as there was a lot of good discussion:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3304002-i-m-married-to-a-functioning-alcoholic

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 24 years of sobriety. He has a serious problem with alcohol. See if you can get to an al-anon meeting.

My ex's poison was cider too BTW.

I stuck with an addict. Made myself unwell. Now a lovely man in my life. Wouldn't go near anyone who drinks on a daily basis.

My ex was a functioning alcoholic but refused to admit it. I was miserable.
My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for two years. I (we) are very happy.

He won’t change until he admits he has a problem.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to this. To give complete context: talking about my weight is the first time it's happened.

The positives:
He more than pulls his weight around the house, doing most of the cleaning and all of the washing up.
He is a good Dad to our son.
He contribute 50/50 financially.
We have a good rapport and relationship when it comes to conversation and interests.
Other things- we haven't had sex in a long time as I have been unwell and he hasn't mentioned it once.
He is faithful and he is kind.

He is not pissed of an eve - that's going to be because he has a high tolerance. He does not drink spirits or hide alcohol. He does smoke weed a little when he goes out but that does not bother me. I would feel safe to leave our son with him of an eve, but not if it's an occasion he has come backed passed.

His mother is a functioning alcoholic - she is his only family so he has not had a normal upbringing.

Thank you for your advice. I'll have a look at my local area. Recently he has been having 2 nights off a week trying to follow government guidelines - but often he does not stick to this - especially if there's football on. Reading all of these comments has made me feel worried - I think you live in your own bubble and lose track of what is normal behaviour.

He can hold his booze so the 12 units he has on average a night are what he says are his way of relaxing. He will say himself he is a functional alcoholic and enjoys a drink

An alcoholic who is still drinking is not a good parent, Op, don't kid yourself.

And he's minimising by talking about trying to adhere to Government guidelines of his choosing.

He is drinking out of habit by the sounds of it. Two cans down from 4 and at least two nights off would be a reasonable request. Otherwise I would seriously think about leaving .

I think I need to take some time to think things through. It makes me feel so sad as despite the drinking our relationship has so so many positives. Life feels so hard sometimes.

I think 4 cans of strong cider every night is quite a lot tbh. As pp have said, sounds like he's minimising.

It's not even about the amount, he can't put the cider down long enough time go through his child's night time routine, that's a problem.

Just explain that his drinking is ruining your relationship. He will either sort it or carry on and you will have your answer. My dh is lovely but has been a heavy drinker at times over the years, I know it's not easy.

Although for the record he is drinking as much in a night, on a quiet night for him, than the NHS recommends in a week

This is a lot to digest. I'm going to take some time for me and find Al Anon in my local area for support and take things from there.