To suddenly be thinking I'm a lesbian/bisexual?

[NameChangrrr]

Name changed for obvious reasons but been here ages.

Quick back story: settled with DP young, still only in early 20s now but we met when I was 17. I had 2 relationships before him which were "serious" but also very typical high school relationships. We had our first DC last year who is now 1.5.

DP has been away with work the last 2 days and I feel like I've really had some time to think and be by myself. I think it's possible I am a lesbian or bisexual. I feel like a switch has been turned on and I finally understand my mind.

Reasons why I am thinking this are as follows:
I am not having feelings towards any specific woman, just women in general. I like the idea of being with a woman. I saw a picture a lesbian acquaintance of mine put up on FB of herself and her fiancee kissing and felt envy. They are lovely together.
It's very rare that I watch porn but if I do and when I did as a teenager it was often girl-on-girl stuff.
I have always fancied men, but never particularly enjoyed sex. I enjoy the act of sex and being intimate with someone I like/love but I'm not sure I enjoy the male role in it.

I just feel so confused. Like I have never had a chance to decide what I am because I always just assumed I was straight so went with guys and am now have a future lined up with one and our child.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I would never cheat on my partner and I do care about him and I think I love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him... And I think maybe that's because I am biologically hardwired to be with a woman.

Are there any lesbians or bisexual women who could help me, please? Anyone who didn't just 'know' and suddenly realised much later?

“I’m not sure I enjoy the Male role in it”

Try pegging 😄

This heatwave affects each of us in different ways!

You talk about realising “much later” I’m not convinced that early 20’s is later!
You may well be gay/bi. That’s ok.
What you have to take into consideration here is that you are in a relationship and have a child.
It’s not so much whether you want to be with a man or a woman, it’s about dealing with this whole situation with thought, dignity and kindness.

OP try posting on the Feminist Chat threads, you may get more helpful responses. If not then wait until day time.

Hi OP, this does sound confusing. I don’t have much advice to offer but am bumping in the hope someone can.

If you’ve never actually had a crush on an actual woman I’d say it’s that the men you have had sex with haven’t been very good at it!

I don't see that it makes any difference if there are no serious problems in your marriage.

two things ive heard on hear but no idea what they mean
pulls cardi tight around chest

I didnt know until late on in life and yes, switch flicked. Society it geared toward straight, we aren't given the 'option' to think about it. Things are changing now thankfullly. I am in my late thirties. If you are gay, you've decisions to make though. Open relationship? Leave DP?

[ replying to Dolores - you might prefer not to know, they are not naice. I had a vague idea about teabagging due to overhearing people playing unsuitable computer games.... in an effort to be helpful googled them both...... as I say you may prefer not to know! ]

ooh thanks thinking cat
think i'll stay in my ignorant bubble
fans self

I’ve kind of been feeling the same really. Been with DP since 18, a couple ‘serious’ relationship when I was younger. But I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual. There’s a couple women I’ve met who I’ve seriously fancied! I even told one but left it at that because I wouldn’t cheat and it was always just a passing night out type of thing. I find women attractive, but definitely men too. Sometimes I want to make it known I’m bisexual but because I’ve left it so late and am with a man it feels almost attention seeking to say which is frustrating for me.

I think the point I’m trying to make is you can definitely discover your feelings early 20s as that’s my age range too. I’m no expert but it does sound as if you may be a lesbian? Spend some time exploring the feelings more.

I was in my twenties before I realised I was bi. It took a girl who was a friend of mine telling me she wanted to be with me and me realising I felt the same before I twigged (although looking back it should have been pretty obvious from my many teenage fantasies about female characters in books and shows I loved!).

People don't always know right away - we are so heavily conditioned to see heterosexuality as the norm that it can be hard to recognise when we aren't that way. And this is especially true of bisexuals, because being attracted to men means you can be totally oblivious to the whole other aspect of your sexuality that isn't related to them.

Are you happy with your DP? I'm happily married to a man so please don't feel that you can't be bisexual and in a committed relationship with a man. But if you aren't happy with him, or if you're lesbian not bi, you won't ever be fulfilled in your relationship.

Stonewall have really good online resources that you might want to check out to help you work out your own mind and feelings. Whatever you do, I hope you're happy!

I was in my early 20s living with a long term high school sweetheart boyfriend (no kids though) when I had the same realisation as you. We broke up (That took another year). I went to some bars and groups made some gay friends and never looked back. That was over 20 years ago! I'm now married to a woman with kids.
There are lots of gay women with children who had them with previous male partners. I know lots of lesbians who didnt realise until they were 40+ so you are by no way late! I believe Kelly McGillis (female lead in top gun) was 50ish. Miranda from sex n city, presenter Anna Richardson both 40s the list goes on.

If you are unhappy you need to rethink your existing relationship whatever your sexuality. Maybe you're just bored. It's too hard to say. But I think if you're posting here you May know the answer!

I'm bi. I've always been 50/50. I'm married to DH now and he makes my heart pound and has done since I met him. Before him I was with a woman. Before that a guy. In my early 20's I was with quite a few people, men and women. I've never thought much about it tbh. It's about the person, it doesn't matter to me what sex they are.

Have you ever kissed a woman? Maybe go to a gay club.

BTW, I am not recommending cheating on your partner, I would never do that. It just might make your feeling clearer to you.

I echo everything wellBeehivedWoman wrote

Just wanted to add... I know/have known a large number of gay women over the years and very very few of them had never had a long term relationship with a boy/man. Typical story is school/college boyfriend until early/mid twenties followed by meeting a gorgeous woman (maybe unrequited) and 'coming out'

(Pick your gay bar wisely if you go coz it might put you off!...I say that as a much older woman ha ha)...

If you start falling for friends or colleagues then you have your answer!

the first indicator for me that i was gay was the envy/interest in other lesbian couples. that feeling like you want that so bad, and even though you still like guys you don't get that 'feeling'