To ask what you would tell your 40 year old self?

[ohbigdaddio]

Blatantly cheeky but I'm a decade older than the OP on the '30' thread!

I turn 40 later in the year and I don't know how to approach it. In fact it terrifies me. 30 was so great, I knew who I was, I was happy living life just me and DH. Nearly 10 years on and I'm now dreading 40 for 1 reason - I don't know if DH and I will ever have a family. 2 failed IVFs and, yeah, feeling a bit desperate. If only I could've told my 30 year old self to think about children but it just wasn't on my radar.

So; what would you tell yourself at 40?

Intetesting. I turn 40 in December too OP so I understand your trepidation!

Very sorry to hear of your ivf. Do you have a way forward? Kids weren't my radar either at 30 (I had ivf too for ds1 and was very lucky that it worked). The infertility thread is very helpful if you haven’t visited it yet.

Grow a pair and invest 10* the amount you did in AMD stocks 😡

I'm 40 next year and I'm really hoping that my life will turn itself around and I'll be a lot happier because I have gone through so much shit in my thirties and have been hit with a fresh wave of it in the last couple of months. Going through hell at the moment and I can't see how things are going to get better. I can only hope that they will :(

Life is all downhill: and you'll have the face and body to match

Joking apart, and in the space of some really strong competition, it's been my worse decade so far, and it's only half over yet. Still, it can always get worse...

(I appreciate that this may not be the contribution that you were looking for )

Well, I've not long turned 40 and sometimes feel panicky about getting old and it being all downhill from here, too. But my mum always tells me that 40 is actually quite young really (especially nowadays), and that she found she had greater confidence, was less worried about other people thought, and was generally happier in her own skin, than when she was younger.

• becoming invisible to men is a liberating thing
• likewise, giving less than a fuck about speaking your mind - you no longer are expected to pander to others and after decades of doing so you really can't be arsed
• your friendships with your women friends will enter a new level as the years pass and you go through more major life events together. I can honestly say I have a fierce love for the women in my life
• you've still got a good thirty years of fully functioning life ahead of you, with the added bonus of all the experience you have amassed so far. This is a powerful position to be in
• sex is still fantastic as are big nights out (see also: no longer giving a shit). Hangovers are a bastard though
• sometimes you catch yourself thinking how much the world has changed in your lifetime and find it awesome that you've lived all that while younger people have to just get a filtered version

Loads of things really.

I'd tell my 40 year old self to take herself in hand and lose the excess six stones that she's carrying around because she won't want to turn 50 looking and feeling like she does at 40

Constantinople your mum's experience sounds similar to mine.

Hey. Happy nearly 40th birthday. I honestly think the only way to approach the milestones is with as much joy and celebration as you can muster.

I don't know what it's like to have a tough fertility experience - all I can say there is I'm sorry it's so hard for you, and I'm sure it must feel like the most important thing in the world to you and your husband. I've seen friends go through it, and it looks like hell from the outside. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you get lucky and pregnant. For what it's worth, without exception, all of my friends were ultimately successful in getting pregnant and having at least one baby (and some took years to get there - one used donor eggs, another 4 x IVF), but I know it's not the same outcome for everyone.

What I think you need to ask yourself is how can I fill my life with meaning without having my own children? And there are so many answers to that - both involving other people's children or other routes to meaning altogether.

You say 'I don't know if we'll ever have a family' but you do have a family - your husband at a minimum, and I'm sure you have lots of extended family too. You can choose to involve yourself to the maximum with nieces/nephews/friend's children. I know it's not the same, but those relationships can be incredibly deep and profound. There are friends of my mother's that I turn to all the time as an adult for their wisdom and support, and my uncle was more of a father figure to me than my shit dad ever was.

I'm not being glib - of course I understand that it's not the same as having your own kids. But I believe there can be incredible meaning in the connections we make with kids, wherever we meet them.

Secondly, what else is important to you? What will make you feel proud of yourself and your contribution to the world? Can you volunteer, be the best sister/friend you can be, offer your skills to your community, make a creative contribution, add materially to someone else's happiness - work to understand what you can uniquely bring to the world.

We only get one go around. I'm sure like me, you have family and friends who haven't even made it this far. Make it count and know that you are incredibly important and valuable to the world - whether or not you are successful in bringing your own children to the world.

I wish you every success and a very happy birthday.

I would say get as fit as you can...do yoga too because once you get to 50 it's all much more difficult...and parts of you hurt that you never thought about before. Also, don't put things off, start thinking about yourself and what YOU want.
Having said that, I'm glad I'm on the other side of menopause now because I don't stress or worry about insignificant things like I used to do

I’m on the other side. Seriously get fit and stay fit. You have to run to stand still in your 40s -your body can go to shit much easier than your 30s.

The kid thing’s hard (it took me years to have one so I get it) but HappyInLondons advice is lovely.

HappyInL0nd0n thanks for your post, some good things to think about. Love the not giving a fuck about speaking your mind! 👌 Gottagetmoving I plan to go on a yoga retreat for my birthday (if I'm not pregnant by then)! Chattycat78 thanks. I dip in and out of the infertility board! HildaZelda hope life starts getting better for you very soon.

coming up to my 40th I had an unplanned pregnancy (sorry OP, if that's difficult to read) and my marriage was wobbly because of it......

In the last 8 years, the baby arrived, DH has ended up being the main carer and mostly SAHD, I've got a new job and then 2 promotions on top, I'm earning about 20k more than I was then, and I feel there is loads out there for me! I've got some new work friends so have big nights out occasionally. I've got some new school mum friends who I can have a good laugh with. I wear what I want, and have got more and more confident about all sorts of things.

I didn't think my life was heading where I wanted it to go, but it has been the best decade yet!

Yes, start thinking about yourself and what you want. And not what you think is expected of an intelligent female in 2018. Find what you like.

Also get some counselling to help. There was stuff I kept secret for decades, my life would have been different if I'd opened up about them then instead of 20+ years later. and very different if I'd dealt with them as a teen

Im only 42 but I'd like to go back 2 yearsand tell myself not to regain that weight after my diet.

I’m just about to hit 45 and can say with certainty that my 40s are better than any previous decade. I spent my 20s consumed with panic about not knowing who I was and being constantly worried about what other people think. I spent my 30s with catastrophic health and relationship problems.

Now I am in my 40s, i’m Fit and healthy, have a wonderful DS, have a great career and I have the confidence to be myself. I also really couldn’t give a toss about other peoples opinions.

I’ve been 40 for 9 months and I fucking love it.

I'll be 40 next year and am looking forward to it!
I've been raising small children since I was 23 and now I'm approaching 40 they are all getting a bit older and a little more independent - while I've loved having a young family I am also looking forward to the next stage of life and doing a bit more for myself and spending more quality time with DH.
I am so much wiser now, I don't worry or care about little things that don't matter. Life has thrown me some hard stuff to deal with and I feel stronger for it. I am a nurse and have seen enough what others have to deal with and the sadness that life can throw at us and I honestly feel that I have to cherish the health of myself and my family and friends and have much to be grateful for.
I have more disposable income to enjoy which is a big bonus. I look forward to travelling to places I've always wanted to go in the next decade. Can't wait.

I turn 40 in the autumn and it's been quite revolutionary for me. I worry that I am 30 kilos overweight and am trying to do something about that but it isn't the be all and end all, of that makes sense. I just want to be around as long as possible for my kids now. I have stopped drinking and eat a mostly vegan diet (exception being when invited out as I don't want people to fuss)

My late twenties and most of my thirties were spent trying to get pregnant, which also wasn't easy for us. Then when we did hit the jackpot we were exhausted. Then DS 1 was diagnosed with autism and so I gave up my job to take care of him.

In my forties I am looking forward to be daytime naps and Nappy free as the bairn has now turned 3. DS1 is going to a special school which offers in-house therapies so I won't be needed to drive everywhere and I feel really positive about that.

I equally feel less fucks are given. Am trying desperately to declutter as possessions are no longer important and I feel that I know which direction I would like to take my small business, what I want to study and what I would like to achieve in my forties. Which after putting everything and everyone before me for the last 14 years, feels magnificent. It has been a bit of a shock for DH though

I hope that you find some inner peace in your forties. Xx

I plan to go on a yoga retreat for my birthday (if I'm not pregnant by then)

Brilliant! I wish I had done that!

I'm 44 & I'd say:

Listen. I know the last decade's been shit, but I'm 4 years ahead of you & I have the life you think you've lost all hope of.

You're so close. This time next year you'll be single & building a new career. It all gets better from there.

Just keep going & don't give up.

Invest for retirement and don't be afraid of stocks. Index or tracker funds are the best unless you really know what you're doing. Vanguard is brilliant.

I don't think the 40 itself is an actual problem I still think I'm about 28...it's what it represents in terms of my fertility and IVF success rates and that is what's so tough. Heading towards a milestone birthday when you're not where you want to be and worried you might never get there...argh!