teenage issues

[amw73]

Hi there - newbie :-)

I wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me regarding my son's friend.

I have one son, 16 only child. Has never really had friends around (or gone to theirs) except for birthdays. Though is a remember of clubs and is popular at school. I've been told this is a generation thing.

Anyhow for the past 2 months out of the blue my of his friends from club has been practically living at ours from about midday or end of school until when we kick him out at about 1030pm.

This of course has meant he is constantly eating at ours. Apart from the obvious huge rise in our food bill which i could swallow if he wasn't so odd / rude in other ways.

He leaves the dinner table without my son and goes back to DS's bedroom alone. He never says thank you. When the pair of them are asked to wash up etc he again disappears leaving ds to it. The other night i didn't cook so sent them to tesco to get stuff to cook and eat, again ds left to cook and clear up with an appearance from friend in the middle for him to munch. We have bought him takeaways too.

DS never gets an invite to theirs. No idea about parents etc.

I understand that he may have problems at home. DS is useless at any information.

But i am getting increasingly irritated by his behaviour. At the same time its nice that DS appears to be socialising more. I have definitely set a precedent for the food thing and he can eat for England. It makes food planning very difficult to say the least.

Am i missing something? or is this normal teenage behaviour?

You might need to start being more explicit with the friend about what you expect.

“Er, back in here a minute Johnny, in this house we stay at the table till everyone’s finished”

“Come back here a minute Johnny, you both ate so you both clean up. Would you prefer to wash or dry?”

“How was dinner? .....you’re welcome!!”

Or just tell your son that twice a week is enough and his friend will need to go elsewhere the rest of the time.

I think it's normal for teenagers to assume that food materialises in limitless supply out of nowhere fully prepared however it's not normal to leave a friend to wash up and go back to their room alone. I would say it's really DS's responsibility at 16 to either offer friend dinner or tell him he needs to go home. Some stuff you would think the friend could work out for himself though (thanking you for his meal, helping wash up etc.).

I also agree with Frogscotch7 that you should be clear about your expectations - it's possible he just never has family meals at his house and doesn't know the etiquette. As a teenager I do think my manners were mainly taught rather than genuine gratitude (I just didn't appreciate the effort that went into buying and preparing food).

What frog said

It's not normal and I can't understand why you are allowing this in your own home. If you don't want him there all the time, SEND HIM HOME, and as for his behaviour, tell him clearly what is expected in your home. You should also tell him that you would appreciate basic common courtesy. Permitting this nonsense is not a good example for your son.

I get exactly where you are coming from. I’ve had similar, although not exactly the same. As previous post says I’d call the friend out on his manners and prompt him to help - you don’t know his home circumstances so it might just be that sort of thing doesn’t happen in his house, but it does in yours so tell him. I stopped all the takeouts that we initially offered as just couldn’t afford it. They now get pasta in sauce with cheese on top. You can do big bowls of pasta for pennies. Just a stir through sauce, Aldi do a few nice flavours. Or pesto. I also think that you should cut it down to 2 or 3 times a week tops. It feels a bit like he’s using you/your house and don’t his parents wonder where he is!!! I would also check your son’s view on this, he might not want this friend round so much but feels he can’t say no and feels used but stuck and doesn’t know what to do.

He is either just rude and doesnt care or actually has no idea he should be helping and staying at the table.

We had similar with one of dd's friends, although a bit younger at 13. She would come over every other day after school and eat with us and as it became a regular thing she got added to our clearing up rota. She actually said to me, I don't have to do that, I'm a guest and I don't even have to do it at home. So I said if you eat here on a regular basis, you can help with the clearing up. This is a girl though whose mother does her homework for her and tidies her bedroom still and she genuinely thought she shouldn't have to help.

Thanks, so relieved it's not just me that thinks he is out of order. Have said to ds a few times he would be in big trouble if he ever acted like that at someone else's house.
Of course added to the problem is my own childhood and never been allowed to have people over + the only child thing I have spoilt his friend really in lots of ways but enough is enough. Certainly have a vision of having here from dawn til dusk in the holidays which will drive me insane.