Grandparents and childcare

[youknowwherethecityis]

My parents have been looking after my nephew and eldest niece after school 2/3 days a week (M/T), and one day a fortnight (W) they look after my other niece all day as well. They then look after my daughter the next 2 days (for around 50% of the year).

On the weeks they look after DD we minimize the hours we work on those days so it’s usually around 4-6 hours each day that they have DD for. However for a while we have been concerned it’s too much for my DPs. They have told several people how hard they find it and how tiring it is at their age to be doing so much childcare.

Today I found out that from September my youngest niece (3) will be going to preschool for 3 hours a day so won’t be going to a childminder any more. Instead my parents will look after her M/T and every other W from 11:45 until around 5. On those days they will also be looking after my nephew and other niece after school.

My job is getting busier so sticking with them just doing 4-6 hours a day won’t be possible for that long.

This is quite a big increase in childcare hours for them and given they already say they can’t cope I said we would send DD to childminder full time instead of 3 days/week. Well this didn’t go down well and they got very upset.

For full disclosure, and from a selfish POV, when my parents are looking after DD they are tired after their busy week and literally cannot get up in time. They often don’t get out of bed until 9 so we are sometimes late for work those 2 days and it’s very stressful and it’s just going to get worse now they are doing more childcare for my sis on the previous days.

So AIBU to not let my parents look after my DD in these circumstances? Currently they are making me feel like the worst daughter in the world because I don’t want them to be wearing themselves out providing free childcare virtually every day of the week! They would only have one day off every fortnight (apart from the weeks we don’t need them) and that’s not fair on them but they said they love looking after DD and we can’t stop them seeing their GD (they would still see her of course but there’s no doubt it would be a lot less if they aren’t providing childcare).

Could she go to them for one day per week and the childminder the rest of the time? That might make them feel included still but reduce the burden a bit?

YANBU. If it's making you late for work by dropping her to them then the arrangement is working. If they're taking on more care and are already complaining that they can't keep up with what they already do, then it's likely to become worse. Could you give them the option to collect DD from the childminder on the afternoons of those days? Then it's not as much care for them to do, more reliable for you, but also still letting them look after her some of the time.

Unfortunately not as they live too far for us to take DD there just for the day.

Them driving here and back again is another consideration and is probably not helping with how shattered they feel by the end of the week

Any ideas what I actually say to DPs. Currently they think it's not just up to us who looks after DD and that they should also get a say and they aren't taking no for an answer

Wow that sounds incredibly controlling. If they are that worn out (and it’s hardly surprising, looking after young children at their stage in life) then it’s likely the kids aren’t getting a good deal either. Grandparents who are too tired to get up in the morning are hardly going to be providing optimum care. And hopeless for you anyway if you’re late for work. I can’t believe you’ve stuck with such an unsatisfactory situation so long

If their views are that fixed, sadly I don’t think there’s an easy way to tell them. You’ll just have to bite the bullet and say she’s your child and you feel nursery is the best choice for her, but make it clear that you will of course continue visiting and that their relationship with her isn’t dependent on them being free childminders.
In fact I would suggest it’s probably easier for grandparents to enjoy a lovely bond with their grandkids when they’re seeing them
With no strings attached, rather than being responsible for fitting around the parents’ work.

You need to make clear that you as the parents are the ones in control.

Your last post does make them sound quite controlling. I think you're just going to have to be quite blunt with it. Just a simple 'we've decided nursery is the best place for her now'. If they then say it's not just your choice or they get a say then just say 'she's mine and DHs child, and we've made a decision' until they stop challenging you.

My parents have been like this as they expected to do childcare for DD, despite multiple reasons that it wasn't practical. They then told me they would prefer if she went to a nursery not childminder, I just repeated that me and DP would make that decision until they stopped. It may cause a bit of a clash but it's better that they realise whilst she's young that you make the decisions. My cousins parents were like this, and now tell her when they're having her children and taking them on holiday as 'it's their choice', although they're very controlling about everything.

It does make them sound controlling but I do think they are saying this for the right reasons, just not necessarily going about it the right way.

They know that full time childcare would put us into debt as we don't earn enough to cover those extra costs. To me that's tough - we chose to have a child and it won't be forever that we have those costs. But they hate the thought of us struggling.

They genuinely think it's best for us if they do 2 days childcare so are being bossy so we will agree to it. But they just aren't considering that even if it's best for us (as long as we could drag them out of bed in time) it's not best for them. They say they don't care about what's best for them, only their children.

Can you not work out a compromise? They have your DD for a couple of days every 3rd week, or something? Takes the pressure off them, but they still get to see plenty of your DD.

The problem with that is what we do for the other 3 weeks. Our childminder would happily have DD every Thu/Fri it will have to be every Thu/Fri - she won't be able to just take her for 3 out of 4 weeks