To say DSIS can stay here for the summer holidays?

[jellypeanuts]

Backstory:

Mum had a very high pressured job while we were growing up. She retired 5 years ago (her choice and insisted she wanted to do it, her boss even tried to talk her in to staying on for a few more years) spends a lot of time on her hobbies but hits down periods when she will sit at home and drink all day to the extent the recycling bin is full after a couple of days. This can go on for 2 or 3 weeks and one day she will just decide to get out of bed and she will be out spending time on her hobbies/shopping etc. I would say it’s about 70% of her being sociable, 30% her drinking at home.

She isn’t the nicest person in the world, and never has been. Very manipulative and judgemental and despises the fact that we all have our own lives- especially me (26) and brother (32). I moved away 3 years ago, brother left when he was 17 so nearly half his lifetime ago.

Dad is lovely, but buries his head in work and will work 6 days a week to stay out of her way. He leaves at 7am and sometimes doesn’t return until 9pm, eats and goes straight to bed. On his day off he visits my grandparents, plays golf or does anything he can to keep out the house. Brother doesn’t give a toss. Will come home for family dos, Christmas etc but he’s gone just as soon as he’s arrived.

I have younger DSIS who has just turned 15. My main concern is that she has to put up with my mothers mood swings when she has her GCSES next year- she is probably the brightest out of all 3 of us and has potential to have a very comfortable future. But my mothers mood swings affect her ability to study as she will come in on the bounce screaming at her, she can be exhausted for school because she will do it of a night time. She’s terrified to invite any of her friends round for a sleepover etc and my mum sometimes refuses to give her her pocket money, merely out of spite, so she can’t go out and socialise.

DSIS finished school on Friday and came straight down to me on the train to have a weekend together. She has broken down to me tonight that she can’t come, she resents my mum because she hasn’t got a normal life and like me is worried she won’t be able to concentrate on her exams to the best of her ability- she had end of year exams this year and while she didn’t perform terribly, she could of done better.

I’m going to call my dad tomorrow and suggest she stays with me for the summer, at least for a couple of weeks. I’ve told her her friends are more than welcome to come and stay with her. She seems so much more relaxed and happy.

We have tried to get mum help. She refuses to admit she has a problem and I certainly can’t bundle a 52 year old woman into my car and into a doctors surgery against her will.

Your home. Yanbu for any reason at all.

Sounds a wonderful idea, and you are a very thoughtful, understanding and generous big Sis.

Not sure what your AIBU is. I certainly don’t think it’s it’s unreasonable to have your sister to stay for the summer, regardless of the situation at home. If you’re happy and she’s happy. It sounds a bit heavy going with your mum, sorry.
You sound like a very caring sister, and if you can offer a happy place to be for the hols (particularly before all the exams kick off) great.
Being 15 is a bit of a nightmare. They’ve not only got the worry of exams but everything else that comes with growing up.
Having problems like that at home must be awful.
You sound like an oasis.

Of course she can stay with you it will be a welcome break and nice to have her to stay. I have younger siblings and 2 of them 'lived' with me throughout Year 11 and then again in yr 13.They stayed for large chunks of the holiday. Our family home is chaos and my mum and step dad can be difficult. My step dad is an alcoholic though after many years of denial is in treatment and is also having therapy and medication for his depression.

I'm not sure what your AIBU is.
Do you have other people in your house to account for?
Are you worried that your parents will think you're interfering?
I think a break for your sister is a great idea.
But in all honesty, for things to be better for her something drastic needs to change.
Are you considering having her longer term so she'd have a quieter base and could concentrate more? Or give her some weekend respite so she knows it's not all the time?

If you have the space for her why wouldn’t you? Are you concerned there will be repercussions for you and/or her from your mother?

Definitely have your sister stay, for as long as possible.

Expect some angst from your mother though.

You're a wonderful big sister I'm sure it'll make a massive difference to your little sister.

Who do you live with? Have you discussed it with them?
Sounds ideal for your sister.

Do you have a DP/DH? Children? Are you worried that having sis to stay would impact on them? If not, then no problem at all. If you do, then discuss it with them.

If your AIBU is about your mother and her reaction, then at one level it's fine. There are consequences for her behaviour and not having her youngest living with her is one of them. However, I'd be concerned for your sis if after the summer she has to go back to living with your mum because of school. I'd worry how your mum might treat her. Can you work out a longer term plan than just the summer?

Personally I would be speaking to the school and taking your Sis to live with you, rather than grow up in an abusive home.

Your Mother is abusive and to an extent without reporting it, you are enabling her.

You should be speaking to your Sister and no-one else. A young person can decide were they live from 14.

Start making this about your Sister and not your Mother.

Your Dad isn't lovely, he is also an enabler and happy for his DD to grow up in an abusive home.

You won't see that until you are older though, tbh.

Make sure that your Sister realises that she doesn't have to live with your Mother and has options to leave.

Perhaps work on waking up to your Family dynamics and stop minimising this.

Your poor sis. However, it sounds like you live some distance away, so my question is this; what if she has a lovely summer at yours and then can't face going home? Can she continue to stay with you and would it mean changing schools - in GCSE year? Even if she could move in with you long term and change schools could you support her or would your parents give you money for her upkeep? I think you need a bit of planning here and not just fling your door open without thinking down the line.

Exactly what birds said.

You're in AIBU because you're doubting yourself because that's what your mother does to your head, all of your heads.

Do the right thing, you know what that is. Your sister needs to get out of that situation and I'm glad she has you

It's not just your mother in all this - your father is, I'm afraid, a disgrace, spending all hours out of the house to avoid confrontation leaving a vulnerable child to deal with it. Dreadful.