To struggle with this? (Cancer related, could be upsetting)

[Darknessinthevalley]

I'm not really sure how to deal with my feelings on this, but I've always found mumsnet a great place to gather opinions.
Essentially, my grandmother has never been super nice to me. She's cold, openly favours my sister and told me several times as a child that she didn't love me.
I was a difficult child due to undiagnosed ASD and was in abusive relationships as a teen, so my family sort of wrote me off for a long time. Despite this difficult relationship and how she spoke to me, I maintained a link with my GM for my mums sake, and I speak to her maybe four times a year, as she is still not nice to me. She's very disappointed with my chosen profession, for example (still a respectable job) and told me my husband made a mistake marrying me.
However, she's not undergoing tests as she may have the same cancer that killed her mother. And I'm not sure how I feel, or how I'm meant to feel. I am concerned, but not very worried, and I feel like a bitch. It's a real mix in my head right now, when I feel like I should be inconsolable as my nan might die. Has anyone else been through this? Am I just heartless?

You don't have to like her or worry about her, or justify your feelings.
In good conscience you can do your duty by her, whatever that means (like listening sympathetically when you interact). That would be plenty for most.

tbh, I was fond of my gran but didn't worry or feel upset when she was terminally ill. mine was quite elderly, had had a terrific innings, was surrounded by people she loved & who loved her, had had the life she wanted, had good medical care. Only hard part was seeing other people I cared about sad for her, and knowing she was last of her generation.

Your feelings are valid, people getting ill doesn’t mean they are automatically forgiven of all of the bad things they did. It’s ok to have a confusing conflict of feelings about these situations, don’t beat yourself up for it.

don't feel guilty about it, you are definitely not heartless she has been awful to you, so you won't have that connection really other than concern. :)

Being ill and dying don’t make a person right. She’s not been very nice to you and she is openly unpleasant.

It’s not surprising you don’t feel bad - that’s generally they way of things when people behave badly.

Live the best life you can and don’t allow any misplaced guilt to creep in.

Just because she's your grandmother does not demand that you must love or even like her. Why would you? She sounds dreadful.

Thank you all. In the light of day I do better if still slightly conflicted. It's hard to break that sense of obligation.

If it helps I had similar with my father, when I lost my mum to cancer it turned my life upside down, she was my rock and always there for me, my dad, yeah I loved him because he was my dad, but he never supported me, made it known that I was his ultimate failure because I wasn't born a boy.

So when he died, yes I was sad, but I didn't grieve his passing.

I don't think it make you heartless, it's not like you've wished she gets cancer