To wonder if long distance relationships every work

[lastqueenofscotland]

I have been in a long distance thing before when I was younger at uni and it was just something everyone did.
Fairly new DP lives about 90 mins/2 hours away whatever mode of transport you use.

I do really like him and I’m not usually a needy person but I’m struggling.
We can’t see each other for nearly three weeks due to work/family/other commitments.
I’m unwell at the moment and have injured my leg so have been in pretty constant pain for 4/5 days now so maybe feeling a bit sorry for myself but he left a few hours ago and I’m feeling a bit blue and wondering if I can actually do this?
I’m worried about putting a lot of effort in and it maybe coming to nothing.
Not really sure what my AIBU is.

I'll start with a story of hope - 7 hour flight apart, seeing each other every 6 weeks for 3 years. We're now married! Difficult at times, but ultimately the thought of no longer being with him was always much worse than the distance.

Sorry you’re feeling blue right now. Being in pain isn’t easy even under the best of circumstances. Hope you feel better again soon.

To answer your question, I think it totally is doable, but you have to be able to pull yourself through the lonely times and you have to both be committed to being together and making it work.

My dh and I lived an 11 hour flight from each other for 2 years early in our relationship (we met working abroad but then turned to our home countries on opposite sides of the world due to work and immigration issues). Definitely it sucked not seeing each other as often as we would have wanted to (we saw each other every 2-3 months, alternating who had to make the trip, for usually several weeks to a month at a time). But we knew very early on that we were really serious about each other and that it was temporary. We had to sort out work and visa issues so one of us could move to be with the other. Two years was a long time but knowing it had an end date and that we had the rest of our lives to be together made it bearable.

So yes it’s totally doable and worth it if the relationship is right. We’ve been together 10 years now, married, settled in the same country for 7 years and have two dc. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I never thought about ending our relationship due to the distance, because I truly loved him and we have always been so happy together, but sometimes it was lonely and I really missed him. I had to keep myself busy (I took up running!), focus on the future, and we talked lots every day.

DH & I lived 4 hours away when we met (online). We managed to see each other for a weekend once a month or so until I was able to move to him 15 months later. We spoke on the phone every night & texted several times a day.

We’ve now been together for 15 years, married, 2 children & have our own house.

You can do it. Communication is vital, & it’s not always easy. But it’s worth it.

I hope you’re feeling better soon xx

Another story of hope - we were 13 hours apart in different continents. We did that for 2 years, I moved in 2006, married in 2010, and children cane in 2014 and 2016 - it can work.

Long distance relationships are hard but they can work

My dad and my stepmum lived in different countries (republic of Ireland and uk) and spent their first few years together just visiting. Then he moved over there and they’ve lived happily ever after for 15 years now.

I would say it’s worth it only if you can imagine one of you uprooting your life and moving to join the other, not necessarily now but in the future. If you’re both really tied to where you are now (mortgage, job that would be hard to change, kids in school and seeing their other parent, local family for childcare etc) then l personally would question the future of the relationship. But people can and do make long distance work long term, so it’s not a hard and fast rule.

Just like @peanutbutter310

Thousands of miles, weeks apart, long time traveling. But we've been married years now and have a lovely DD.

You have to really believe in it and really want it. Both of you.

My boyfriend lives 100 miles away from me. About an hour and a half a drive. We see each other about once a month or more if finances/childcare allow. Been three years now. Four in April 2019.

We text, talk and FaceTime every single day. And send photos and things. It's a serious adjustment and you can miss them like crazy. But it can be done

3 1/2 years, 5000 miles apart, two or three visits a year. Still going strong 15 years later. It's not easy but it depends how much you both want it, it works if you are both committed to making it work

Dh and i met in Jan - he was in Forces and posted overseas in May - this was pre internet or mobile phones so we wrote letters ( remember those ) and could only phone each other once a week due to cost - i had nooo money. .

I went to visit in the August and he came to visit in September when we decided to get engaged at Christmas. Got engaged in December and set wedding date for following September . Carried on writing and phoning, saw each other twice before the wedding.

27 years on was the best decision I ever made ( and most certainly best decision he ever made !) despite my dsis telling me I shouldn't give up my job for "some guy you hardly know".

I knew it was the right thing - and would say you have to trust your instincts. If it is worth anything then distance doesn't matter . Sure it was hard but that 15 months of being part meant we really got to know each other through letter writing and "talking". Since then we have had periods of separation due to dh's work but I think it really helped us establish that we loved and trusted each other despite being miles apart. It also made the time we spent together really special and even now after nearly 30 years together we look back on that time with much fondness - we know we don't have to be in the same place to be thinking of each other .

If it is the right relationship and you are prepared to trust each other and put in a bit of effort yes it can work out. Good luck

I’m 10 months in. 3.5k miles apart and seeing one another every 6 weeks or so until a few days time when he moves to Europe and we’ll be seeing one another weekly / fortnightly. So far so good, though it’s been frustrating at times. I’m heartened to see the happy stories above. And impressed by the people who have made this kind of distance work for much longer. Congratulations!

My OH and I did 3 years living two and half hours' drive from each other, seeing each other once a fortnight or, when schedules allowed, once a week (! the luxury), and while it was such a relief when we were finally in the same place, it brought a strength to the relationship because we had to actively choose to see each other, rather than out of convenience/because they were nearby. It was difficult and we found it hard emotionally when things were tricky for one of us - family deaths, severe illness etc - but it reinforced that we were willing to make it work despite the distance, and it made for a strong relationship with good communcation. Good luck! :)

My DH moved away to the other side of the UK for work 4 weeks after we met. It stayed that was for 3 years.
But , it's true, when you know, you know. I never would've broken up with him as it was worth it just to get those phone calls, emails, and surprise visits.
Now we're married and I definitely made the right choice. It's so hard, but so worth it!

Of the five people I know who have been in long distance relationships, four are now married.

Both men, both in relationships with American women.

One moved to America when he got married, and the other lives in England still with his now wife.

They all found it very tough going, even with regular trips and skype etc.

Equally it has been difficult for the spouse who has emigrated, but ultimately worth it for them.

They also happen to be (at least from an outsiders perspective) two of the most solid, loving and committed couples I've ever known.

The fifth, both of them couldn't cope with the separation long term and quite reluctantly agreed it was best to go their separate ways, though there was no animosity on either side, it just wasn't working for them due to the distance.

Only if you are both 100% honest and trustworthy. Sorry to be a downer after all those lovely stories, but in my experience living apart allows for shoddy behavior if one partner is not as committed, or is tempted elsewhere. So at the first sign of any dodgy behavior I'd be out.

I'm currently in NZ and my boyfriend is in the UK. I'm struggling and it's only been 3 weeks. The time difference makes it especially difficult as one of us is always working

It’s doable if you’re both the right sort of personality, committed, organised, and you have a plan to close the gap in the near to intermediate future.

If you’re not these things, you’d be sensible to consider whether it’s worth the investment.

Only if there is a feasible plan for closing the gap. We were both willing and able to move internationally, but economic circumstances made UK a better prospect. He found a job and I then moved to that area 6 months later, still here over a decade later