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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I manage this situation?

16 replies

summerdazeahoy · 22/07/2018 21:48

My boyfriend doesn't work and has been sleeping through the day for the last year. At first, I thought it was his way of coping with his depression and didn't kick up a fuss.

Now, whenever I ask (plead... nag... joke... etc etc) him to come to bed at a normal hour so he'll get up in the morning and we can do things together, he just shrugs and says he'll try, but it never happens.

I end up having to do everything without him at the weekends. When I'm working, he just sleeps until I come home, so none of the household jobs are done.

He says things like 'It never used to be a problem' to excuse it and I don't know any other way to get my point across.

OP posts:

InspectorIkmen · 22/07/2018 21:50

So - what are you getting out of this relationship OP? Is this, do you think, a good and satisfying way of spending your one and only life?

ShumpaLumpa · 22/07/2018 21:52

Is he getting treatment for the depression?

Depression is not a license to put the burden of doing everything on your partner.

I would end it and ask him to leave.

Angrybird345 · 22/07/2018 21:53

Move on. The relationship is going nowhere except downhill.

AlisonCook · 22/07/2018 21:55

Depression is hard to understand unless you have had it. He needs some professional help. Unfortunately he needs to see that he needs it.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/07/2018 21:56

Bin him and be happy OP!

Emmageddon · 22/07/2018 21:56

You can't live like this. Even if he is depressed, sleeping all day is hardly going to help him recover. Tell him you have let it go in the past because of his illness, but enough is enough. He needs to start making an effort or start looking for somewhere else to live - I doubt he'll find another girlfriend as accommodating as you have been.

Is he on medication for depression or having any talking therapies? What does he do for money? Time to get tough with him, life is too short for this.

Original poster

summerdazeahoy · 22/07/2018 22:00

Woah. Speedy replies!

We do genuinely get on well, similar sense of humour and intellect. It's hard to tell if I'm just being shitty because I'm resentful of his apparently 'easy' life.

He's on a/ds and goes to group sessions once a week. I pay for everything.

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 22/07/2018 22:01

Does he have depression? Is he seeking help for it if so? I think you need to be clear to him that it is a problem and has always been a problem but you have been putting up with it. It sounds like you want to stay with him but being realistic he's not going to change dramatically over night. It will have to be small steps at a time. He could set his alarm for an hour before you're home and do XYZ around the house (make the jobs very specific so he can't say "but I did tidy" after putting one old newspaper in the recycling bin). Then after that take another step e.g. he should be up by 2pm at the weekend so you can go and see a film (preferably one that starts at a specific time so he HAS to get up by a certain time).

YellowMellow15 · 22/07/2018 22:08

I can give you the view of someone with depression. I would rather sleep all day and do nothing cause nothing seems important. I work part time while my partner works full time. I still get up every single day with him in the morning so i can spend time with him before work. I could easily go back to bed but instead i force myself to stay awake and do something. Even if its one chore and thats all i can manage. Its something.
The same for the weekend. I am always knackered but will get up so we can do stuff together (we compromise with the fact i can nap when i get home for an hour)
Depression is such a difficult thing to deal with especially when you want to sleep all day. Personally i love my dp more than letting it get to me that i will fight every single day to get up and not leave him to do it all.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. If he wont get the help nothing will change and in the long run what will become of your relationship?

LilQueenie · 22/07/2018 22:37

He needs to start paying his way. I had depression but I still had to get up and go out otherwise I would have had no food. I think he is taking you for granted and making a few excuses because he can get away with it.

Passingwords · 22/07/2018 22:45

Is moving out for a while an option, say 2-3 months so he runs out of vllesn clothes, food etc, to try and shake him into action? Frank talk about how you don’t want to end it but have no choice until he gets more help and gets more involved.

StripeyDeckchair · 22/07/2018 22:48

Cocklodger

Get rid
Move on
He will never change

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2018 22:52

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery of you stay with him. Dump him and start living again.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/07/2018 22:53

My dh suffers from depression. He gets up a bit later than me as he retired due to stress of job. When l come home dinner is ready, laundry done , tidying etc. He keeps the garden perfect and goes to the gym every day. He finds it difficult to do all this and feels tempted to stay in bed but he forces himself.
This guy is not good for you.

Maelstrop · 22/07/2018 22:55

Who is on the deeds/tenancy? I’d be asking him to move out if he’s not contributing anything (no chores/finance)

NameChangeUni · 22/07/2018 23:41

After a year of depression, I would expect SOME progress. Not necessarily a perfect life in terms of work, social life, mood etc. But in terms of either seeking help, or gradually feeling better and establishing a normal sleeping pattern, getting out of the house more, slowly getting back on their feet etc. It wouldn’t even be so bad if he was unemployed but woke up at a normal time and showered etc, then went for a walk or something. He doesn’t necessarily have to be extensively job searching, but he shouldn’t still be in the exact same position as he was a year ago and getting annoyed with you/expecting you to be fine with the situation either. At some point he has to help himself

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